Thursday, January 19, 2006
A Sure Way to Ruin a Father's Appetite
I have to share a story my friend Dean told me on his recent visit to Las Vegas. It's a doozy.

Dean is in a band, and one day right after Christmas, their drummer "Bob" called Dean and asked if he could come over and have a beer or two because he was really freaked out.

Bob came by, and over a few brewskis, told Dean the oddest, most horrific tale of this or any century. As Bob and his family sat down to Christmas dinner, Bob's younger brother announced, out of the blue, that he was "A WOMAN TRAPPED IN A MAN'S BODY." If that wasn't enough to make someone choke to death on the turkey, he stated, very matter of factly, that he had already begun hormone therapy and in less than a year would officially be a girl.

I'm sorry, no matter how supportive and open-minded you are as a parent, it has got to be one giant kick in the naughties when your son says he's going to voluntarily have his dick removed. "Pass the gravy, and oh by the way, I'm going to pay someone several thousand dollars to cut off my cock and fashion a crude vagina out of my scroti." That goes WAY BEYOND a declaration of homosexuality.

Personally - and I'm fairly liberal - I don't get it. If he's attracted to men, why doesn't he just keep the penis and be a gay man? When he becomes a woman, his makeshift pussy is going to be sort of a turnoff to anyone who's gay. Richard Simmons doesn't troll East Hollywood looking for scro-cunts, now does he?

My guess is the guy won't look much like a woman when all is said and done. I'm guessing he'll resemble John Lithgow in The World According to Garp, so the only way he'll ever be able to have a relationship is to fool some desperate straight man into thinking that freakish 'giner is factory standard and not an expensive option. He'll have to live a lie to ever have his faux-twat pounded.

Is there something I'm missing here? Enlighten me, enlighteners.


34 Comments:

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I'm going to have to go with a "I don't fucking know," on this one. One of my friends did a thesis on Transsexuals for college. Maybe she could help.

Blogger Livia said...

I'm at a loss too. I never understood the whole changing gender thing.

Blogger wmy said...

Here I am , here I am ...I have been neglecting you lately haven't I??? I am so sorry Todd honey...I probably need a spankin huh?LOL I will never treat you so shabby again k? Do you think you can find it in your heart to forgive me?

Blogger wmy said...

I will try to do better master...*I am down on my knees, hanging my head...and all dressed in black leather*hahaaaaaaaa

Blogger Monkey said...

I am all out of enlightenment. However... I would like some turkey very much. Thank you.

Blogger katarina said...

It's different than being gay. I've watched those shows on tv about how they feel like they were born the wrong gender. They feel like a woman inside but look like a man on the outside. Imagine thinking you're a woman and then seeing yourself in the mirror. I know I'd want to do something about it to be happy.
These people on the shows have significant others who are very loving and understand. That's very open-minded of them, if you ask me. I don't know if I could date a guy that used to be a girl.

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

Although I do have a lot of sympathy for people who feel this way, it's inherently piss funny, and damn, they should just damn well lighten up. For crying out loud, what's funnier than legal castration and faux-penis creation in the land of the anti-abortionists?

Blogger Jo said...

Dude... they're born that way. Be nice. It's not just a snap decision that a person can make (to change gender, I mean). The person has to go through years of physcological testing and hormonal therapy and such so that the doctor can make sure it's the right decision. Transsexuals usually exhibit "abnormal" behaviors by the time they're 3 years old, so it's obviously not a conscious decision.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

None of us can truly "get it" unless we happen to be in that situation. But we can try to understand, and I think there are scientific explanations for it. As the horrific band Boston would say, "It's more than a feeling."

Although, I question the timing of the announcement. That's not the right time, in my opinion.

Blogger MsHellion said...

It is true that it's a feeling that goes beyond being gay. Many of these men actually have far higher than normal estrogen levels from early childhood. As far as how the new junk is gonna look, you'd be pretty fucking suprised. I saw a show about a transexual who is also a stripper. You couldn't tell man, and it was shaved. Amazing work.

Blogger Trix said...

While I agree with you that it's funny - c'mon, we all laugh at people we consider "outside the norm" - I gotta say, live & let live on this one.

Blogger JJ said...

As long as he ain't hurtin' nobody, who cares? Tough on the dad, though.

Blogger Claudia said...

It's a very complex issue. In fact I am a strong believer that sex and gender are two very different things, not entirely correlated. I think that although it is undoubtedly a shock for the family, the person will finally be able to live a more complete and whole life aftre taking this courageous step.

Interesting topic, Todd.

Blogger miss kendra said...

yeah. what they said.

and also, i hope he gets a good doctor because i saw on a documentary someone who didn't and ended up with a hairy inner vagina.

Blogger Slutbag said...

wow - i agree, it was bad timing. but, what can ya do?

Blogger Monkey! said...

Well, every human foetus does start out female until the appropriate hormone injections kick in utero to change you into a man man, right? So is it not feasible that a foetus may begin as a female but due to either some sort of body fuckup delay or drug (not of the experimental variety) issue that the foetus develops with a "female brain" and then gets a delayed injection of the hormone that turns it into a male?

I can understand M-to-F for that reason. F-to-M is harder for me to wrap my mind around scientifically.

But ultimately, people should do what makes them happy.

Blogger AWE said...

That would suck being a dad and your kid telling you that. Dad, let me start your new year off by telling you this shit. Just hand me a gun.

Blogger Monkey! said...

In that the appropriate hormones realise your XY chromosones.

Blogger megan said...

hell.. i have no idea what's up with that..

but, scro-cunts? where do you come up with this stuff? you keep me laughing.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

oh dear gowd you are one funny man.

in my mind i am dry humping you right now.

Blogger ETaylor said...

So does that mean the brother wishes to have sex with men or woman? I dont understand?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Years ago I used to hang out in this bar/restaurant where my then boyfriend worked as a bartender. One night this ...woman...walked in. It was clearly a man in drag, and as he sat himself at the bar next to me and started chatting, my boyfriend and I slowly realized it was the former 6"1/225lb/arms the size of my legs - chef of the restaurant. He was in the process of becoming a woman, and was in the bar to try out his new gig.

It was one of the most interesting evenings of my life, I'll tell you that.

Blogger yournamehere said...

wuneye,
tell your friend to post a comment.

livi,
I'm hoping someone will enlighten me.

wmy,
you are forgiven. However, once again there is flitation followed by hysterical laughter; the story of my life.

monkey,
does poultry go with earth-shattering revelations?

kat,
are you saying they're married or involved with people who know they used to be a different sex? Wow.

spirit of owl,
there's nothing funnier, unless it's your son.

jo,
my main concern is this: once they have the surgery, are they completely honest with the new people in their lives? They don't owe coworkers the truth, but they do need to come clean to lovers.
I didn't think I was being mean, by the way.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ubie,
definitely not the right time.

mshellion,
I guess that doctor is the Picasso of fake pussy.

trix,
as long as he tells potential sex partners his full history, I don't have a problem with him at all.

jj,
agreed.

claudia,
I'm a cynic, so my first thought was "How many starving third world residents have 'gender issues'?" I couldn't help but think this is an angsty middle class phenomenon, but I'm changing my mind on that.

miss kendra,
ugh, it must have looked like a fudge tunnel.

slutbag,
all you can do is save room for pie.

Blogger yournamehere said...

monkey!,
that explanation made my head hurt.

awe,
yeah, Merry fucking Christmas.

monkey!,
of course.

megan,
I'm quite proud of scro-cunts, actually.

princess steph,
great minds think alike.

etaylor,
wow, I'd hope he wouldn't go through all of that to become a lesbian, but I'm not sure.

brooke,
I don't understand how being a giant he-woman made this man happy, but I don't have to understand everything, do I?

Blogger Calzone said...

Yeah thats fucked...now hermaphrodites they have it going on. I got to get me one of those.

Blogger Jo said...

I'm thinking they'd HAVE to be completely honest. I mean, modern medical science is good and all, but it can't REALLY make a boy a girl or vice versa. There will be fertility issues and future appointments and hormome balancing, etc. that I would think would be hard to hide from a significant other. I guess you could fool a one-night stand tho. Hmmm... that would be wild, eh? Anyhow, I didn't think you were being mean either. And I didn't mean to make you think that I thought you were being mean. Sorry!

Blogger Monkey said...

Nothing says "Holiday Awkward Moments" like poultry. With stuffing.

Thank you.

Blogger Lushy said...

From now on, everyone in that family will flinch when someone says, "Hey, remember that Christmas..."

Blogger ginonymous said...

i worked briefly at a speigel call center, taking orders from customers. one of my most memorable was a male to female tranny (-sexual, according to him/her, rather than -vestite). poor thing was afraid to go out and buy clothes, so would order them. he/she had a new job with their new life, and needed suits, heels, hose, etc. he/she would give me their measurements and i would translate into female sizes for them.

he/she called back several times, and all in all, i found it flattering sort of, that someone would trust me with this. or was fucking with me over the course of several months.

now, working in a fabric shop, and frequenting the gay bars in this town, i've a new clientele that will come to me for advice and specialty fabrics to make their own clothes..

i'm not a judgmental person. if you have the werewithal to go through what it takes in this country to undergo sex-change ops, then tell your father, then you're likely very serious. while it's funny, i'm awfully (i don't know..) sensitive? or experienced in dealing with people with odd gender disorders. my thought is, let your kids be who they will, particularly if they're adults. this is no time to get all cocked-up and male.

Blogger yournamehere said...

calzone,
they're a party in and of themselves.

jo,
yeah, I know you weren't being mean by accusing me of being mean. Know what I mean?

monkey,
I like pizza with degradation.

gin,
of course everyone should be accepting, but sometimes it's hard for a male to act anything other than male.

Blogger Nick said...

makeshift pussy should be the name of a goddamn band!

Blogger dottcomments said...

"Is there something I'm missing here?" you asked.

Yeah. A brain.

Blogger Social Drunk said...

it must be realy hard to look in the mirror and hate yourself. either we just developed a tranny gene in the last 20 years or its just real popular. theyre comin out the woodwork. its the in/schway thing to do, these days. i wonder how our gay ancestors got along with no doctors to run a battery of gay tests (and charge them) and hormone treatments (and charge them) and castrate them (for a HUGE fee). Plastic Surgeons are used car salesmen. why would you trust some quack who only benefits from your decision to let him cut you. he's not doing it because he likes to help people. those pople work in hospitals and free clinics. he needs your $30 - $45,000. a good Penis is a terrible thing to waste.

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