Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Bush Administration's Shameful Environmental Record
Yes, I got these facts from a liberal website (I didn't expect to find this info on Michelle Malkin's blog), but facts are facts, folks. This isn't a complete list; I just listed things that are presently dangerous to human beings. I left out the animal killing and/or destroying our future parts. The editorial comments are mine.

MAY 10, 2001

Bush administration refuses to name industry participants in Cheney energy task force
Maybe because the energy task force and the Exxon Board of Directors were one and the same?

MAY 22, 2001
EPA officially suspends stricter limits for arsenic in drinking water
Arsenic: The Real Thing.

JULY 23, 2001
Bush budget proposes cutting 270 EPA inspector jobs
Because they might have...I don't know...found something.

AUGUST 28, 2001
Bush administration reconsiders ban on recycling radioactive metals into consumer products
"Is the baby's pacifier supposed to glow in the dark?"

JANUARY 14, 2002
Report shows Interior secretary squelched her own agency's criticism of weaker wetlands rules

That's a good toady. Lick those boots, bitch!

FEBRUARY 14, 2002
Bush gives power plants ten more years to cut mercury and sulfur dioxide emissions
Is that enough time? How about twenty?

FEBRUARY 23, 2002
Bush's budget asks that taxpayers pay for Superfund cleanups instead of polluters
Did low-tax conservatives even know about this? Because this sounds like something that would have pissed them off.

MARCH 18, 2002
EPA exempts large category of power plants from lawsuits for Clean Air Act violations
Are these those "unnecessary" lawsuits we always hear about?

MAY 3, 2002
New EPA rules allow mining operations to dump waste in waterways
Perhaps the mining waste and the arsenic will cancel each other out.

JUNE 25, 2002
EPA ombudsman testifies Bush administration pressured him to halt study of radiation standards
After all, there's no room for standards in the Bush administration.

JULY 17, 2002
Bush administration opposes Senate bill to require 10 percent renewable energy by 2020
They won't even pretend to care.

AUGUST 7, 2002

EPA proposes weakened water-cleanups; asks for "voluntary" efforts
Good idea! I'm sure corporate polluters are standing in line to clean up their messes.

OCTOBER 15 2002
Superfund cleanups drop to 42 per year from average of 76 under Clinton, report shows
This doesn't matter, because Clinton got a blowjob.

NOVEMBER 5, 2002
Polluters paid 64 percent less in fines under Bush than in last two Clinton years, report shows
See above smart-ass comment.

DECEMBER 18, 2002
White House budget office values elderly lives 63 percent less in environmental cost-benefit analysis
Since they're going to die anyway, why should the elderly die painlessly, and with dignity?

FEBRUARY 27, 2003
Bush's "Clear Skies" plan allows much more pollution than if Clean Air Act were enforced
The "Clear Skies Initiative" is a staggering example of Orwellian double speak.

MARCH 10, 2003

EPA exempts oil and gas industry from President Clinton's tighter water-pollution rules
This makes sense, because the oil and gas industries never pollute our water supply.

JULY 12, 2003

EPA refuses to regulate perchlorate and other drinking-water contaminants
Notice a trend here?

OCTOBER 1, 2003
Bush fails to renew energy-conservation program that saved government $300 million a year
This guy is a fiscal conservative? Barry Goldwater should haunt his ass!

DECEMBER 4, 2003
EPA seeks to reclassify mercury as "nontoxic"
Whoever came up with this should have to drink a "nontoxic" mercury milkshake.

JANUARY 30, 2004
Parts of EPA's mercury-pollution plan lifted verbatim from industry memos
Hey, writing new stuff is hard, dude.

FEBRUARY 5, 2004
EPA admits twice as many children (630,000) in danger from mercury exposure
And this is AFTER they want to call mercury "nontoxic". See you in hell, fuckers.

FEBRUARY 18, 2004
20 Nobel Prize winning scientists say administration distorts science for political gain
Ahh, what do they know?

MARCH 11, 2004
EPA inspector general says agency's rosy drinking-water assessments used false data
I'm guessing this guy was unemployed soon after.

JUNE 2, 2004

New EPA rules allow more fine-particle pollution from 1,000 industrial plants
Fine-particle? If we can't see the pollution, how could it possibly hurt us?

I call this the Sleeping With the Enemy section:

MARCH 9, 2001

Bush appoints oil and mining lobbyist as deputy secretary of Interior
JUNE 21, 2001
Timber lobbyist Mark Rey appointed to key post in Forest Service
AUGUST 30, 2002
Foe of ecological restoration Allan Fitzsimmons named head of federal wildfire prevention
SEPTEMBER 17, 2002
Bush replacing most scientists on chemical-hazard panel with those tied to chemical industry
OCTOBER 8, 2002
Bush stacks panel on lead poisoning with people tied to the lead industry
AUGUST 11, 2003
Bush taps anti-environmental Utah governor Mike Leavitt to head EPA

This reads like a bad Saturday Night Live skit, only it's fucking real! Watch out before the Bush Administration hires Michael Jackson to babysit your nephew.

That was only during his first term. I'm too depressed to even wonder what's happened since he was reelected.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I kept my mouth shut for once
People love to be told they look like celebrities, right? Well, that depends on the celebrity. Tell a woman she looks like Scarlet Johansson and it's a compliment; tell her she looks like Joan Rivers and prepare to defend the ol' ballbag.

The passage of time also changes things. Comparing a lady's body to Kirstie Alley's was fine in 1992, whereas now it's the verbal equivalent of going Ike Turner on her skull. In 1999, "You look like Britney Spears" meant "Even though you are of age, you remind me of hot jailbait." Now it means "You're an unfit mother with a misshapen vagina."

So, I think I made the right choice today. I really wanted to walk up to this customer and say, "You look just like the guy who raped Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption," because he did, he looked just like him. I don't think it was ever cool to look like that dude, however, so I didn't say a word.

Sunday, July 27, 2008
If this is on a t-shirt, I want it

I have to get over the river to Indiana to the New Albanian Brewing Company for one of their craft beers, some excellent pizza, and hopefully a t-shirt which reads "These Machines Kill Fascists".

Hey, I'm not comparing the folks at Budweiser and Miller to Hitler; they aren't Nazis. They are, however, fascists hell-bent on destroying the small breweries that actually take the time and effort to make beers that aren't terrible.

For example, Louisville has a terrific Triple-A baseball park. Attached to this park is Browning's, a fine restaurant and microbrewery. However, if I want a Browning's beer during a game, I can't buy one at the stadium; I have to leave the ballpark and enter Browning's from their Main St. entrance. Why? Why can't I buy a beer from a place that's attached to the fucking ballpark?! The answer, my friends, is as obvious as the giant Budweiser logo on the center field scoreboard.

When the stadium was being built, Budweiser sent one of their Black Angels of Bad Beer to the owners of the baseball team. They said, "Hey, we'll spring for the scoreboard, but of course it will be dominated by the Bud logo. Oh, and you can't sell Browning's beer in the park. And if you can make it inconvenient to get to Browning's during the game, we'd sure appreciate it."

I don't begrudge the masses their crappy swill beer. Let them chug all the Bud Light they can pour down their gullets. But why can't I go to one lonely stand and order a Browning's She-Devil Double IPA? Fucking fascists.

Thursday, July 24, 2008
Let's get our thumbs out of our asses, shall we?

Hey, gas around here went down to $3.95 a gallon yesterday! Fucks yeah! Well, as Mr. Wolf said in Pulp Fiction, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet." That's still about a dollar higher than it was this time last year, and still god damned expensive. Oh, and as I write this it probably just jumped back up to $4.19.

As a short-term solution, we need to do a better job of finding oil here in the United States. It's arrogant to think the world owes us oil, and it's fucking stupid to rely on oil from people who hate our guts.

As a child, you were smart enough not to let your worst enemy from elementary school make lunch for you. Why? Because you didn't want to eat one of his turds between two slices of wonder bread, that's why. But our entire economy is dependent upon those who want us dead. That's a crazy way to live, and we're paying for it in more than just dollars.

In the long term, I don't believe it's wise to dig up all of America trolling for oil. There are environmental concerns as well as the simple fact that this country isn't as oil-rich as Saudi Arabia. Our oil will run out, and what will we do then?

Frankly, that's for smarter people to decide, but we need to invest in alternative sources of energy. For instance, I lived in Las Vegas and it's ridiculous that solar power isn't greatly utilized in that town.

We need a Bill Gates of alternative energy to step forward, someone who'll find a way to make a shitload of money off of it, because that's the only reason anyone will ever give a fuck. As a by-product of "new energy", scores of jobs will be created, jobs that can't be outsourced so a CEO can make an extra five dollars.

Or we could just invent a car that runs on the methane gas provided by farting cattle. Either way.

Saturday, July 19, 2008
The Dark Knight

I just got home moments ago from seeing the new Batman film, The Dark Knight. I'm not a professional film critic by any means, so I'm not going to try to wax poetic about the cinematography or directing or Heath Ledger's brilliant performance as the Joker. I only need to tell you one fact to convince you that The Dark Knight is a great movie.

I saw this filming at 10pm on opening night, having secured tickets earlier in the day. The theater was full of teenagers; teenagers, the scourge of adult film goers. Not one of them uttered an unnecessary word during the entirety of this movie. There were no stupid comments yelled at the screen, no incessant babbling during quiet moments, and most amazingly, ALL CELL PHONES WERE SET TO THE 'SILENT' MODE!

Someone finally found a way to make today's teenager shut up at the cinemas: Make a film as good as The Dark Knight.

Thursday, July 17, 2008
Never Forget
This picture makes me physically ill. It looks like Bush is trying to faith-heal McCain at a tent revival in rural Georgia.

As the summer progresses, gas prices soar to new heights, and the economy worsens, John McCain will try to distance himself from the highly unpopular man he's calculatedly embracing in this photo. Don't fall for his shenanigans.

In 2000 John McCain and I had two things in common: An attraction to wealthy beer distribution heiresses (mine rejected me) and a deep dislike of George W. Bush. I never once flip-flopped on my "fuck George W. with a crowbar" stance, but around 2004, blind ambition got the best of McCain and he awkwardly hugged his former nemesis at the Republican National Convention (which is kind of like a tent rival with suits, actually).

My core anti-George W. values began in the early nineties. I was watching a baseball game and he was interviewed as "owner" of the Texas Rangers. He was, of course, given the Rangers by friends of his father, just as they had given him everything he ever had in life. As Dubya spoke, my entire body was filled with a rage out of place for watching a baseball game involving two teams I didn't care about. His "Connecticut Prep Schooler as Down Home Texan" routine, along with the most arrogant smirk I'd ever seen to that point, made me dislike the man immediately.

"God, this guy is a tool," I thought to myself. "At least he didn't go into politics."

So remember, America, while John McCain has changed his stance on George W. Bush (and abortion, but that's another post), I remain true to the anti-Dubya movement.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Lebowski Fest 2008: I came for the cake, I stayed for the Beaver Picture

As usual, I had a great time at the annual Lebowski Fest. This is the official Lebowski cake, made for the festival by the people from the Ace of Cakes program (officially the only reality show I've ever seen all the way through). For those of you unfamiliar with The Big Lebowski, the cake incorporates important elements of the film; White Russians, bowling, and a severed toe.

I managed to snag a chunk of the cake once it was sliced, and it was damn good. It was a standard yellow cake inside, but it was moist and had a White Russian-flavored icing.

More important than the cake I ate was the booze I drank. I reintroduced myself, in a big way, to my old friend bourbon. By the time the should-be-infamous after party started, I was too sloshed to frighten the masses with my annual bad dancing. I think I managed to half-heartedly sway along to Smells Like Teen Spirit, but the world will have to wait another year for my patented "Starting the Lawnmower" move.

What about the Beaver Picture mentioned in the title? Take a look at it here.

Hey, it's a reference to the movie. Rent the DVD.

Saturday, July 12, 2008
Our long national nightmare is over...I got my computer back.
Yeah, my computer's been fixed and the bitching and moaning can continue unabated.

There are four kinds of people who write checks at retail stores.

1. Really really old people who are scared of debit cards because they think they'll be charged interest. Jesus Christ Himself could fall out of the sky and tell these elderly fucks that the debit card is interest-free, and they wouldn't believe him. .

2. Deadbeats who need a day or two to get some money into their bank account. There's usually a bogus "disability" check in the mail or a "hot tip at the track" they'll hope will pay off. The check usually bounces like tits on Baywatch.

3. Criminals who use stolen or fake checks. They're society-burdening pieces of human garbage. Can we please humiliate them on public access television?

That leaves my least favorite of the lot, even more detestable than the criminals. 4. The insecure jerk who writes checks because the power of inconveniencing others makes him feel important. "Wait for me, peasants, as I eschew modern forms of payment in favor of a laborious, dated method that serves no purpose other than annoying everyone in line behind me." This fuckface knows he can easily acquire a debit card; he realizes it's free and he won't be charged interest, but why is life worth living if not to make other people miserable? Oh, and even though he knows the check process takes a long time, because he writes checks all day all over town, he still complains about having to wait.

I'm going to open my own liquor store someday. I'm going to call it Find Your Shit and Get the Fuck Out. "Our name is our motto." Seriously, customers meander too fucking much. My store will solve that problem with wandering employees armed with bullhorns and bad attitudes. "HEY YOU, YOU'VE BEEN STANDING IN FRONT OF THE WHITE ZINFINDEL FOR THIRTY MINUTES. ALL OF THAT SWILL TASTES THE SAME. PICK THE BOTTLE WITH THE PRETTIEST PICTURE AND MOVE TOWARD THE CHECKOUT AREA. THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING." Also, customers unnecessarily tell us details of their lives that do not expedite the shopping process. "I don't remember the name of this particular wine, but I drank it in Bangkok as a child prostitute licked sorghum out of my anus. Do you carry that wine?" "SOMEHOW, THE PERFECT MARRIAGE OF NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION AND TOO MUCH INFORMATION. KINDLY FIND YOUR SHIT AND GET THE FUCK OUT."

A few other rules of my store:

-Needless to say, no checks. If you even ask if you can write a check, a guy in a clown suit will come out and hit you in the face with a comically over-sized rubber cock. Who would report us? Who would call the police and say, "Yeah, I was at a liquor store and a clown attacked me with a dildo"?

-If you call and ask for prices over the phone, you will be given the wrong prices on purpose. Also, we will say we have items we're out of and say we're out of items we have. This will teach your lazy ass to do your shopping the old fashioned way, by actually entering the fucking store. If you show up in person and complain about the misinformation, well say hello to Binky the Clown and his friend the comically over-sized rubber cock.

-Although I personally find underage drinking to be hilarious, we won't sell to minors because it's against the law. If we card you and you don't have ID, and then you argue about it, our security guard will shoot you in the face. We'll hire a corrupt ex cop with an itchy trigger finger and we'll pay him extra for every underage moron he shoots in the face. I'm guessing we haul two bodies out of the joint and the problem is over.

Thursday, July 03, 2008
Forced Hiatus
I'm sending my computer to the Geek Squad (it's messed up), so I'll be "on vacation" for a couple of weeks. Yeah, the geeks take their sweet time, apparently.