Saturday, August 30, 2008
Meet McCain's Second Choice For VP

John McCain knew what he had to do when he was choosing his running mate, the person who would become President of the United States if anything happened to the 73-year-old cancer survivor: He had to pander to undecided voters. He chose Sarah Palin, hoping Hillary Clinton supporters and other women are stupid and shallow enough to vote for anyone with a 'giner, regardless of political leanings.

According to those in the know, he came very close to reaching out for the black vote by choosing rapper/reality tv star Flavor Flav.

Hey, why the fuck not? If McCain thinks liberal and moderate women are going to vote for ultra-conservative Sarah Palin because she has a honey pot, why wouldn't he think a barely literate cartoon character like Flava Flav could lure black people away from Columbia University and Harvard Law graduate Barack Obama? Why wouldn't he condescend to them as well?

Back to reality, does this mean that the entire time "Mr. Straight Talk" John McCain was flappin' his dicksuckers about experience it was all bullshit? Because there is nobody less experienced than this lady. Two years ago she was the mayor of the town featured on Northern Exposure and by January she could be vice president to a guy who, if not knocking on death's door, is definitely in the neighborhood.

Of course, some simple-minded pissants will just love Sarah Palin. "She's just like me," they'll say. Great, but we don't need a vice president/potential president just like you, because you are a fucking idiot! In case you think I'm sounding elitist, I don't want a president like me, either! The "c" students have failed us, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to, in the parlance of our times, get some overachievers up in this motherfucker.

Friday, August 29, 2008
This Just In: McCain Chooses Tina Fey For VP

Oh, my mistake. This isn't Tina Fey; it's Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. She's 44-years-old, very attractive, and apparently John McCain's choice for running mate/potential third wife. She's even been referred to by as a "GILF". I can't argue with this assessment, as I would like to give her some supply-side lovin'.

Political parties crack me up. The Democrats were worried about Obama's inexperience (and non-whiteness, frankly) so they picked an old white guy for VP. The Republicans are concerned about John McCain being old, cranky, and about as photogenic as Wilford Brimley's nut sack, so they picked this woman. I'm not going to question her politics at this time, because I have no idea what they are.

Before either party starts fellating themselves over their respective picks, let's keep in mind that the vice presidential candidate makes little to no difference. Don't believe me? Take a look at the VPs of the past three winning "teams":

Dan Quayle
"Bushisms", a word coined for the way W. butchers the English language, used to be called "Quayleisms". This guy seemed borderline retarded.

Al Gore
I like Al Gore, and his public speaking has improved dramatically, but in 1992 he was a fucking mannequin out there.

Dick Cheney
No demographic group likes or has ever liked Dick Cheney, with the possible exception of cranky old men and the oil execs he's made rich. He is just naturally unpleasant as a human being, but he's been Vice President for almost eight years.

I'll have to give John McCain credit for picking the first vice presidential candidate I'd like to bang, but I'm still not going to vote for them.

UPDATE: Apparently there's a minor scandal involving Governor Palin. In short, she fired the Alaskan Public Safety Director because he wouldn't fire her ex-brother-in-law, a state trooper; and then she authorized an in-house investigation of herself (because we know how impartial those in-house investigations are). Well, now we know she's the perfect person to help John McCain continue the Bush-Cheney administration.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Enough wonkish puffery...let's release the hounds on this fucker
I hesitate to write about politics, because it always devolves into a bunch of name-calling in the comments, but it is an election year, and it is my blog, so here we go again...

I think Hillary Clinton gave a pretty good speech last night. She asked the correct question of her supporters, "Were you in this campaign just for me?", then gave them reasons to throw their support toward Obama. She referred to John McCain as "my colleague and my friend" and then ripped him a new one with a smile on her face. Really, you can't be married to Bill Clinton for this long and not learn that trick.

After the speech, some paid McCain hack released a statement saying Hillary never mentioned Obama's experience and never said Obama was "ready to lead." Well, it was a political speech, asshole; of course she didn't tout his experience or lack thereof. I'm sure no one at the Republican Convention will bring up McCain's old age or the fact that McCain, red-faced and screaming, called his wife "cunt" in public. I'm sure those things won't be mentioned.

As far as "ready to lead" goes, no she didn't use those exact words. She did say "Nothing less than the fate of our nation and the future of our children hangs in the balance" of an election in which she endorses Barack Obama. Did she really have to say "ready to lead"? Jesus.

I, like a lot of Democrats, have been too nice to McCain, mainly because he was tortured. Well, no more. Tortured? What have you done for me lately, John? Former Democratic Senator Max Cleland had both of his legs blown off in Vietnam, and that didn't stop the Republican sleaze machine from comparing him to Bin Laden!

Also, these guys question McCain's war-hero status. Some of them are the same people who "Swiftboated" John Kerry, so we know they aren't liberals. Why aren't they being given CONSTANT media attention like they were in 2004? Their leader, former Green Beret Ted Sampley, was on Fox News several times in 2004 to bash John Kerry, but he hasn't been invited back to rip on McCain. So, he was an agent of truth in 2004 and is a god damned liar now? Interesting. Will Alan Colmes ask Sean Hannity if he thinks Ted Sampley is telling the truth? Probably not if he wants to keep his job as the human biscuit in the Fox News circle jerk.

I'm wondering how far these Vets Against McCain are willing to go. Will there be prime time commercials? Will there be a poorly-written, hastily-researched book? Will there be a Lifetime movie starring Bea Arthur as John McCain? Only time will tell.

Sunday, August 24, 2008
Growth during recession?

This is Louisville's rather modest skyline. If city planners have their way, it will look like this around 2010/2011.

On the far right is Museum Plaza, which is described by hired shills as housing "a contemporary art museum, restaurants and retail stores, 85 luxury condominiums, 150 lofts, a 300-room hotel, office space and a 1,100-car underground parking garage." It also looks like a stiff breeze would bring the entire thing crashing down, but I only pretend to be an architect to impress chicks (it doesn't work).

On the far left is the as-yet-unnamed Downtown Arena. I hope they just call it Downtown Arena; either that or Duff Beer Krustyburger Buzz Cola Costington's Department Store Kwik-E-Mart Stupid Flanders Arena.

I'm all for hometown improvements. In fact, I look forward to not being able to live in the expensive lofts, not being able to buy anything at the expensive shops, not being able to eat at the expensive restaurants, and not being able to purchase tickets to expensive events at the expensive arena. But, hey, it's good to have things in town to keep the people with money from moving away, and I don't think Phineus Q. Moneybags is as impressed with the 4am last call for alcohol as I am.

Will either of these incredibly expensive projects come to fruition? They've been talking about building a new bridge across the Ohio River since Christ was in middle school, and it isn't even close to happening. I'm guessing the arena will be built first. If given the choice between watching college basketball or staring at some of the bodily-fluids-put-to-canvas that passes as modern art, we'll take the basketball, thank you.

Whatever this town does, it shouldn't take any cues from Lexington, KY. Lexington, the epicenter of the horse racing industry, is going to host the World Equestrian Games in 2010, so someone decided they needed more hotel rooms. Fine, but the geniuses who run that town recently tore down an entire city block of thriving downtown businesses, one of them the city's best live music venue, to build a luxury hotel. Yes, they demolished successful businesses, places that were attracting people downtown, to build a hotel that experts believe will never be at full capacity before or after a two-week event in 2010. Oh, and the developers of the hotel happen to be major contributors to the current mayor. Nice.

My pet project, an underground moving sidewalk that goes from where I live to my favorite bars and restaurants, is still in the development stage.

Thursday, August 21, 2008
"He lacks whiteness...uh, I mean...experience. Yeah, he lacks experience."
Let me say upfront that I realize a lot of people will never vote for a Democrat or supposed liberal, no matter what. They didn't vote for Clinton, Gore, Kerry, etc. and they aren't going to vote for Obama. Cool. No problem.

But I'm getting tired of hearing the "lack of experience" mantra from rednecks being interviewed by news organizations. It isn't lack of experience that's going to keep them from voting for Obama. It's the fucking pause that gives them away, like their tiny little brains are thinking of something to say instead of "A black guy? Really? Yeah, right."

Why is lack of experience SUDDENLY such a concern? Our last two presidents have been the governor of a state that makes Kentucky seem cosmopolitan; and the governor of a state whose own constitution reduces the very office to nothing more than a ceremonial figurehead, leaving the Lt. Governor to run things. Despite what one may think of either's performance, they both initially defeated opponents who, at the time, had more federal government experience.

And as long as I'm already typing, let me say this: Fuck the undecided voters. Seriously, fuck 'em in the neck. These are the same people who have no real interest in music but went out and bought the Hootie and the Blowfish CD back in '95 because everyone else had it. And every four years, even though they have no real interest in politics, they wait until the last possible second to choose a candidate; usually for some moronic reason like "He's a guy I'd like to have a beer with." I'm serious. Back in 2000 that's the reason some idiot on CNN gave for voting for Bush, AND BUSH DOESN'T EVEN DRINK!

If, in mid-August, you can't decide between Barack Obama and John McCain, PLEASE DON'T VOTE. That would be like if I decided to run my fat ass in a marathon every four years, despite not having trained a fucking minute for it! Do you see how stupid and pointless that would be? Well, that's how stupid and pointless your vote is, Potsie.

I would suggest that the undecideds kill themselves, but that would put all of the Olive Gardens out of business, and we don't need any more people out of work.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008
My Saturday Evening Jacket
This past Saturday evening I was one of ten thousand people who showed up at Waterfront Park to hear Louisville's own My Morning Jacket play one of those rock music concerts the kids are always talking about.

The weather was A MIRACLE. Not too hot, almost zero humidity, and a nice breeze once the sun went down. This never ever happens in mid-August around here. In fact, when I bought my ticket over a month ago I resigned myself to a miserably schweaty night. And not only did the weather cooperate, they served good, locally brewed beer at the concert! The vendor for the good beer was right by the stage. If you wanted to line the pockets of the swill merchants from Miller, you had to walk up the hill to the pavilion and wait in line with the other supporters of monolithic mediocrity.

The band played for well over three hours, but I brought along the ubiquitous collapsible chair so I could sit my old ass down every once in a while. Is it now a law that everyone has to own one of those chairs? If so, it's a law I can get behind. Those chairs kick ass. And there's a place to put your beer.

I wonder if the guy who invented the collapsible chair is wealthy beyond all comprehension or if he was under contract with some company when he came up with the idea and all he got was a pat on the back and enrollment in the Jelly of the Month Club (It's the gift that keeps giving the whole year 'round).

My Morning Jacket received a lot of national exposure when they appeared on Saturday Night Live earlier this year, but I know most of my readership is way too cool to watch SNL (Translation: In bed by eleven), so I'll give you a video clip.

The band ended the set with a song called One Big Holiday. I can't find any decent footage of Saturday's performance, so this is when they played the song on Conan O'Brien's show back in 2003.

The singer looks a lot less like Cousin It now.

Friday, August 15, 2008
Friday News and Notes
"Thank God It's Friday" is bullshit in my little world, because I have to work tonight and tomorrow, but it's still a good time to pull some random thoughts out of my ass because I can't think of anything to write about at length.

"Damn kids and your music..."
I happened upon this quote from The Man Who Would Be President, John McCain: “Now we’ve got the cables. We’ve got talk radio. We’ve got the bloggers. I hate the bloggers. We’ve got all kinds of sources of information.” Oh, where to begin? "...the cables"?! Is that what he calls cable television? The fucking cables? Cable TV came to Louisville in the late 1970s, and I'm sure it was in the bigger cities before then, so it's not like some new, scary technology. It makes me wonder if McCain refers to televisions as "moving picture boxes" or cars as "horseless carriages".

The main thing that stands out in that quote, however, is "I hate the bloggers." Has John McCain ever read a blog? He's admitted to not knowing how to surf the internet. Can you hate an entire group of people who write for a medium that you can't even access?

"No, I can't go. I have to work."
Working some nights and most weekends sucks shit. It's a horrible, dehumanizing way to live, that's for sure. Looking back, it was probably a mistake to think I'd be dead by thirty.

"At least animal flesh is still tasty."
If you want to eat some animal flesh that's delicious and has less fat than chicken, try a bison burger. C'mon, don't be a pussy.

Wanted: Blog Consultants
Obviously, this blog needs a gimmick. "The guy who no longer has anything interesting to say" angle isn't working. I could pretend to move back to Vegas; people seemed to like that. All I have to do is read Las Vegas Weekly online, and write about not being able to get into Noir Bar at the Luxor because I was deemed "Not douchy enough" by some fascist doorman who suffers from "steroid sack". Or I could just lie about getting laid a lot.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I have a question

Has there ever been a widely-released CD that didn't sell one single copy? Because I'm thinking that might happen to the New Kids on the Block Greatest Hits package. Seriously, who will buy this in 2008? Yes, despite the cover photo of the "boys" when they were actually teenagers (or at least in their early twenties), this CD was just recently released. My question, once again, is "Who the fuck is going to buy this?"

I don't question the commercial viability of this disc because it's a pile of shit (although it is a steaming, fly-buzzed pile of absolute manure), because that certainly doesn't stop most crap from making money. I'm just thinking that consumers who like this type of "music" - 12 yr. old girls - are into bubblegum tripemeisters who AREN'T old enough to remind them of their creepy uncle and his alcoholic poker buddies.

Let's assume a few copies of this tragedy are actually purchased. Who is the type of person who'll pay actual money for the NKOTB Greatest Hits?

Retar...uh, the mentally challenged
A chromosome-deficient individual may wander into one of the few record stores that are still open, grab this CD, and hand it to his assigned caregiver. If the caregiver has a damn heart, he'll buy the CD.

Meta-ironic hipsters
"I'm so cool that my coolness transcends this New Kids CD. Also, I'm drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon even though I'm not part of their targeted white trash demographic. Holy fuck, I'm clever."

Columbia CD Club members who forget to send the little postcard back and therefore receive the CD as a "Selection of the Month"
"New Kids on the Block? Son of a bitch!"

Senile old ladies who think their adult niece is still ten years old
"Really, you shouldn't have."

This just in: If you see someone trying to purchase this CD, you are legally obligated to stop them by ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

Friday, August 08, 2008
John Edwards been doin' the devil's bizness

I never liked John Edwards, the Southerner who delivered ZERO Southern states for the Dems in 2004, and now my dislike has been validated!

A few years ago, as his wife battled cancer, John Edwards was busy banging this lady. Settle down, I'm not invading her privacy; this blog doesn't break news, it repeats it half-assedly, so she's been all over the internet.

Jesus, whatever happened to cheating on your wife with twenty-two-year-old cocktail waitresses? This woman is attractive, sure; but she isn't "Drop the spouse off for radiation treatment and commence fornicating" hot.

For the record, I'm anti-adultery, but since John Edwards pretty much secured his place in hell by gettin' some strange while his wife was sick, he should have gone Derek Jeter on some hot young ass.

At least I don't have to worry about this small-timer ruining the ticket this time around; Obama won't allow himself to be seen in the same state as ol' Wanderin' Gomer. Too bad Amy Winehouse isn't a United States citizen. That would be a hoot.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I was going to rag on hipsters again, so I did an image search for "hipster" and got this picture. Hmmm. A few of these guys look a lot more Euro-trash than the hipsters I see around town; and the guy on the far left, with his Doors t-shirt, arts-n-crafts necklace, and "hang loose" hand gesture, is probably a damn dirty hippie. No, this picture is no good. No good at all.

The "hipster" search also produced this photo. While much more pleasant, it isn't quite what I had in mind for my bitter rant against a relatively harmless subculture.

Four asses or just one? Decisions...

Sunday, August 03, 2008

There's nothing like a neighborhood tavern for inexpensive, strong drinks and few, if any, guys who look like this. Last night I went to Seidenfadens, pictured above, to hear Johnny Berry and the Outliers, who play country music like Hank Williams, Sr. and Johnny Cash played it, only they aren't dead.

"Hey," you may be asking yourself, "isn't Seidenfaden the German word for shameful joy?" No, that's schadenfreude. Seidenfaden was the last name of the guy who opened the tavern in 1921. I think he's buried somewhere behind the bar.

I was really only going to have a drink or too, honestly. But then the music started playing, the crowd got rowdy, and the bourbon started flowing. I don't remember a lot about the last few hours of the night, other than the following:

-I think I made passes at girls with big asses.

-I ate a diet-busting burrito. It was probably good; I seriously don't recall.

-I fell down. This actually happened, because I have the scrapes and bruises to prove it. As clumsy as I am, this is only the second time I've fallen while drunk. The first time, I fell out of my chair at a casino bar. My brother was there to witness that one. This time, I fell at the residence of the good people who let me crash on their futon. Unfortunately, I crashed on their hallway floor first. I hope I didn't weaken the foundation of their house.

The next time I go to Seidenfadens and/or see Johnny Berry and the Outliers, I'm either going to drink less or wear this suit.

Friday, August 01, 2008
They're raping my semi-recent past!

Having once lived in the Las Vegas Valley for over three years, I can say with certainty that Clark County, Nevada has a lot of damn Starbucks, probably too many; so it came as no surprise when they announced that 17 of the 600 stores scheduled to be closed were from the Las Vegas/Henderson/North Las Vegas area.

One of those doomed stores, however, was very near and dear to me during the last sixteen months I lived there. Pictured is the Starbucks at Eastern Avenue and Serene in southeast Las Vegas. It's located in the same shopping center as one of my vendor-assigned Home Depots, and was the Starbucks mentioned in this post; as well as this post; and this one; and this one. However, this incident occurred at the Starbucks on the corner of Russell and Pecos, and this happened after I moved back at a Starbucks in the pretentiously named Mall St. Matthews.

Despite a few documented problems with some of their customers, I really liked the Starbucks at Eastern and Serene. I was there every morning three days a week, and the employees were always friendly (although not as eerily efficient as the robo-baristas at the Pecos location, where your order would be ready, pipping hot, before you got your change back). They even gave me free bags of coffee as a Christmas gift.

I hope the employees who want to stay with the company are offered jobs at other locations. There are three other Starbucks within a mile of this store, so they probably won't have to do a lot of traveling.

There's really no purpose for this post. I just wanted to link to a few stories that received a lot of comments, just as a reminder.