Sunday, November 30, 2008
Hooray beer!
Despite my workplace trying to do the ol' squat and plop on my usually cheery demeanor, I had a fairly above average Thanksgiving weekend. On Wednesday night, after dealing with every alcoholic in the city, I went to see local semi-legends Wax Fang play some of that rock and/or roll the kids are so crazy about. Since Thanksgiving Eve is the Black Friday of drunken revelry, the place was jammed with enough people to hare-lip the fire marshall.

Wax Fang was great as usual, but we first had to endure not one but two crappy opening acts. The first band sounded like the Replacements, if the Replacements had been fronted by your marginally talented cousin.

The second band? Blueshammer. I don't remember their real name, because we just kept calling them Blueshammer. Whatever the name, the way those honkies bastardized "authentic, way down in the Delta blues" made my sack itch.

I ran into my old friends Ben and Amie at the show. Amie used to blog under the name Tango Jellybean (I'd link to the blog, but she deleted it), so one of you may remember her. She's pregnant, so I cruelly taunted her with my delicious bourbon drink. I'm hoping they move back to town soon so I can taunt her a second time.

Thursday I celebrated Thanksgiving with my mom, aunt, and two cousins. My aunt may well be the best cook ever, so I ate my weight in fixins. Yeah, turkey is fine and all, but it's all about the fixins. If you don't believe me, just ask your local fattie.

I got to watch the horribly mismatched football games on my aunt's HD tv. Damn my antiquated square television! I might as well be playing Benny Goodman 78s on a Victrola.

Reality insert: You can tell I'm American, huh? "Oh woe is me and my 32-inch non-HD television." Now back to the regularly scheduled blog post.

I started my Saturday night by righting a horrible wrong. My friend Dwight had never seen Unforgiven, so I took the DVD over to his place and we watched it. He thought it was a great movie, so he is still allowed to be my friend. After that, we went to Nachbar, a local place with an amazing beer selection, to see Johnny Berry and the Outliers and drink Rogue Double Dead Guy Ale on tap. Double Dead Guy is to beer what Jules Winnfield is to Bad Mother Fuckers. Need I say more?

With Johnny Berry playing old school country music to a packed crowd of drunks, it was like the deep South with only 3/5ths the racism! I submitted "Louisville: Like the Deep South With Only 3/5ths the Racism" in a contest to choose our city's new slogan, but those pansy-ass fucks at the Chamber of Commerce rejected it.

Friday, November 28, 2008
Merry Fucking Christmas
Well, it's come to this: a worker at a Wal-Mart in New York was trampled to death by holiday shoppers. TRAMPLED. TO. DEATH. All so a pack of animals could get their soulless mitts on some cheap sweatshop-assembled shit with which to clutter up the garage and/or further spoil their worthless children. My feelings about the people who did this were succinctly summed up by my friend Alisha.

It's time to tone down this "Black Friday" bullshit. It used to be that anyone who even thought of standing in line all night waiting for a junky discount hut to open its doors would have been considered a fucking loon and rightly shunned by polite society. But now the retail stores, with the full support of the media, have made this odd behavior seem normal. I never bought into it. "So, if I sleep in on a cold November morning I might have to eventually pay five dollars more for some hunk of plastic? I can live with that."

I can't imagine stepping on another human being to get inside a Wal-Mart. It sickens me that this is where we are as a society; so traumatized by an economic downturn that human life is considered beneath securing a "bargain". God help us all if this country ever has to endure genuine hardship.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008
A just God would not have allowed this
The elections are way over, kind of like Dane Cook's career, but someone decided to put out another political commercial. Why? Well, to thank Sarah Palin, of course.

Oh, that was just a horror-fuck on about a dozen levels. As soon as I thought the parade of morons was mercifully at an end, a random senile woman asked for a moose chili recipe. Har-de-har-har, those moose jokes NEVER get old. Well, good luck finding moose meat at the only Wal-Mart in your podunk town, lady. I guess you can substitute canned utility beef.

Some political action committee is going to run this and similar ads on Thanksgiving Day, during football games! Really? A group of sore losers is going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to ruin my favorite holiday? While they're at it, they might as well come over to my aunt's house and have a neocon circle jerk in the dining room, using our Thanksgiving feast as their "biscuit". Fuck them. Fuck them in their necks.

In 2004, conservatives were allowed to spend the Thanksgiving holiday basking in the glow of their political victories. Leftist pacs didn't air commercials thanking that adultrous fop John Edwards for being the second banana on a losing ticket! I declare shennanigans!

If you must watch a Sarah Palin video on Thanksgiving, I recommend this one...

She was at the farm to officially pardon a turkey in her capacity as Governor of Alaska. She didn't pardon them all though, did she?

Sunday, November 23, 2008
Working on a Sunday sucks
Due to Kentucky state law, we can't open the liquor store until 1pm on Sunday afternoon. This displeases the hopeless alcoholics and serial shoppers. They WAIT OUTSIDE THE DOOR until we open. God, I hate the people who get out of their cars and stand in front of the door. They're never cool people, ever. Decent people are at home nursing hangovers or at bars watching football. Only assholes stand in line to be the first wave in to shuffle aimlessly through the aisles of a liquor store.

And since our store also sells food, party supplies, and gift items we get not only the boozy reprobates associated with liquor stores but also the run-of-the-mill mindless sheep common to the general retail experience. As soon as the sound of a toothless vagrant complaining that a pint of Barton's Gin has gone up a nickel has stopped rattling around my skull, I have the last survivor of Noah's Ark asking me ten detailed questions about our condiment inventory.

Sunday is strictly Amateur Day. After the first hour, when the hardcore alcoholics have gotten their fix, the store is populated mostly by people who only leave their filthy hovels once a week. They have the vacant, stunned look of cattle before the slaughter; and their personal hygiene is uniformly atrocious. They ask questions like "What kind of wine goes best with molestation?" and "Why does Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill cost more than it did in 1974?" They'll stand in front of a huge door marked BEER COOLER and inquire "Is there cold beer in there?"

Today we were visited by two very rough looking guys who were covered from head to toe with dirt and soot. They also, quite frankly, smelled like the dumpster behind a fish market. They came in the store on three separate occasions, each time making substantial purchases. What did these dirty, smelly, and kind of frightening men spend hundreds of dollars on? Harsh gin? Rotgut whiskey? Cheap tequilla? Nope. They bought Painted Pony collectibles.

Yes, our liquor store has a gift section that sells dainty porcelain horseys, at over thirty bucks a pop, and these two brutish thugs bought about a dozen of them. I can only surmise that they're filling the ponies with uncut heroin to transport across the state line.

I wish liquor stores were closed on Sundays. The one time I want the bible thumpers to be all bible thumpy, and they let me down.

Addendum: I finally thought of who the Painted Pony buyers looked like: Raising Arizona's Gale and Evelle Snoats.

Thursday, November 20, 2008
Douchebag Sues Author For Calling Him a Douchebag

This douchebag is suing the author of the hilarious blog Hot Chicks with Douchebags, who used his image in a blog-based book entitled, imaginatively enough, Hot Chicks with Douchebags. From Smoking Gun:

Claiming that he has been unfairly branded a "douchebag" in the book "Hot Chicks with Douchebags," a Las Vegas man has filed a libel lawsuit against the volume's author and publisher. Michael Minelli, a 27-year-old club promoter, claims that the inclusion of his photograph in the book has subjected him to "hatred, contempt, and humiliation" and has resulted in "friends, acquaintances, coworkers, employees, and strangers alike" calling him a "douchebag."

Seriously, can anyone look at this scrote and not surmise that "friends, acquaintances, coworkers, employees, and strangers alike" have been calling him a "douchebag" his entire life? He's a Las Vegas club promoter who pops his fucking collar! He's askin' for it!

When this photo was taken, the "victim" was working the door at the Hard Rock Hotel's Sunday pool party, called "Rehab", an event that's widely recognized as the epicenter of Hot Chick/Douchebag commingling. In other words, this douchebag got to decide who was "worthy" of paying forty dollars to enter the Hard Rock pool area. It was his job to judge people, it's what he got paid for, and now he wants to sue someone for judging him? He should sue God, because this is sweet sweet justice on a Biblical scale.

Monday, November 17, 2008
"Interesting" facts about Louisville, Kentucky (with bonus unhinged rant)
-Captain Aaron Fontaine, a Virgina militiaman who settled in Louisville, spent most of the Civil War housing runaway slaves. In 1905 the city built an amusement park on the site of his old estate and named it "Fontaine Ferry" in his honor. Ironically, the park was "Whites Only" until 1967.

-Opening scenes of the 1981 Bill Murray comedy Stripes were filmed on location in downtown Louisville. The city is never mentioned by name, because it's supposed to be New York. Oh, the magic of film.

-Louisville-based National Products, Inc. produces an odd combination of kitchen cabinets and disco balls. Although most disco balls are mass produced overseas, National Products makes them by hand, the old fashioned way. I refuse to boogie down at a disco that uses a cheap foreign disco ball.

-On Friday, February 13, 1981, the Ralston-Purina soybean processing plant released hexane vapors into the Louisville sewer system, causing an explosion that damaged more than two miles of city streets. Remarkably, there were no fatalities, but manhole covers were hurled over thirty feet into the air. I didn't have to go to school that day.

-In 1999, doctors at Louisville Jewish Hospital performed the nation's first hand transplant, giving a New Jersey man the hand of an unknown donor. In April of the same year, the man came back to Louisville to use his new hand to flip a switch and start the world's largest fireworks display. The man needed the operation in the first place because...wait for it, wait for it...his hand was blown off by fireworks.

-Louisville's Kaelin's Restaurant claims to have invented the cheeseburger, but a lot of restaurants across the country claim the same thing, and Kaelin's cheeseburgers aren't even that good, so who gives a flying fuck?

-Okay, this is more "rant" than "fact", but here it goes... Several local downtown businesses closed in the past few months, including the city's only jazz club, a great brewpub that was attached to our baseball stadium, and a couple of well-reviewed restaurants. Instead of trying to help local businesses stay afloat in hard financial times, our mayor and his cronies have decided to use city funds to purchase prime downtown real estate and GIVE the property to an out of town company, so said company can build a row of chain restaurants and chain nightclubs. This is fine if the goal is to make Louisville's downtown look exactly like the downtown of every other medium-sized city in America. In my opinion, "lowest common denominator" should never be a goal.

I think the closed-minded opinion of our city leaders is that tourists and business travelers are only happy when they see something familiar and, if at all possible, shiny. I'll agree that these out of town developments are better than NOTHING, which is what Louisville's downtown had offered for years, but this new project won't be anything that will make people come back to town, or even remember our city's name when the business trip is over and they're back home.

The developer in question, Baltimore's Cordish Co., built the 4th Street Live! entertainment center in 2004. And yes, I'm legally obligated as a resident of Louisville to use the exclamation mark at the end of the name. I have nothing against them or their property. 4th Street Live! is a decent place for downtown workers to unwind at the end of the day, and on weekends it entertains a lot of douchebags and keeps them out of the bars I frequent. However, I don't think they should be given free property and outlandish tax breaks when local businesses are suffering. Silly me, I'd rather have a nice craft beer from the late, lamented Browning's Brewery than swill down a bottle of Bud Light straight from a beer tub, even if the beer tub girl is insanely hot.

The recent actions and inactions of our mayor may force me to do something I rarely do: vote Republican. Ok, I've never voted Republican, so this would be big. Unfortunately, the local Republican party has never fielded a viable candidate for mayor. Our Democratic mayor received over sixty percent of the Republican vote last election, mostly because no one had ever heard of the guy he was running against. Maybe someone, maybe even a different Democrat, can get elected and help spur downtown development without destroying the city's soul. I'm not counting on it, though.

In the meantime, if business happens to bring you to Louisville, do yourself a favor and either rent a car or take a cab to the Highlands neighborhood. I'll meet you at Cumberland and buy you a beer or two.

No Country for Fat Men
So far in life I've been "lucky" enough to have lived in cities - Louisville, Las Vegas, Louisville again - that have their share of fatties.

Las Vegas is world famous for its nightclub scene that brings in "beautiful" people from around the world, but thanks to an abundance of affordable buffets at neighborhood casinos, the local populace leans toward the pleasantly plump. Louisville embraces both the deep-fried cuisine of the South and the doughy, carb-infused diet of the Midwest to create a Perfect Storm of fat-assity. So even though I'm way too tall to ever really blend in, at least I've never stuck out like the proverbial turd in a punchbowl.

That wouldn't be the case if I lived in or even visited Burlington, Vermont, which was recently voted America's Fittest City. I read about their victory over the weekend and later had a hazy, bourbon-fueled dream about being there.

In the dream, I'm leaving a Target store when I'm approached by a young man wearing too much plaid. He stares at me with an accusatory look in his eyes, so I engage him in conversation. My dialogue is in bold.

"Can I help you?"

"Sir, are you trying to smuggle a down comforter out of this place of business?"

"What?, no I'm not. That's my stomach."

"Really? However is that possible?"

"I regularly take in more calories than I burn, and over time that leads to increased body fat."

"Good lord, I've not heard of such a thing. You should stop doing that, as it renders you rather oafish looking, if I may be so bold."

"You don't ever overeat?"

"On the rare occasion when I allow a dollop of maple syrup on my johnnycakes, I'll compensate by running an additional two miles that evening. You see, good sir, a healthy...(Frantically points to someone behind me) OH MY GOD! WHY IS THAT MAN'S SKIN SO DARK?"

"He's a black guy. You know, African-American..."

"Oh. Oh, yes...I've seen his type on television. Obama is black, no?"

"Yeah. Not a lot of diversity in Burlington, huh?"

"But this gentleman is so much...darker, for lack of a better word."

"A person with two African-American parents tends to have darker skin than folks with only one."

"Utterly fascinating. Care to elaborate?"

"No, this is only a dream, so now I have to wake up and go to work."

"And that is when the real nightmare begins, my corpulent friend."

"No shit."

Sunday, November 16, 2008
Odds and Ends
-My patience for stupid customers has worn completely thin. The other day this moron asks, incredulously, "How do you run out of (random product)?", as if our store was the first place to not have something in the history of goods and services.

When he didn't leave I assumed he was waiting around for an answer, so I replied "How do we run out of something? Well, we start with a certain amount of a product, and then we sell that exact amount, which leaves us with none of it left."

-I'll admit to writing the celebratory anthem Goodbye Sarah P a few days before the election. As soon as I finished I realized I had just jinxed Obama big time, so to counterbalance the karma I wrote a post about McCain winning and titled it No We Can't. As soon as Ohio and Florida announced, I deleted it.

-Speaking of the election, they're already selling "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for McCain" bumper stickers. Is the transition going that badly? If I see that on a car before Obama is even inaugurated, I'll put someone in the hospital.

-Unfortunately, I can't take credit for the best idea in the history of innovation. This guy at work came up with it: arena football, as played entirely by midgets. I know...brilliance! "The field is half the length of a regular football field," he reasoned, "so why not have half-sized players?" One thing we both agree upon is that the ball has to be a normal sized football. That will make it twice as entertaining, watching midgets try to keep the ball in their tiny hands. I predict dozens of fumbles every game. And I added this rule: If you catch a midget that ends up in the stands, you get to keep him.

-Last week I did a guest post on this blog. I'd like to thank Crystal for letting me pitch a game in the big leagues. It was fun.

Thursday, November 13, 2008
"Who are the ad geniuses who came up with this one?"
The blog awful announcing usually comments on the morons who call sporting events, but they recently printed an open casting call for a commercial to air on ESPN to promote college basketball.

I'm going to reprint this odd casting call, making fun of it along the way. Sound fun? Well, read it anyway, god damn it! The original text is in bold.

The concept: The spots take place in the ESPN College Basketball Call Center (CBBCC). All of these guys are there representing their schools, calling people on the phone to get them to watch more College Basketball. Basically they are selling college basketball.


MALE. Our guy for Duke UNIVERSITY is a smart, with it, young WHITE male. He's handsome. He's from money. He is, in short, the kind of guy, everyone can't stand. He is the kind of guy everyone wants to be.

-Does everyone want to be the kind of guy everyone can't stand? I want to be the handsome, rich guy everyone likes because he always buys them drinks.

FEMALE. She's a Southern bell. She is the counterpoint to Duke. Being young and pretty everyone wants to be around her. She's charming. Not a dingbat, she's sharp.

-Has the word 'dingbat' been used since All in the Family went off the air?

MALE. Straight out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, Texas is a young man's man. He is the kind of guy that could field dress a deer and then take you to the debutante ball in 20. Polite, farm boy. He's good at everything. Except call centering.

-He isn't good at call centering? Well, fuck him!

MALE. Kansas is straight off the farm. However, he takes great pains to point out that Kansas is very cosmopolitan, as witnessed by their record, their burgeoning tech industry, and their hybrid corns.

-Don't forget the outlawing of evolution.

MALE. Connecticut is all things Connecticut. He's a little bit older.
He's a little bit thicker around the waist. He's WHITE. He's also competitive. Very. Waspy, blue blood.-

-The Chamber of Commerce should use that as a slogan: "Come to Connecticut for Our Fat, Snobby, Overly-Aggressive White Guys; Stay for the Clam Pizza."

MALE. Oklahoma is awesome and he thinks everything is awesome. He's very enthusiastic about all things call center and all things life and he wants to share this contagious enthusiasm with everyone he meets.
Wide-eyed, as naive as they come.

-Yeah, he's enthusiastic until the end of the commercial, when he's blown up by Timothy McVeigh's cartoon ghost.

MALE. Louisville is very true to place. He's short. He's HISPANIC. And one day he hopes to carry on in proud Louisville tradition and race thoroughbreds.

-Watching thoroughbreds race is a proud Louisville tradition, but forcing tiny Hispanics to become jockeys is quickly gaining ground.

FEMALE. Tennessee is orange crazy. The ice tray in her orange fridge, that freezes the water she dyes orange, is that orange. The party girl cowboy hat she wears is a white and orange zebra print. The tattoo on her lower back is Pantone 3 for that Tennessee orange. The only thing that's not orange is her dog, which is the mascot Smokey. Did we mention she's crazy? A slutty girl who would hang out at the cowgirl hall of fame.

-My friend took his kids to the cowgirl hall of fame, and the place was lousy with sluts. They were everywhere.

MALE. Child prodigy. 14-year-old. Or open to an 18-year-old who looks 14. Aeronautical engineering. Wiz kid. Think McLovin from Superbad.

-McLovin? He got into college with a bad fake ID? I don't remember McLovin being very smart.

MALE. Villanova is the poor man's Duke — he's not quite as handsome, he's not quite as rich, he's not quite as dapper. After 2 or 3 beers though, who cares? As he's friendly enough.

-Yes, ladies, get stinking drunk and think about "Duke" as "Villanova" plows you.

MALE He's an ASIAN kid who is in to all things Notre Dame, ridiculously so. Oh, and he's always fighting. Every time we encounter him he always has some words or another, be it the faint traces of a black eye, or a scab or whatever. He epitomizes the fightin' Irish.

-Or maybe his stepfather beats the shit out of him on the weekends. Seriously, is everyone at this ad agency retarded?

FEMALE. Pittsburgh is a tomboy. She obviously grew up in the neighborhood and isn't going to take any guff from anyone and she'll wallop you in the eye with a crowbar if you suggest different. So don't. Think Tina Fey type.

-Yeah, because when I think of a woman who would attack me with a crowbar at the slightest provocation, I think of Tina Fey.

MALE. Jewish kid from Long Island that is loving the college experience. It has opened up a world he never knew existed. All you can eat buffets in the cafeteria — who knew? To Syracuse, everything is a party.

-They're going to have him exclaim "Oy, vey!" aren't they?

FEMALE. Marquette, on a scale of 1-10, she's a six. A B-, C in every category you can define a person by. Her defining characteristic is you don't really remember her. You're not breaking your arm to get to her, but you're not chewing it off to get away. She does have a winning personality though. Midwest, sweet girl.

-"You know Jane, I'd have to be pretty drunk to fuck you, but if I did I wouldn't kill myself over it. You should try out for the role of 'Marquette' in that ESPN commercial."

MALE. Blue collar to the core. Michigan State is one tough kid that grew up by putting a few down. That's just Michigan State's way. Big beefy kid.

-"Sorry my kid killed your kid. That's just his way. What do want, he's beefy!"

MALE. What can we say about Memphis? He's a southern BLACK kid, really culinary and polite. He's artistic, and draws comic books really well.

-How close were they to describing him as "well-spoken"?

FEMALE. She's a fun loving girl, Oklahoma born and bred. Decided not to travel out of State so she should be closer to home. She's a flirt. She's a hot chick.

-Not slutty enough for the cowgirl hall of fame, but still...

MALE. He plays lacrosse. A dude. Low key. Mid Atlantic, wears baseball hats and chinos.

-Look for "Maryland" on a Hot Chicks with Douchebags post, possibly with "Oklahoma State" on his arm.

MALE. He looks like Jim Tressle (head coach of Ohio State football) in the dress code. Red sweater vest. Always. Doesn't care for swearing either — of course we never really test this out as they are commercial advertisements and no one swears in them, but it's true nevertheless.
A Republican.

-Whoever wrote this should lose his job. And perhaps his freedom.

MALE. African-American. Young Obama. Think Toofer-the straight-laced, Harvard grad writer from 30 Rock.

-Look out, Young Obama is pallin' around with poorly conceived stereotypes.

MALE. True to the region, Texas A&M is one tough dude. He's not big physically, but he is imposing. He's an ROTC kid and his 100-yard stare lets you know it.

-In the sequel, he kills everyone with a high powered rifle.

MALE & FEMALE. Baylor is not one people but two. It's a couple. In fact, we're not even sure which one goes to Baylor. We only know they are madly in love. Their world is each other, which is really sweet or really sickening, depending. Think Sheri Oteri and Will Farrell as the cheerleaders.

-Why not save some money and hire a hermaphrodite?

Thankfully, this commercial will never be made. ESPN was in no hurry to offend most of the country, so they released the following statement:
"Our marketing department just learned of this casting call today and the campaign is not something we will pursue. The language and approach reflected in that document were not approved by us and in no way represent ESPN or the respect we have for the college community."

Thanks to awful announcing, all I had to do was cut and paste most of their post and add a few smartass comments. I'm so proud.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Happy Veterans Day
Today is Veterans Day, so this seems like a perfect opportunity to once again trash Senator Saxby Chambliss.

Chambliss, who won his senate seat in 2002 by comparing war veteran and triple amputee Max Cleland to Osama bin Laden, now has to face Democratic challenger Jim Martin in a run-off election, to be held in early December.

Back in 2002, John McCain was justifiably horrified by Chambliss' attack ad: "I'd never seen anything like that ad. Putting pictures of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden next to the picture of a man who left three limbs on the battlefield -- it's worse than disgraceful. It's reprehensible."

That was then, this is now. John McCain is scheduled to be in Georgia on Thursday to campaign for Saxby Chambliss.


Senator McCain, please don't do it. I beg of you, don't assist this man who in your heart you find "reprehensible". I understand that the Republicans want to hold on to this seat; let other national party figures align themselves with this scumbag. They already have Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin ready to go to Georgia to help Chambliss win. Let them sell their souls. Yes, the presidential campaign was vicious, but after your gracious, eloquent concession speech I thought you still had a reserve of human decency left. If you campaign for Saxby Chambliss, two days removed from Veterans Day, you'll have proved me wrong.

Monday, November 10, 2008
The FreeRepublic message board is my anti-drug
I'd like to thank my friend Ubermilf for making me realize that internet message boards can be an endless source of amusement. Before, I would just cringe and bemoan humanity's fast descent into the abyss; but now I laugh knowingly.

A terrific source of pure hilarity is Free Republic. These are hateful, delusional people and I mock their collective existence.

What do the "freepers", as they call themselves (no really, they call themselves that) think of Fox News?

"I don't watch Fox. Too far left."

"The problem with FOX is that they are pandering to people that truly want fair and balanced. We conservatives want the truth."

Classic. These folks are going to be the death of satire. What can Jon Stewart say that's funnier than that?

But will they ever watch Fox News?

"The only time I will watch any FOX News program is when they have Sarah Palin on."

There you go. A wingnut can't crawl out of his undisclosed location without Sarah's name coming up. She's a shinning beacon in the sea of crazy.

"I was a Fox junkie until about 2 months ago. Morning, noon, night I watched it all. The programming made a major turn toward Obama right after Labor Day and I stopped cold turkey."

I guess the one hour special hosted by Sean Hannity in which a discredited anti-semite called Obama a terrorist was in fact "a major turn toward Obama." Funny, I thought it was a shameful smear job.

"I haven’t virtually watched news since election night — I have honestly, before God in heaven, watched NOT ONE SINGLE SECOND of news since Obummer was elected. And I was a former news junky. Obummer is now 'the name that will not be spoken' in our house, even though I’m teaching my homeschooled four children to honor the office even if they cannot honor the man."

It's "junkie", moron. Your poor children won't be able to spell, but at least you'll teach them all about phony, self-serving moralizing.

"Attorney General will definitely be an ultra-liberal, probably black rights lawyer."

Too bad Johnny Cochran is dead.

And it wasn't long before Sarah was mentioned again.

"I'm sorry you were the nominee, John McCain. But! Thanks for at least one thing....for introducing us to the new face of the Republican party."

Oh, please let it happen! I ask for so little, God. Let the Repubs ignore all the data that screams "Moderates are afraid of Palin!"

"Hang tough, Sarah. McCain has an ego problem and needs to go. We can no longer tolerate his kind in our party. I could care less if gives the Dems 60 seats in, it does not matter as he will probably 'reach across the isle' and vote with them anyway. Its time to clean house folks and get the trash out of our party, starting with John McCain."

This insane person voted for "Trash" McCain less than a week ago.

"Palin may be receptive to a third paty run based on the shabby treatment she got from McNutjob and the other mental pygmies and moral dwarfs in the GOP."

This is even better. Let Sarah run as a third party candidate in 2012. Just go ahead and call it the "Dumb as a Fucking Stump" party. If it ends up being Obama vs. Romney in four years, I wonder who Sarah's run would hurt the most?

"As the woman who fought for the campaign with the strength of a thousand warriors is assailed by every loser there is, where is John McCain?"

She spent someone else's money with the strength of a thousand shoppers, that's for sure.

What do the "freepers" think of Mittens?

"Romney has led this attack on a woman in his vicious, fascist, depraved, way."

Did, he, really, do, that?

This is my absolute favorite:

"Secession. It’s our only hope. The lib Northeast and West will collapse if we withdraw and refuse to send in our tax dollars. In just a few years the Red States will be the worlds #1 economic powerhouse and the starving lib states will beg to rejoin us and do things our way."

Thank you for your thoughts, Ghost of Jefferson Davis. Not only is that a treasonous statement, it's also fucking stupid.

Is this just states? I don't want to move again, so I say let all blue counties stay in the original USA. We'll take New York, Chicago, etc, and the Red States of Amurakuh can have Sisterfuck, West Virginia.

Saturday, November 08, 2008
Yee haw! We done elected ourselves a hot ass judge!
Yeah, so Barack Obama is America's first black president. That's great, but what about this country's shocking reluctance to elect inexperienced, unqualified, attractive young women as district judges? Louisville is not afraid to take the lead in righting this horrible wrong.

29-year-old Katie King was just elected to the position of District Court Judge. Here's her commercial:

I don't think they said her name enough. And "I can do it, because I've done it" is either the dumbest or most brilliant political slogan ever. I can't decide.

For a different side of Katie, check out this distributed attack ad.

Yeah, that's our judge's tramp stamp. And that's our judge apparently doing "The Worm".

That ad was distributed by some fringe group called Citizens for Family and Moral Values, who are apparently a bunch of killjoys. I didn't vote for Katie, but I sure would party with her, and isn't that just as important?

There were also news reports about a former boyfriend calling 911 because Katie was trying to break down his front door; and the fact that she called her female supervisor a "fucking cunt" at a staff meeting; and how she had a terrible attendance record at her last job. But somehow, Katie King prevailed.

Oh, did I mention that her father is President of the Louisville City Council and spent a lot of his own money and political clout to get daddy's little girl elected? Yeah, there's that.

So here's to "Judge" Katie King, for proving that as long as you're attractive and well-connected you can achieve anything.

Damn. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008
The Andrea Effect
During this long presidential campaign, I kept hearing about The Bradley Effect, a theory that a lot of white people will tell pollsters they're voting for the black guy, but really won't. It's named after former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley, who was ahead in all of the polls when he ran for California governor, but ended up losing.

There really wasn't a Bradley Effect in this election, at least not enough to cost Obama the election. There was, however, an Andrea Effect.

"What?" you may be asking. Andrea is a co-worker of mine, and she now has an 'effect' named after her.

A little background, if you'll indulge me: About a year ago, Andrea tells me how the U.S. government was behind the 9/11 attacks. I tell her she's a fucking loon and that's the last I hear about it. Fast forward several months, and suddenly Andrea tells me she's now a Republican. Why? She really likes Sarah Palin.

Okay, think about this for a minute. Because of Sarah Palin, a young woman who thinks the Republicans flew jets into the World Trade Center (which, of course, isn't true) suddenly supports the Republican candidates. Textbooks are written about that kind of insanity. I knew that, as soon as Andrea cast her lot with the GOP, they were doomed to fail.

Today Andrea was very angry about the election results. She believes, and it pains me to even type this, that Bill Ayers paid for Obama's Harvard Law education. Yes, you read that correctly. I've ignored her recent buffoonery, but I couldn't stay quiet this time.

"What are you talking about?" I asked her.

"Well, how else did someone with no money go to Harvard?" she caterwauled.

"Maybe...I don't know....he got a scholarship? You see, sometimes really smart people get scholarships. It keeps our graduate and professional schools from being filled with wealthy morons."

Jesus on a moped, why am I subjected to such ignorance?

The Andrea Effect is truly Sarah Palin's legacy. Yes, the hardcore Repub base loved Palin, but moderates hated her; and the only new women she brought to the party were folks like Andrea, anti-social internet marms who think believing well-written lies makes them intellectuals.

Wonder why McCain didn't have the "get out the vote" force that helped Bush win? Maybe it had something to do with that night at the Republican National Convention, when Mittens, Giuli9/11ani, and Sarah Palin blew hard-right ass water all over community organizers. A lot of those people so casually mocked that night are conservative Christians, people who in the past donated their time to help Republicans win elections. They didn't seem as driven this time. I wonder why?

I'm torn regarding Sarah. Part of me wants her to disappear forever, because she's a proudly ignorant, lying cunt. But another part of me wants her to become the face of the Republican party, insuring Democratic dominance for years to come. I'm conflicted.

Note: John McCain gave a very gracious, moving concession speech. In the immortal words of Red from The Shawshank Redemption, "The colossal prick even managed to sound magnanimous."

Tuesday, November 04, 2008
I wrote a song
I wrote some lyrics to the tune of Elton John's Candle in the Wind.

Fart in the Wind (Goodbye Sarah P)

Goodbye Sarah P
There was nothing about you but looks
You charged girls for rape kits
And you banned a lot of books

You crawled out of the woodwork
With your tiny little brain
You had several children
And you gave them stupid names

And it seems to me your political life
Is like a fart in the wind
And the bad smell went away
When the votes came in
And I'm glad I didn't know you
'Cause you seem like a bitch
When it seemed McCain would lose
You threw him in a ditch

Interviews are tough
When you don't have a clue
Rush made you a superstar
But you turned the red states blue

Moderates and women
Oh, they really hated you
Even your supporters
Just wanted to see you in the nude

And it seems to me your political life
Is like a fart in the wind
And the bad smell went away
When the votes came in
And I'm glad I didn't know you
Because you make me ill
Your legend will burn out long before
Your ambition ever will

Eight years is enough! VOTE!

Sunday, November 02, 2008
Thanks, Dick!

Dick Cheney, shown here during happier times, just endorsed John McCain for President.

Is this the "October surprise" I've been worried about? Is McCain thrilled to have the Cheney juggernaut of voter disapproval attached to his campaign? What, was Montgomery Burns unavailable for a stump speech guest appearance?

You won't see President Bush out there campaigning for his "good friend" John McCain. He'll be sequestered in the White House panic room with a gross of Zesty Ranch Pork Rinds until the election is over, lest undecided voters see him butcher the English language on C-Span and cast their lots with Obama.

I have an idea that I think the Dems should run with: Unleash a small army of George Bush impersonators across all the swing states and have each of them deliver campaign speeches for John McCain.

"Senator McCain couldn't be here today, because he's busy in what he likes to call 'a real state'. You see, John McCain thinks there are two many inbred morons in these parts, so he sent me to talk to you. And I'm here to tell you that a vote for McCain is a vote for my third term."

I should run political campaigns.