Sunday, May 30, 2010
I did not write the best movie review ever, but I'll get over it in time
The best movie review ever has just been written by Lindy West, who writes for a Seattle alt newspaper called The Stranger. It's a review of Sex and the City 2; and it's the kind of scathing rebuke of something very popular with certain women that could only be written by a woman. If you want to read the entire review (and you really should) go here, but I've pulled a few choice cuts for your convenience.

"SATC2 takes everything that I hold dear as a woman and as a human—working hard, contributing to society, not being an entitled cunt like it's my job—and rapes it to death with a stiletto that costs more than my car." 

Perfect. Just fucking perfect. But wait, there's more.

"It is 146 minutes long, which means that I entered the theater in the bloom of youth and emerged with a family of field mice living in my long, white mustache. This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls."

Slow clap, '80s teen movie style.

George Carlin once said something to the effect that feminism should be more than just women emulating the very worst behaviors of men, and isn't that what Sex and the City has always been about? Yes, of course you have the right to be shallow and emotionally detached, but do we really have to celebrate that like it's a good thing? We do? Fuck.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to scour the internet to see if an African-American has written a hostile review of Tyler Perry's House of Payne.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Porn Star Eats Banana, Nation Ogles Lustily
That last post was fairly serious, huh? Yeah, I get a little miffed when my state nominates some douche who wants to set the civil rights movement back 45 fucking years. 

But we've got until November to grind Rand Paul's teabagger bones into a fine powder, so let's just relax and look at this picture of Kayden Kross eating a banana. 

Do you feel better? I know I do. 

Are any of you offended by this? Really? I had no idea elderly women from the Ozarks read this blog. Welcome to Death Wore a Feathered Mullet, ladies; and congrats on solving the vast mystery that is the internet.

I'm not worried about hateful emails, though. They get their blood all angered up and then the USA Network plays a Murder She Wrote marathon and they forget all about it.

"That filthy so and so. I have a good mind to....Wait, what's this? Ed, get in here. Angela Lansbury is on the cables!"

And really, since Ms. Kross is a porn star, they're lucky that's just a banana in her mouth. Witty, huh? I'll be here all week, folks. Be sure to tip your bartenders and cocktail waitresses. Try the buffet.

Monday, May 24, 2010
Why are we still debating this?
Last week, in their infinite wisdom, Kentucky Republicans selected Tea Party toady Rand Paul as their candidate for the Senate seat being vacated by senile gasbag Jim Bunning. Immediately thereafter, Mr. Paul went on national TV and said he opposed key provisions of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, on the grounds that the government shouldn't be allowed to tell a hypothetical racist business owner who he can serve. 

I was willing to give Rand a slight benefit of the doubt and cast him off as a nutty ideologue instead of a racist, mainly because of a Barry Goldwater documentary I saw a few years ago.

Goldwater opposed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 back in 1964, when it was actual news. In the aforementioned documentary, survivors of the civil rights movement, one after the other, stated that Goldwater wasn't racist at all, but was a fervent supporter of state's rights to the detriment of common sense. If black men who lived through segregation are telling me Barry Goldwater wasn't racist, I'm going to believe them. Maybe Rand was a Libertarian version of Barry Goldwater.

But I did some research (googling, which takes one second) and found that Rand Paul opposes gay marriage. So, for those of you scoring at home, Rand Paul is against the government telling a guy he has to sell a sandwich to black people, but all for the government telling a guy who he can and cannot marry. Oh, he also thinks it's fine for the government to prohibit women from having abortions. He's Libertarian when it's convenient for him.

I don't trust people who say they hate government but desperately want to get elected to a government position. It's like a woman saying "I hate prostitution, so I'm going to go to Nevada and get a job at a brothel and sell my pussy the right way." A whore is a whore. And I'm not talking about the prostitute.

Rand Paul, a Libertarian who wants the government to limit certain rights, is a perfect candidate for the Tea Party, whose main constituents are people on medicare who oppose government controlled health care. These contradictions give me a fucking headache, but all of this talk obscures the main question:


It was passed in 1964, people; HENCE THE NAME. Can we move on? I wasn't born yet, and I'm old as fuck. Rand was in diapers at the time. We have real problems in this country and Rand Paul is upset because some inbred fuck who won a general store at a cock fight is being forced to sell a black guy a watered down cup of bean soup. It's been the law for over 45 years. I think that's plenty of time for bigots to have adjusted their business model. 

Thursday, May 20, 2010
I've seen the needle and the damage done...
Aging gracefully is so twentieth century.

There may be a legitimate use for Botox. Perhaps it can aid an idealistic district attorney who was horribly disfigured by toxic chemicals. Other than that, it seems to make people look like they just got beat across the face with a bag of sweet Valencia oranges.

Hey, nobody likes wrinkles - except geriatric porn fetishists - but are wrinkles so bad that you want to become a swollen-faced freak?

For the extremely vain, haven't we tortured enough rabbits to come up with a decent concealer? For example, if a few gray hairs really bothered me, I could either touch them up with something like Just For Men (the concealer route) or shave my head and wear an outrageously bogus looking toupee (the Botox route). It doesn't seem like that tough a decision. I do neither, because three or four gray hairs is the least of my problems, but I'll save that for another post.

About five years ago my brother and I were at a local casino in Las Vegas playing the Wheel of Fortune quarter slots (we are big time gamblers!). In my periphery I could see the quintessential Vegas "old broad" heading our way. She had skin like saddle leather, a Botoxed face with the requisite bee-stung lips, GIGANTIC fake breasts, and held a cigarette in one hand and a gin martini in the other. She may have been quite the showgirl back in her day, but by 2005 she was a walking cautionary tale.

As she approached, we hit a minor "jackpot" on the slot machine; and I mean minor as in a few dollars. The woman stopped, looked at us, and said in a voice that suggested she gargled with molten lava, "Everybody wins when April Diamond walks by."

And she was right. We were the big winners. We were the big winners in the casino that night. That is unintentional comedy gold for the win.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Same as it ever was...
The primary elections were held in Kentucky Tuesday, and there were some interesting results. Ok, that's a lie: None of the results were interesting at all.

For Louisville mayor, I supported local businessman Tyler Allen in the Democratic primary. Allen ran a clean, honorable campaign in which he proposed new ideas instead of the same tired "solutions" that never work. Needless to say, he was absolutely crushed by his competition.

I voted for Tyler Allen mainly because he opposes the ridiculous Ohio River Bridge Project, which, if ever completed, would make Louisville's downtown look like this, at a cost of 4.1 BILLION dollars and counting. Yes, that's a highway hovering over Louisville's nice, unassuming minor league baseball stadium.

Of course, I'm really not all that concerned because of this city's history of complete failure when it comes to updating our infrastructure. If that concrete monstrosity is ever actually built, no one reading this will still be alive to drive on it. It'll take that long.

The guy who won the Democratic mayoral primary has never uttered one sentence of substance. Seriously, he brags about it on his website. I'd actually vote for a Republican for mayor if he was simply a fiscal conservative, but that's never the way it works around here. The local Republican candidate is almost always some snake handler who speaks in tongues and is scared of the gays. I admittedly know nothing about the Republican running this year, but I'm sure he'll eventually make me ashamed to be a member of the human race.

Speaking of which...crazy teabagger Rand Paul, who believes all of our government services should be paid for by magical fairies or something, won the Republican congressional primary. Several of his nutty tea party supporters were arrested yesterday for voter intimidation, so he has that going for him, which is nice. When the state's semi-literate hillbillies send this clown to Washington this Fall, I'll die a little bit more inside.

Thursday, May 13, 2010
This Just In: Internet Cock-n-Balls Award to Make Life Worth Living
The good folks over at Ed's Funny Pages just bestowed a major award on yours truly. I won a prestigious (and homoerotically phallic) 2010 Funniest Blogger Award. I appreciate the recognition, even though they spelled "be careful" as one word. I'm guessing the panel of judges loves self-loathing and hates Sarah Palin. That is the only way this blog could have won anything these days.

I would also like to thank Kate, who nominated me for this honor. I used to have a searing lust for Kate, but she had to go and ruin it by getting married. How dare she not enable my pathetic internet fantasies! However, this gesture makes me love her all over again. Kate, if you ever want to leave your happy life in Kansas City for one of abject poverty and misery in Louisville, I'm your guy!

Of course, now I feel obligated to be funny all the time, to not cheapen nor sully the yellow dick trophy given to me by an internet stranger. This could prove to be a huge god damn burden. But thanks anyway!

Monday, May 10, 2010
More on Palin, like it or not
Even though my last post has received an all-time DWAFM low of ZERO comments (thanks a fucking lot), I'm going to bash Sarah Palin some more, because it makes me feel better.

A couple of smartasses have written a book entitled Going Rouge: Sarah Palin, An American Nightmare. I haven't read it yet, but I'm guessing it takes a massive shit into Sarah's gaping mouth.

I have, however, read the comments/user reviews over at its Google Products page. Pure hilarity. Let's look at some of them, shall we?

First of all, there are those who don't know the difference between the book Going Rogue, written by Sarah Palin's ghostwriter, and the parody Going Rouge.

For example, Virginia Burgess-bronga wrote, "This book by Sarah Palin was informative and inspirational. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and encouraged all my friends to get it which they did and enjoyed it too!"

So apparently Ms. Burgess-bronga, who obviously can't read and is a big liar, not only believes that Sarah Palin wrote a book entitled Sarah Palin, An American Nightmare, but also encouraged her friends who meet at Olive Garden every Thursday for lunch to read it or at least pretend to.

But she's not alone. D. Ingram adds, "I very much appreciated the opportunity to read about the life of Sarah Palin. She is the real deal. She truly believes in God, Country and the American people. At the time of the election we just couldn't see it through the political machine that was created by all the handlers."

First of all, internet person who is REVIEWING THE WRONG BOOK, Sarah Palin only cares about herself. Period. And really? The problem wasn't her ineptitude, but the fact that McCain's people tried to hide the depth of said ineptitude? Well, that's a different, albeit completely retarded, way of looking at it.

Reviewer LadyDi22 has the right review site but picked up the wrong book. She writes, in a princessly fashion of course, "The cover is eerily similar to her's. I had to make another trip to Walmart to return it."

While you were at Wal-Mart you should have also returned the unnecessary apostrophe you added to the word "hers", you fucking moron.

There are more like that, but let's turn our attention to Sarah's Tea Party followers, the shit-for-brains fuck-for-alls who make modern life damn near unbearable.

Marketing genius Richard Matson titles his review "Ripoff Book!" and states, "Knowing they wouldn't sell a single copy using any other title! They cower to the gutter mentality of ripoff artists using rewording of Sarah Palin's all time record for non-fiction pre-release book!"

So their strategy was to fool stupid Palin supporters into thinking they were buying her book? If I, as a Democrat, buy a book entitled Obama: Socialist or Anti-Christ? and think to myself, "Wow, I have just purchased a fair-minded glimpse into the life of our president," I am a fucking tool and deserve to be force-fed a dissenting opinion.

Take Brett Goodlin, for example. He kept simpleton drool off his laptop long enough to type, "This book was printed with the sole intention of being deceptive and it worked. I was meaning to buy this book as a gift and I saw Going Rouge and Sarah Palin. I obviously didn't look too close, but shame shame shame on the publishers for ruining one of my Christmas gifts!"

You sure didn't look too close, Brett, because "Rouge" and "Rogue" are two fucking different words. Close, yes...but they have vastly different meanings. Oh, the intricate maze that is the English language, your god damn native tongue!!! And, I'll repeat yet again, the word "NIGHTMARE" is on the cover. Too bad about Christmas, but you tried to get through life by simply recognizing colors and shapes, Brett...and your Aunt Hildie paid the price!

A lot of reviewers, way too many to name here, warn the unsuspecting public that "This ain't Sarah's book! It's a fake!" Oh, if only PrincessDi22 had heeded those warnings. It would have saved her a trip to Wal-Mart! And they all write it like they've discovered a vast left wing conspiracy. They're so fucking PROUD of themselves for figuring out that Sarah Palin: An American Nightmare ISN'T GOING TO FLATTER SARAH PALIN! "It's got two different titles. By god, these might be two separate books!" Yes, Agatha Cunting Christie, Sarah Palin didn't call herself a nightmare in the title of her book. Nice find.

Then you have the people who've never read the book (or any book, ever) but "review" it by espousing their stone age political beliefs.

Bouldergirl283 exposes her paranoia by asking, "Where is the book questioning Obama's true experience or agenda?" I don't understand the question. Is she suggesting that Sarah Palin: An American Nightmare should question Obama's agenda? Now that would be a deceptively titled book! Or is she implying that there are no anti-Obama books on the market? If Bouldergirl would stop loitering by the literature shelf at Big Lots and enter an actual bookstore, she would see more anti-Obama books than she could pretend to read in a lifetime (a lifetime that will undoubtedly be cut short by a crippling Meth addiction).

Someone named Ultra Magnus suggests "How about the left wing comes out with a book called 'Al Gore: American hypocrite'" (at least I think that's a suggestion). They should totally do that. A group of left wing authors, all of whom support Al Gore, should go ahead and write a book calling him a hypocrite. And they shouldn't capitalize "hypocrite" in the title. That would really frustrate a dull ol' policy wonk like Gore. "Tipper, some people wrote an unflattering book about me. They're entitled to their opinions and all, but why did they have to title it like a fucking dickhead?"

There are a lot of books that attack Obama, the Clintons, etc. I'll never read a word of any of them, but it doesn't bother me that they exist. These people are public figures (and millionaires) and unflattering press is part of what they signed up for. The people who are so upset that poor helpless Sarah was attacked need to put down the National Enquirer and relax.

Friday, May 07, 2010
I go "FJM" on Ted Nugent (and Sarah Palin)
There used to be a website called Fire Joe Morgan. Their shtick was to take a sports-related newspaper column or TV rant and tear it apart, sometimes sentence by sentence.

This month in Time magazine, guitar legend Ted Nugent took time out from shooting animals with arrows to write a short essay on Sarah Palin. It's a piece of work.

If Sarah Palin played a loud, grinding instrument, she would be in my band.

I submit that Sarah's voice is a "loud, grinding instrument" that would shame any electric guitar. And Ted Nugent still has a band? Was there a Damn Yankees reunion I was unaware of?

The independent patriotic spirit, attitude and soul of our forefathers are alive and well in Sarah.

I always thought to myself, "If Thomas Jefferson was alive today he'd be shooting moose from a helicopter."

In the way she lives, what she says and how she dedicates herself to make America better in these interesting times, she represents the good, while exposing the bad and ugly.

By "exposing the bad and ugly" I guess Ted is talking about the slime who hold up racist signs at Tea Party Rallies. They wouldn't be exposed without their hero, Sarah. I can't for the life of me figure out how she "represents the good", but she did help Tina Fey's career, and Tina is pretty cool.

She embraces the critical duty of we the people by participating in this glorious experiment in self-government.

I don't know what this sentence means. There is no "self-government". We all use government roads, government schools, government emergency services, etc. When I buy a copy of Time magazine just so I can wipe my ass with Ted's moronic article, I'll be thanking the local government and its sewers when I flush it down the toilet.

The tsunami of support proves that Sarah represents what many Americans know to be common and sensible.

I think it proves the American lust for the lowest common denominator. People of the Tea Party, Sarah Palin is not one of you. Just because she shares your mind-numbing distrust of intellectualism doesn't mean she's going to use her millions of dollars to help you pay the mortgage.

Her rugged individualism, self-reliance and a herculean work ethic resonate now more than ever in a country spinning away from these basics that made the U.S.A. the last best place.

Herculean work ethic? Sarah Palin quit her job as Alaskan governor so she could write a "book" and suck at the reality TV teet. I can't think of anyone who works as little for so much money. Even Paris Hilton throws us a sex tape every few months.

We who are driven to be assets to our families, communities and our beloved country connect with the principles that Sarah Palin embodies.

No, we don't. Despite what Fox News or Rush Limbaugh might tell you, Sarah Palin is a fringe figurehead for a fringe movement.

We know that bureaucrats and, even more, Fedzilla, are not the solution; they are the problem.

Hey, we agree on something. Since Sarah Palin is your solution, I'm afraid that's where we part company.

I'd be proud to share a moose-barbecue campfire with the Palin family anytime, so long as I can shoot the moose.

Ha, good one, Ted. You could write for Leno with those zingers.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Upper Class Douchebag "Accidentally" Kills Ex
Is this the Jonas Brother's less-gay cousin? No, it's college lacrosse player George Huguely. The other night he kicked in the dorm room door of his former girlfriend, Yeardly Love, and slammed her head against a wall until she died.

His sleazy bottom-feeder attorney was quoted as saying "..we are confident that Ms. Love's death was not intended, but an accident with a tragic outcome."

Accidents happen, right?

What's that? The lawyer's a sniveling piece of human garbage? Hey, you're right! Fuck that guy!

I guess Huguely's upbringing, which no doubt consisted of sass-talking a series of maids and man-servants, left him unable to determine how many vicious head slams to a wall it takes to make a point without killing someone. I'm sure his attorney will use this as a defense.

Scumbag lawyer: "Given Mr. Huguely's privileged background, he was unaware of the perils of physical abuse. His parents abused one another via icy stares, infidelity, and passive-aggressive quips."

Obviously, it doesn't matter to the victim or her family whether her killer was a gang member or a spoiled, lacrosse playing nancy. I just hope his affluence doesn't lead some judge or jury to take it easy on him. I have a feeling if this pretty boy ever makes it to prison his head is going to be repeatedly slammed into a wall. And by "head" I mean his asshole, and by "wall" I mean his cellmate's cock.