Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Ho-Ho-Heavenly Father
I think the number one factor in determining one's "faith" can be summed up by this question: What do you want from God? Everyone, regardless of their seemingly selfless nature, wants something from their celestial Santa. Even atheists want something from God: to be left alone.
Members of the religious right want God as an excuse for hatred and bigotry. Christwhores(those who use Jesus for any gain other than spiritual) holding "God Hates Fags" signs are just updated versions of a mob of crackers hanging a black man from a tree in 1958. Yes, I know one is a stupid opinion and the other is murder, but the difference is of means, not of motive. Why, during the 2004 election, did George W. Bush repeatedly say, "Marriage should be between a man and a woman"? Because if he said, "White kids shouldn't go to school with them darkies" he might have lost Ohio.
Before you begin to think of me as some peaceful hippie type, allow me to state that I'm a very hate-filled person. However, my hate isn't based on race or religion or which consenting adult you decide to fuck. My hatred is a meritocracy, earned by people each and every day.
This brings me to what I want from God. I don't want money or power or fame; I don't even want happiness. All I want from God is punishment of my enemies. I want anyone who ever crossed me, even in the slightest, to roast in Hell for all eternity. If you stepped on my foot at Woodstock '94 and didn't say "Excuse me," I want Satan's knobby demon-cock to bruise your internal organs for ever and ever. If you charged me ten dollars for a watered-down drink and I wasn't in a strip club, I want to hear your anguished cries till the end of days.
I hope there's some way to avoid Hell, other than living a righteous life, of course. There's always the popular deathbed conversion, but I think that's completely unfair to those who die instantly.
I'm not worried about the heat - I live in Las Vegas - but the little things would bug the shit out of me. I imagine being in Hell and having to fend off the unwanted advances of a leering J. Edgar Hoover; being forced to lure teenage boys to John Wayne Gacy's place; and constantly reassuring Hitler, "Yeah, Adolph, the moustache looks great," just to shut him up. Man, I don't think I could deal with that.


Blogger MsHellion said...

You know who else is down there? Rod Roddy. I tell ya, that truly is Hell.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Rod Roddy in hell...Brings new meaning to the phrase "Come on down."

Blogger PusBoy said...

I'm an atheist, and I don't want God to leave me alone. If he's there, I think I'd prefer a punch in the face.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I stand corrected.

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