An open letter to the smelly guy at the Vernon Club last night

Dear Stinky McPoopypants:

Hey, I understand that you're way too cool to conform to the rigid standards of polite society. Really, I get it. But you went out in PUBLIC, to a crowded, confined space, smelling like a mohel's burlap sack of discarded foreskins. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE, SIR!

I realize that the economy's tight and times are hard, but no one expected you to drive up in a Rolls Royce sporting an Armani suit; we just wanted to be able to enjoy a great live band without getting a metaphorical dirty sanchez from your subhuman musk. Cover to see the band was five dollars, and those beers you were drinking were three or four dollars apiece, depending on whether it was shitty or good beer. If you have the money to go out, you have the money to introduce soap and water to your god-forsaken pits and groins. Have you ever considered for a fucking second that the rest of civilization doesn't want to bask in your funk, you self-centered hipster piece of shit?

In closing, taking a shower will not turn you into a soulless cog in the military-industrial complex. It will just make you smell less like a rotting pile of fetid refuse. Bathe or die, motherfucker.

Sincerely,

The rest of the world

Top Ten Reasons Sarah Palin Resigned as Alaska's Governor

10. New permanent guest host on Letterman's show.

9. Reading "every magazine, all of 'em" is god damn time consuming!

8. Nothing says "Presidential Frontrunner" more than not being able to finish one term as the leader of a sparsely populated icebox.

7. Has already killed all of the moose in Alaska, so watch out Montana.

6. Needs time to cover up Bristol's torrid affair with Alex Rodriguez.

5. Sarah's special brand of wilful ignorance too powerful to be contained by a single state.

4. Her self-help book, "How to Exploit Your Children for Personal, Financial, and Political Gains" isn't going to write itself.

3. Needs to move somewhere else to expand repertoire of folksy colloquialisms.

2. Her husband wants to move to a place more likely to secede from the United States.

1. Hey, governorin's hard.

Never dating again

A few weeks ago I went on a match.com date to see The Hangover, the funniest movie I've seen in recent years. My date had an annoying laugh. Yeah. Uproarious Comedy + Annoying Laugh = Me Contemplating Suicide.

And it wasn't just a little annoying. Imagine the laugh of Amy Pohler as Hillary Clinton, mixed with an air raid siren and the braying of a diseased jackass. Hell's soundtrack now has its first single, folks.

Did I pull a Jerry Seinfeld and stop dating this woman because of her terrible laugh? Of course not. We really didn't like each other that much. If we had clicked, I just would have avoided taking her to comedies. Or ever saying anything even remotely amusing, ever.

Her: "Let's see a movie. How about the new Will Farrell film?"

Me: "Not in the mood for that...Hey, there's a midnight showing of Schindler's List."

I'm done with internet dating. In fact, I can't imagine myself ever planning another date of any kind. I no longer have the patience to try to break through the impenetrable shield put up by the women who'll agree to go out with me. And I'm getting really really old, so pretty soon I'll have to start dating ladies who wear applique sweatshirts, the Murder, She Wrote of garments; and I'm way too immature to handle that.

Swearing to the Oldies

We listen to an "oldies" station at work. "Oldies" is a relative term, but in this case refers to music from the late 50s and early 60s. The reason given by management for choosing this aural atrocity? "They play the Beatles and the Rolling Stones."

Yeah, during an eight hour shift I'll hear two Beatles and two Rolling Stones songs. That's about fifteen minutes of decent music versus seven hours and forty-five minutes of complete shit. Does that sound like a fair trade off?

God in heaven, I hate 50s sock hop crap and old soul songs "honkified" for the post-war caucasian audience. It's all a bunch of creepy Eisenhower-era grown men singing about high school. One song they play contains the less-than-immortal line "She was way too cute to be a minute over seventeen."

Seriously, you can't even SAY that in polite society, let alone record it and release it to public radio.

The worst thing about the oldies station, though: Frankie Vali and the Four Seasons. Their music is PURE TORTURE. I'd rather be waterboarded by a boner-sporting Dick Cheney than listen to the fuck-awful caterwauling of Frankie fucking Vali and the Four fucking Seasons. For every Rolling Stones song, Frankie and company get five or six plays, so several times a day I contemplate destroying my own eardrums with a dry toothpick.

Let me be clear, I wish no specific harm to the now-elderly Frankie Vali (we've had way too many celebrity deaths lately, and I don't need that on my conscience), but a few years ago when he guest starred on The Sopranos as a low-level gangster, I got quite a kick out of watching him get shot in the face.

I'm blogging every day in July for no real reason

At work on Tuesday I had an idea for a blog post, but by the time I got home it was gone. The idea was a ghost. So why am I going to try to blog every day for the entire month of July? Why the fuck not? It will force me to write, because I'm obviously not doing anything voluntarily.

I wasn't going to mention the most annoying customer of the day, but since I forgot what I wanted to write about I'll go ahead and give a quick account:

My morning cashier has some kind of hood-rat personal drama and has to leave work for over an hour in the middle of her shift, so I'm forced to take her place at the register. It's pretty slow at the time, so instead of standing directly behind the register I stand about three feet away from it, talking to a coworker who is getting ready to clock in.

Please note that my register light is the only light currently alluminated. I see a woman walking around aimlessly but since she's headed toward the pints of liquor I assume she's just another functioning alcoholic looking for something to stash in her purse during the work day.

She suddenly starts screaming "IS THERE ANYONE HERE TO CHECK ME OUT? ANYONE? ANYONE?" Also kindly note that I'm 6'6", very large, and am wearing a polo shirt indicating my affiliation with the liquor store; AND I'M THREE FEET FROM THE ONLY REGISTER WITH A LIGHT ON!

"I'm right here, ma'am."

Then she says "Well, how was I supposed to know? You were over there talking."

I wanted to reply "Was I supposed to stand at silent attention just waiting to serve you, you shrill, vacant, self-involved, willfully unpleasant redneck trail of taint run-off?"

I remain silent, but damn it's hard to do. I can feel my blood pressure rising. There is nothing worse than being corrected by a fucking moron.

Then she can't find her credit card, and her demeanor changes. "Oh, I'm so sorry, it's in here somewhere...I just used it at (some vague white trash provider of goods and services) so I know I still have it. I'm so sorry."

She finally finds her card and swipes it, then goes into the most mind-numbing rant since The Gazebo Blend Soliloquy of 2005. "I want to run this as a credit card, because when I use debit my bank charges me a quarter. Can you believe that? Every time I use my card as a debit, my bank charges me a quarter, and that's bullshit!"

She then looks over and realizes she just cursed in front of young lady and her small child, so she offers THE DUMBEST APOLOGY EVER.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said 'bullshit' in front of the kid."

Let me repeat for those of you in utter disbelief. "I shouldn't have said 'bullshit' in front of the kid." She says it louder than the first time.

Then for good measure she mentions two or three more times that her bank charges 25 cents if she uses her bank card as a debit. Oh, and she smells of stale cigarettes and dollar store lotions.

At least when she finally leaves, the next customer agrees that she is probably the most appalling piece of garbage ever to escape the trailer park. So it isn't just me.

It's gonna be a long month.

A question:

When OJ Simpson dies, will he get the same consideration Michael Jackson is now receiving?

OJ Simpson, in his prime, was one of the best football players in the history of the sport; a rare combination of speed and power. He played for a horrible team, everyone knew he was their only option, and he still could not be stopped.

So, when OJ eventually passes, will a gushing mainstream media suddenly forget all of the bad things he did in life and emphasize his gridiron greatness? Will football stadiums fill with grieving fans eager to celebrate his on-field accomplishments and very willing to ignore his off-field troubles?

"Hey," you're saying outloud at your computer, prompting stares from friends and/or family, "OJ Simpson killed two people!"

Well, to quote every Michael Jackson apologist ever, "HE WAS ACQUITTED." Acquital is acquital, be it for child molestation or double murder.

So when OJ goes gently into that good night, I fully expect ESPN classic to play 24-hours of his greatest games, with interviews of old timers who remember exactly where they were when he broke 2,000 yards in a season. Any mention of his trials will be mere afterthoughts to his life as "The King of Football".

Live blogging the NBA Draft

Since so few people read this blog these days, I'm going to go ahead and live blog the NBA Draft. I know no one cares about this; hell, even I don't really care about this. As usual, I'm approaching this from a position of complete ignorance.

New Yorkers in the crowd are already getting on my fucking nerves, although I do admire the fact that so many of them are drunk at 7:30.

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma

Talk about good news/bad news. The Clippers are cursed, their coach is a rah-tard, and they're ugly stepchildren to the Lakers in their own city. I hope Blake enjoyed all the winning he did in college, because those days are sadly over.

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, Connecticut

Hasheem is 7'3". I didn't know they stacked shit that high. Yeah, I'm not a fan, sorry. If Thabeet is as good as he thinks he is, the Grizzlies just drafted Jesus Christ.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - James Harden, Arizona State

So this guy is going from the Number 1 party college in the country to the town with the most Sonic restaurants in North America. That guaranteed first-round money will buy a lot of Tater Tots. Confession: I have no idea who this person is.

4. Sacramento Kings - Tyreke Evans, Memphis

Last summer Tyreke was in a car with the assailant during a drive-by shooting. Today he's a millionaire. Think about that when you get up nice and early to go to work tomorrow.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ricky Rubio, Spain

Has anyone ever seen this guy play? It would be funny if Ricky Rubio turned out to be one of Sasha Baron Cohen's wacky characters. If he ever says one of the Timberwolves cheerleaders has "vagine like sleeve of wizard" we know something's up.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse

Minnesota has two picks in a row, so they follow their draft of Boruno G by selecting their second straight point guard. There's either a trade in the works or the Timberwolves are morons. Or maybe both.

7. Golden State Warriors - Stephen Curry, Davidson

HAHAHAHAHAHA! The New York Knicks fans wanted Curry, and Golden State took him one spot ahead of them. New York, your disappointment sustains me.

8. New York Knicks - Jordan Hill, Arizona

This guy is getting booed hard. Maybe the crowd saw him play the only time I saw him: when his team lost to Louisville by 40 points in the NCAA tourney. I suddenly feel a little sorry for Knicks fans. My condolences.

9. Toronto Raptors - DeMar DeRozan, Southern California
If I still lived on the West Coast I'd have probably heard of this guy before now. Now he's in Canada, so it's not like I'll ever see him again.

On a serious note, it turns out both of his parents are ill and he vows to spend his money to help them, so at least his fortune won't be wasted. Let's hope the next pick doesn't have a tragic back story so I can rag on him with impunity.

10. Milwaukee Bucks - Brandon Jennings, Compton, CA

Jennings played in Italy after high school, so he can say "colossal bust" in two languages.

11. New Jersey Nets - Terrence Williams, LOUISVILLE

Fuck yeah! T-Will gets paid! What, am I supposed to be objective? Nope.

12. Charlotte Bobcats - Gerald Henderson, Duke

Stays in North Carolina, so he doesn't have to learn to speak standard English.

13. Indiana Pacers - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina

Getting the "overrated" chant by the crowd. Ouch. Regardless, every corn-fed honky in Indiana will have a Hansbrough Pacers jersey by the end of the week, so good pick.

14. Phoenix Suns - Earl Clark, Louisville

Earl is a no-show at the draft site, which disappoints me. I watched him play for three years at Louisville and never heard him say a word, so I was looking forward to the interview. I predict that Earl will have great success in Phoenix, who will then trade him to save money.

15. Detroit Pistons - Austin Daye, Gonzaga

I hope he's as successful as Adam Morrison. Wait a minute...

16. Chicago Bulls - James Johnson, Wake Forest

I just heard the term "tremendous upside" which means no one at ESPN knows anything about this guy.

17. Philadelphia '76ers - Jrue Holiday, UCLA

Despite the spelling, his first name is pronounced "Drew". I have a feeling he's going to be a tremendous jisapointment.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ty Lawson, North Carolina

Are you fucking kidding me? Their third point guard of the draft!!! Oh, they're trading the pick, so they aren't completely insane.

19. Atlanta Hawks - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest

Since he's going to Atlanta, I hope he likes complete fan indifference.

20. Utah Jazz - Eric Maynor, Virgina Commonwealth

I hope this kid doesn't let the crazed, non-stop nightlife of Salt Lake City destroy him. It happens to the best of 'em.

21. New Orleans Hornets - Darren Collison, UCLA

New Orleans has arguably the best point guard in the league, so they just wasted a first round pick on practice cannon fodder.

22. Portland Trail Blazers - Victor Claver, Spain

He won't leave Spain for two years, according to my TV. Great pick then.

23. Sacramento Kings - Omri Casspi, Israel

The Kings are owned by the Maloof brothers, who also own the Palms Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. As you might have guessed by now, I have never heard of Omri Casspi. Is he available to play in the NBA next year, or will he move to Spain to hang out with Victor Claver for the foreseeable future?

24. Dallas Mavericks - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State

He didn't start in college. Repeat, he didn't start for Ohio State last year. Another stellar pick.

"Hey, we were horrific underachievers last season. What can we do to make sure that never happens again?"

"Let's draft a slow clumsy oaf who will have to improve greatly just to suck."

"Solid idea."

25. Oklahoma City Thunder - Rodrique Beaubois, Guadeloupe

At this point they're just trying to piss me off. Dejuan Blair is still on the board! The guy who dominated the second overall pick TWICE last season hasn't been selected yet. He's available to play right away. He doesn't have Visa issues or fucking malaria! Someone pick Dejuan Blair for the love of god!!!

26. Chicago Bulls - Taj Gibson, Southern Cal

Maybe he'll stay in Los Angeles for a couple of years before heading to Chicago. Who knows at this point?

27. Memphis Grizzlies - DeMarre Carroll, Missouri

Who? His college coach is at home right now going "Really? DeMarre? Wow."

28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina

Another guard, but at least he's a shooting guard. Very underrated in my opinion.

29. Los Angeles Lakers - Toney Douglas, Florida State

The Lakers need a shooting guard in case that Kobe Bryant kid doesn't work out.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Christian Eyenga, Congo

Seriously, did Dejuan Blair rape an NBA general manager recently??? YET ANOTHER guy drafted who won't be ready for a few years. This is why the NBA is a steaming pile of shit.

Thank god the first round is over. I won't be covering the second round, so you'll miss hearing all about the kid from the North Pole who won't be ready for a decade or so, but has tremendous potential.