Sunday, February 13, 2011
The Grammy Crapfest
I guess I'll live blog the Grammys. I don't know why. I just saw a commercial for it and I don't like any of this crap.

-Aretha Franklin is great, but this tribute makes it look like we joined the show in progress.

-Will Christina get the words right? The first of many easy, half-assed remarks tonight.

-With every Martina McBride close up, I'm glad I'm the last person outside of the third world who doesn't own an HD TV.

-The "group melody of someone else's hits" is never not disappointing.

-The Beatles of Dull - Train - wins for a song that's in every commercial on TV. At least 'Cast of Glee' didn't win. Really? 'Cast of Glee' is considered a band these days?

-Lady Gaga just shocked the easily shockable. *yawn*

-Blake Shelton is engaged to Miranda Lambart. If that sentence means anything to you, at some point in your life you've had anonymous sex at a flea market.

-Ok, I was going to live blog this disaster, but it's hard to edit using an Ipod touch, so check back after the Grammys for a full (more or less) report.

-I thought Bruno Mars was Jered Leto's shitty band. No, really.

-Someone let me know if anything interesting happened between 9 and 9:30. I watched Family Guy.

-Muse wins instead of Neil Young or Pearl Jam, and this angers me because I'm old.

-David Letterman does a Grammy Top Ten, and this amuses me because I'm old.

-Ok, I like the Avett Brothers. Nothing really snarky about that, though. Come on, Grammys; bring me some of that sweet sweet crap so I can insult it.

-Bob Dylan doesn't sound that great, but I love the fact that he's confusing a bunch of Sugarland fans. "Who's this old guy? Why isn't he pissing on the legacy of country music like Sugarland does?"

-Does the state department have a necrophilia division? Because Lady Antebellum is raping Teddy Pendegrass's corpse on live television. Honestly, fuck Lady Antebellum in the ass with a Grammy whittled down to a sharp point.

And of course they win for Best "Country" Album. Holy shit. They aren't good enough to headline a country music revival show at a struggling amusement park. And Kings of Leon and Miley Cyrus gave them the award. The fact that the world didn't end with so much collective suck confined to such a small space makes me believe the Mayans were wrong about 2012.

Cee Lo Green's song "Fuck You" is pretty good, but this is network television so he has to perform it as "Forget You". Not as good that way, as it turns out.

-Katy Perry's boobs. That is all.

-Literally. That is all she has going for her.

-Wow, the years have really taken away Johnny Depp's chiseled features. Oh wait...that's Douchebag Emeritus John Meyer. Never mind.

-Every time Lady Antebellum wins an award, the soul of a baby descends into Hell.

-Rihanna performs with Eminem and Dr. Dre. Chris Brown is disappointed that the threat of violence against her is merely implied.

-Esperanza Spalding wins Best New Artist. Allow me to not be the first to ask "WHO?" At least that little haircunt Justin Bieber didn't win. Whenever he tries to act "street" an actual gang should be allowed to legally murder a member of his family.

-The Dead Musician Slide Show is always depressing yet educational. For instance, I didn't know until right now that the lead singer of The Knack died. And a little piece of my manufactured Gen X adolescence died with him.

-Is that Mick Jagger or a Mick Jagger muppet? So frighteningly lifelike.

-Barbara Streisand takes time off from her usual vocation - making long flowing gowns out of orphan flesh - to favor us with her awkward stage presence and unremarkable voice.

-That Black Eyed Peas guy wasn't imprisoned for his Super Bowl halftime performance? Fuck you, America!

-Eminem wins Best Rap Album. He didn't act like an ignorant punk and it kind of disappointed me. I was hoping he'd insult Taylor Swift or pick a fight with a sock puppet or something.

-I was going to write "Rihanna. I'd hit that." But that's too low even for this blog.

-I think Jennifer Lopez is married to the guy who waited on me Friday night at Havana Rumba. Good for him!

-Lady Antebellum wins again. Question of the night: If I had a time machine, would I go five years into the future when Lady Antebellum are forgotten has-beens or go back twenty-whatever years and make sure their respective parents never procreate? Decisions, decisions.

-I would like this awards show to end.

-Arcade Fire wins Album of the Year and Barbara Streisand obviously has no idea who they are. Which is better than Kris Kristofferson, who has no idea who they are, who he is, or where he left his half-gallon of cheap gin.

-PAINFUL. Good night.


Blogger Alison said...

Oh, goody. I look forward to the snark.

Blogger Vic said...

Thanks for capsulizing this shitfest. Glad I didn't watch.
However, I do wonder why everyone gets on the Bieber hate-wagon. He's just a kid, doing music for kids. I had The Monkees. My daughter had New Kids on the Block. Really, no harm no foul. I'm not his demographic.

Blogger kate said...

I thought that it was kind of funny that they had Mick Jagger come out and perform at the end of the "people who died" slide show. It's like "look at all of the people that couldn't outlive me!! Just think of all of the wonderful drugs that I've done!! Woo!!" The only way that it could've been more of a slap in the face would be if they had Keith Richards out there shuffling around and smoking a joint.

Blogger Dr. Monkey said...

You sir are my hero.

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