Monday, February 07, 2011
The Black Eyed Peas Make the Baby Jesus Poop His Diapers
I was still living in Vegas when I first wrote of my hatred of the Black Eyed Peas, but I never in my worst nightmares thought they'd shit the bed in such a spectacular fashion. That Super Bowl halftime was the worst thing I've ever seen, ever. As the Peas raped music like they were Ben Rothlesberger and music was a boozed up co-ed, a global audience watched in abject horror. Survivors of devistating earthquakes, despot-lead ethnic cleansings, and decades of unimaginable famine turned away in disgust. Haven't those people suffered enough? We had to drop the fucking Black Eyed Peas on their humble village and the one working TV they had gathered around?

Back in America, at the party I attended, there was a collective gasp from those in their thirties as Fergie ruined their precious teenage memories by throat-fucking Sweet Child O' Mine; complete with Slash and his obvious mounting debts on lead guitar.

Why is Fergie famous? She sounds like a goat being waterboarded. And honestly, if she was a stripper at a mid-level titty bar you might throw a few bucks at her stage, mostly out of pity; and later she'd sit at your table and weepily talk about losing custody of her children until you bought her a drink made with well gin. Then when it came down to getting a lap dance you'd pick someone younger with a meth addiction in its infancy.


5 Comments:

Blogger beatgrl said...

Yes, the really sucked, but as a musician I can tell that the fucked up sound mix made them sound MUCH worse than they really were.

This post is too funny bro!

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Hard to believe it may be, but there was a time when every Super Bowl halftime show wasn't some poorly mixed pop act surrounded by paid dancers.

Maybe for the next few years, they should try some other kind of show. Between American Glee Idol, YouTube and every SNL monologue since 2003, the airwaves are oversaturated with musical numbers. Time for something new.

Blogger Heather said...

Since when does it take a sound-mix board to make you a decent performer? It's because of those little gadgets that we don't have any decent artists anymore. They can make anyone sound good. In a studio...
Great post!

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Yeah, if they're going to have a group that's long past its prime, at least they could have had a group that was good when it was in its prime, like the Who last year.

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