This past weekend my friend had a birthday party. It was sort of epic, what with the keg of Stone Levitation Ale and a half gallon of 12-year-old Weller bourbon. I like 12-year-old bourbon the way R. Kelly likes 12-year-old girls, so I got fairly intoxicated. Not intoxicated enough that I don't remember one of the uninvited guests, Troy the Annoying Coke Dealer, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.
Troy is the result of what happens when a stupid, entitled little shit squanders his trust fund before he hits 30. He walked into a room where some of us were trying to watch a DVD and within minutes cleared the fucking place.
"Hey, I'm not gonna be here long," he began, immediately getting our hopes up. "I'm going to go out later and make some money."
I held my tongue regarding the ways I thought this twerp could make money. Snatching purses from the handicapped? Selling his ass and/or mouth at the Greyhound station? Dealing drugs?
It was drugs.
"I got something for sale if any of you are interested."
No, asshole. We're alcoholics here, maybe a couple of potheads. None of us want your "cocaine" that's probably cut with rat poison.
He continued: "Man, this stuff is...(long pause while he thought of a way to describe his contraband)...like God was fucking someone, then he pulls out and you snort what comes off his dick."
Yeah, THAT'S WHAT HE CAME UP WITH! I'm sorry if anyone is disgusted or offended, but that's what the fucker said. I'm only the reporter. And he was very proud of his descriptive prowess. He repeated it over and over until the room was empty. The last thing I heard him say before I walked out was "That's how I'm going to sell this shit at the bar."
Yeah, good luck with that.
But that wasn't the last we heard of him. A girl came by to pick him up, and she looked like Billy Idol with tits. In keeping with the eighties theme, she had war paint on her face like the lead singer of Scandal in the "Warrior" video.
Troy the Annoying Coke Dealer was clearly smitten. "She used to be a stripper," he told a group of us who obviously didn't care. "She'll probably take her clothes off if you ask her."
For the record, none of us wanted to see her naked. I shudder to think of the establishment that employed her as a nude dancer.
Other than that, I had a great time.