Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Lindsay Lohan, pictured here looking crazy, was sentenced to 90 days in jail yesterday. Why? For violating her probation on a million separate occasions, that's why.

You see, if Lindsay wasn't a "celebrity" and her many, many trials weren't in Los Angeles, she would have spent time in jail years ago. Maybe she would have gotten her shit together and still have a career. 

But none of that happened, so Lindsay continued to drive drunk, shoplift and miss court appointments like it was her job. I take that back...she was much more committed to a hazy life of intoxicated motor vehicle operation and petty theft than any acting job that paid her a small fortune. Now she can't get work because she is moody, unreliable and addicted to booze and every drug known to man.

For those of you keeping score at home, this post begins Phase Four of its Lindsay Lohan Progression. Here's a quick review of the phases thus far:

Phase One - Lindsay peaked personally and professionally in 2004. Since this blog debuted in 2005, early Lohanian posts noted that while her Mean Girls costars were still curvy and hot, Lindsay looked like a contestant on Extreme Makeover: Concentration Camp Survivor Edition.

Phase Two - This is also known as "the compassion phase" by people with far too much time on their hands. Lindsay had sunk so low that I declared her off limits from my vicious, unfair ridicule. This self-imposed ban actually lasted a few years.

Phase Three - After watching Lindsay continually break the law and get away with it because Los Angeles judges are moronic starfuckers, I decided to start making fun of her again. It felt good, I'll admit.

Phase Four - We are now in "the schadenfreude phase" 'cause they're finally putting the bitch on ice. I have a feeling Lindsay's next role will be "guard's favorite". 

What will Phase Five be? Will it be self-righteous indignation when Lindsay only serves one hour of her 90-day sentence? Will it be insincere remorse when  her ashy corpse is recovered from a Hollywood gutter? Stay tuned to find out.


Blogger Dr. MVM said...

I'd like to punch that bitch right in the pussy.

Blogger Sysm said...

987! attaboy.

Blogger Vic said...

Lindsey Lohan has a career? Wow! All the media can say about her career is "star of Mean Girls"! I mean jeez! You're right though, Phase Five will NOT include "This irrelevant moron finally got her shit together after a long struggle"!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Sysm comments here, but not on my blog. There's something wrong with that.

Blogger Sara said...

Did she see her freaking out when the judge was declaring her sentence? It was probably one of the best moments of my life.

Wait, is that pathetic?

Blogger e-rizzle said...

Wow! You still blog! Sweet!

And who gives a shit about that stank ass orange ho?!

Blogger Heather said...

I admit, I laughed my ass off when the judge laid out her sentence...
Later, after it was revealed that she had "fuck you" on her middle finger nail, I wished that the judge would have seen it before hand and called the entitled little bitch out. Right in front of God and everyone.
Sadly that didn't happen.

This and the LeBron post are the very heart and soul of why I love you.

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