Monday, June 07, 2010
Hey Right-to-Lifers, MTV just broadcast an abortion!
I decided to watch The MTV Movie Awards in part because they're being hosted by "Indian Matt", and that's about as close as I'm ever going to get to having a friend on national television.

Wow, what a fucking stupid reason to watch this steaming pile of demon afterbirth.

Aziz Ansari's opening monologue was pretty good, mainly because he made fun of Twilight. He wasn't in it much after that, and good for him, because it may have been the worst thing ever televised. Saddam Hussein's hanging was a better production.

-Justin Bieber's popularity means only one thing: Twelve-year-old girls are given too much freedom in today's society. Can we imprison them until their tastes in music improve? Until then, their tiny hands can make our sneakers and hoodies as part of my "Buy American" program. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

-Why is David Spade and his smarm allowed on my television screen? Shut up and rape Chris Farley's corpse some more, you talentless gnome. 

-One day in the distant future an old man will be watching an awards show with his grandson and a young actress will accept a statue with beauty and grace. The old man will sneer and say, "In my day the actresses were twitchy and uncomfortable in their own skin, like Kristen Stewart!" 

Kristen wins for Best Female Performance, by the way.

-From now on I'll be referring to the trio of Jonah Hill, Russell Brand, and Sean P. Diddy Combs as "Fat Douche", "Foreign Douche", and "King Douche". You thought I was going to call P. Diddy "Black Douche" didn't you? Don't be silly...Jamie Foxx is "Black Douche".

-Breakthrough Performance goes to Anna Kendrick. I don't know who she is, but she's hot. King Douche agrees, as he tries to grope her on stage. 

-At various points during the show there are some really unfunny skits that I'm not going to try to explain. They are all equally terrible and represent a tragic waste of the human spirit.

-Amanda Seyfried looks really good winning something.

-At first I thought Best Kiss went to Twilight's Robert Pattinson making out with a dude, but it turns out he's kissing Kristen Stewart's twitchy, anorexic face. When they accept the award, they have zero chemistry together despite the fact that they date in real life. How is that even possible?

-Katy Perry isn't much of a singer, but in her defense she has really impressive breasts. She warbles a song about California (how original) and then Snoop Dogg comes out to put another several thousand miles between himself and street cred.

Seriously, I like Snoop, but will he rap with anyone about anything? Snoop would rap the Koran at Bin Laden's cave if enough money was involved. What the fuck happened to the old gangsta rappers? Dr. Dre does a Dr. Pepper commercial. Ice Cube is starring in PG movies and has a show on TBS. He's like a less gay Tyler Perry. 

-Bradley Cooper, Betty White, and Scarlett Johansson present an honorary "Sorry Your Nazi Fetishist Husband Stuck It In Everything With a Pulse" lifetime achievement award to Sandra Bullock. Sandra announces that, contrary to tabloid rumors, she has not gone weeks without bathing; and in fact takes two showers a day. And yet the smell of white supremacist cock remains...

-Michael Cera, two cute but possibly underage chicks, and Macauly Culkin's little brother present Best WTF Moment to Ken Jeong, the little naked Asian guy from Hangover. This will be the only award I approve of the entire evening.

-Only on MTV can someone from a Harry Potter movie beat the Nazi from Inglourious Basterds for Best Villain. Anyway, his name is Tom Felton and when he kisses presenter Eva Mendes SHE VISIBLY WINCES. Nice move, Dungeon Master.

-Throughout the program, MTV keeps showing promos for a new show about a nerdy kid with a gigantic dick. Yes, you read that correctly. I think the show's called My Super Sweet Sixteen Inches, or maybe not.

-I'll bet you're wondering who won Biggest Badass Star, aren't you? A guy named Rain. No really, that's his full name. Rain. He's an Asian kid with an emo haircut and one fucking name. According to Wikipedia (the lazy writer's reference Bible), Rain is a singer, actor, and dancer. Pussified America, you have your Badass.

-Hey, Twilight wins something else. Let me just cut to the chase and tell you right now that Twilight wins everything. I've never seen any of those wretched movies but allow me to summarize based on clips I've seen: Bella, played by Kristen Stewart in all of her twitchy, awkward, anorexic glory, must choose between a sickeningly pale guy who becomes a vampire and a douchey Abercrombie guy who becomes a werewolf. And those are her only two options. She can't date a normal human boy because of her smelly vagina, it seems.

Is it wrong to suggest that we turn all of the theaters showing Twilight into makeshift gas chambers? Hey, I don't want any Holocaust flashbacks, so if you want to just shoot them all, I'm cool with that too.

-Jessica Alba, thank you for being you.

-Christina Aguilera performs and once the song is over, her vag lights up. A heart shaped light starts glowing right on her crotch. I'm guessing it's a VD Detector. 

-Zack Galifianakis wins Best Comedic Performance, but the entire thing is ruined by yet another terrible skit. If you're going to win an award called Best Comedic Performance it would help if you weren't in a skit that's not very funny.

-This blog, which started out in 2005 as Viva Las Vegass, has been a miserable and complete failure. Every inane word has been written in vain. Why do I say this? BECAUSE TOM CRUISE IS STILL A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STAR!!! Doesn't the world know that every penny given to this clown goes to indoctrinate the weak-minded into his science fiction religion? I give up.


I flipped past this crap long enough to hear that Twilight chick say her movies were 'awesome.' Someone should explain to her what that word means.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I don't know why you aren't writing for a major newspaper. Maybe you could take over for Helen Thomas.

Blogger foundinidaho said...

Other than the fact I like Katy Perry (she at least has an attitude) I'm sure I would have agreed with your assessments had I bothered to watch. I know I agree with you on Tom Cruise. I haven't watched a movie of his in about 7 years. If I ever see him, I'm going to punch him. That will be for suffering through 20 minutes of Eyes Wide Shut before I turned it off. Dear Lord, the horror.

Blogger Sara said...

I was just embarassed through the entire fucking thing. You know it's bad when you're actually embarassed for these "movie stars" thinking they are funny.

And could someone please tell these 13 year olds girls to find something else to do besides vote for this shit? If I have to see Kristin Fucking Stewart awkwardly accept one more award, I'm going to kill myself.

Blogger DrGoat said...

I could only take about 3 minutes. The best villain award with Ferrel and Walberg hanging there. Complete crap. I couldn't take any more. Circling the drain faster now.

Blogger Ms Smack said...

Your writing is so fantastic.

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