I go "FJM" on Ted Nugent (and Sarah Palin)

There used to be a website called Fire Joe Morgan. Their shtick was to take a sports-related newspaper column or TV rant and tear it apart, sometimes sentence by sentence.

This month in Time magazine, guitar legend Ted Nugent took time out from shooting animals with arrows to write a short essay on Sarah Palin. It's a piece of work.

If Sarah Palin played a loud, grinding instrument, she would be in my band.

I submit that Sarah's voice is a "loud, grinding instrument" that would shame any electric guitar. And Ted Nugent still has a band? Was there a Damn Yankees reunion I was unaware of?

The independent patriotic spirit, attitude and soul of our forefathers are alive and well in Sarah.

I always thought to myself, "If Thomas Jefferson was alive today he'd be shooting moose from a helicopter."

In the way she lives, what she says and how she dedicates herself to make America better in these interesting times, she represents the good, while exposing the bad and ugly.

By "exposing the bad and ugly" I guess Ted is talking about the slime who hold up racist signs at Tea Party Rallies. They wouldn't be exposed without their hero, Sarah. I can't for the life of me figure out how she "represents the good", but she did help Tina Fey's career, and Tina is pretty cool.

She embraces the critical duty of we the people by participating in this glorious experiment in self-government.

I don't know what this sentence means. There is no "self-government". We all use government roads, government schools, government emergency services, etc. When I buy a copy of Time magazine just so I can wipe my ass with Ted's moronic article, I'll be thanking the local government and its sewers when I flush it down the toilet.

The tsunami of support proves that Sarah represents what many Americans know to be common and sensible.

I think it proves the American lust for the lowest common denominator. People of the Tea Party, Sarah Palin is not one of you. Just because she shares your mind-numbing distrust of intellectualism doesn't mean she's going to use her millions of dollars to help you pay the mortgage.

Her rugged individualism, self-reliance and a herculean work ethic resonate now more than ever in a country spinning away from these basics that made the U.S.A. the last best place.

Herculean work ethic? Sarah Palin quit her job as Alaskan governor so she could write a "book" and suck at the reality TV teet. I can't think of anyone who works as little for so much money. Even Paris Hilton throws us a sex tape every few months.

We who are driven to be assets to our families, communities and our beloved country connect with the principles that Sarah Palin embodies.

No, we don't. Despite what Fox News or Rush Limbaugh might tell you, Sarah Palin is a fringe figurehead for a fringe movement.

We know that bureaucrats and, even more, Fedzilla, are not the solution; they are the problem.

Hey, we agree on something. Since Sarah Palin is your solution, I'm afraid that's where we part company.

I'd be proud to share a moose-barbecue campfire with the Palin family anytime, so long as I can shoot the moose.

Ha, good one, Ted. You could write for Leno with those zingers.