The other day the group Revolution Islam issued thinly veiled death threats against South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. How thinly veiled were these threats? You wish a condom was this fucking thin. That's how thin.
Funny enough, the group is based out of New York City. You may have heard of the town: Largest city in the United States, site of the deadliest terrorist attack in our nation's history, etc. These guys get to enjoy the fruits of NYC while praising the people who tried to destroy it; and you know what? That's free speech, as much as it may piss us off. But death threats meant to censor through intimidation the men who invented Eric Cartman? Fuck that shit. I decided to send a member of the vaunted Death Wore a Feathered Mullet news team to the Revolution Islam offices. He recorded the following conversation:
"Have you tried the new Dark Cherry Mocha at Starbucks? Very tasty. Death to America."
"Yes, it was quite delicious despite being assembled by an infidel."
"I am going to the strip club tonight. The tall blonde daughter of Satan is performing."
"I can only think of what a godless pig she is as she thrusts her taut breasts in my face."
"She will not be one of the 72 virgins who pleasures us in the afterlife, that's for sure."
"Ha ha. Good one. Enough small talk, though. We need a scapegoat for our irrational hatred."
"I was watching South Park last night. They mocked Mohammad."
"No they didn't!"
"Yes they did."
"Well...since we're based in NYC we can't openly threaten the lives of the creators. What can we do?"
"We can post a picture of the corpse of someone killed by Islamic extremists and suggest that the same thing could happen to them if they don't play ball."
"Brilliant idea. Let's order a pizza and celebrate."
"At least if we get a pizza we'll know it was not made by Jews."
"Hey guys, good news! Our jhad snuggies were just delivered."
NOTE: Hi, my name's Dane Cook and I guest-blogged on this post; so if any Muslim extremists are mad about this, I'm the guy you need to kill and cut up into tiny pieces.