Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Retail lies
The biggest lie of retail is, of course, "The customer is always right." That saying, regardless of who it is falsely attributed to, was almost certainly uttered by (A) a customer; or (B) some rich suit who never had to deal with the general public. I can assure you that the customer is frequently wrong and is getting "wronger" every day.

If you want to reinforce your belief that society is getting dumber, crueler, less patient, and just completely insufferable, ask someone who has to wait on the public. They'll tell you that the public can get ass-fucked with a broomstick. People want diamonds but they only want to pay for coal. And you'd best get it to them yesterday, with a big ol' smile plastered on your face.

I want to own my own business so I can tell assholes that they are, in fact, assholes. The other day I took this neck brace-wearing douchebag to our well-marked selection of South African wines. Did the man say, "Well, thank you for allowing me to go through life never reading signs"? No. He scanned the wines for a second and proclaimed, "This is it? This is a rather incomplete selection of South African wines. In fact, it's pathetic."

FUCK. YOU. Buy your own liquor store, you snotty prick. When I offered to summon our wine manager for him to belittle, he sneered, "I know more about South African wines than he does."

"Oh, I don't doubt that," I said as I took my absence of his annoying presence. And by "Oh, I don't doubt that" I meant "Someone put you in that neck brace for being a piece of shit, didn't they? I hope it spreads to your brain, dickhead. And your wife looks like Ernest Borgnine."

Another closely related big lie of retail is this: In this recession, you need to kiss every customer's ass. They are all valuable.

Wrong. Some customers are more trouble than they're worth, especially in the liquor business. Twenty-five-year-old dudes want to bring their Hanna Montanaesque teenage fuck-buddies to a liquor store and then throw a fit when asked for her I.D. These people are worthless and should be drowned in the river on local television.

In most cases, service is overrated. It's all about price-point and convenience, with product a distant third. Don't believe me? Look at Wal-Mart. Have you ever asked one of their glassy-eyed employees for help? You might as well try to get a decent South African wine where I work!!! It ain't happenin'.

In short, go fuck yourself, America.


Blogger Scott said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger kate said...

I work customer service in a low-income area's doctor's office. Try watching a parade of toothless, meth-abusing, dirty, smelly pricks come marching through to treat you like you're the scum of the earth on a daily basis because you won't load them up with an extra narcotic's prescription for the month. I fucking hate people.

Blogger SkitzoLeezra said...

Dude, every freakin' word you wrote is the dead-on truth. People suck and when you do finally get a good customer (normal), you want to hug them.
My retail experience included no returns of a particular item. No exceptions. Stamped on the receipt. Orally reviewed upon payment. Here comes a "customer" who has learned that by raising their voice and making a fuss, they will probably prevail. I take all the abuse and when they finally ask to speak to the regional manager, guess who caved in 2 seconds? Yep, you win.
I no longer adhered to the "no return" policy if the customer was gonna get what they wanted anyway so refund cheerfully processed as I cursed their children and their children's children under my breath. Maybe that's why there are so many idiots out there . . their relatives were cursed by shopkeepers like us, back in the day.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

The last I was on phone with an AT&T service guy (in India, natch), he interrupted himself and sais, "I am so lucky to have you today. You are so nice. Most people are impatient and angry." It was all I could do not to apologize for my entire country.

Blogger Laura said...

I am sorry people suck. I worked retail and customer service for years and I feel your pain. If you have never worked with the public, you don't know just how scary stupid most people are- many just plain mean. If it means anything, I try to be extra nice. Been there!

You people are all loathsome.

That gentleman showed restraint in his dealings with you. Clearly, you haven't been properly trained in how to treat your betters.

This is why I send my valet to procure my imbibables. With specific instructions, of course.

Client: Why haven't you sent me my document?

SFL: Because you haven't paid me.

Client: You know, I DID intend to use you for other legal work, but now I don't know. I think you should cut me a deal.

SFL: I did. I quoted you a price; you agreed to pay it. And with all due respect*, why would I want to do MORE work for you if you haven't paid me for the work I have already done?

*this means I am about to tell you to fuck off as politely as possible.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

"if you don't do this work for free, I won't ask you to do more free work for me!"

That happens all the time in the advertising/pr world too.

Blogger Heather said...

There is just no better way to say it, "People Suck!"

Blogger Lydia La La said...

Every where I go I get great help from shop assistants.
because I AM nice and polite and respectful and happy with them. They have a very hard day to put in to make a dollar so why not be nice.

My sister on the other hand wonders why she always gets a hard time shopping.
She is one nasty lady. Does not even return a greeting..

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