Note: This photo of Jay is too big to display in this format, but for some reason I like the picture better this way.
Jay Leno is back to resume his reign as the king of mediocrity, and his easily amused minions are
all aflutter at the news. Lets glance in at Joyce and Daniel Farber, residents of Montgomery, Ohio and Leno fans for as long as they can remember.
Daniel: "Honey, hurry up and get in here. (opens can of Bud Light) Leno's back on The Tonight Show, where he belongs."
Joyce: "Oh thank god in heaven. I like my comedy completely void of edge, attitude, or originality."
Daniel: "That's why I married you."
Joyce: "Well, that and I tolerate your tiny penis."
Daniel: "Damn right you do! (sobs inside, changes subject) Frank at work prefers Letterman. I tried to tell him that Letterman raped Sarah Palin's daughter, but he said something about me being...what were his exact words...'an ill-informed simpleton', I believe."
Joyce: (not paying attention to him) "This monologue is HILARIOUS. Ha...good one, Jay."
Daniel: "Yes, apparently the food at the NBC commissary is sub par. Fun-nee."
Joyce: "So much better than that weird Colon O'Bobbins or whatever his name is."
Daniel: "I think he went by Coco O'Doul. And quite frankly, the man disturbed me. Very shrill and unpleasant fellow."
Joyce: "I hope Jay goes out on the street to make fun of people who are even dumber than me. Without the constant assurance that I'm not the stupidest form of life on this planet, I'd have killed myself years ago."
Several minutes pass. The Farbers laugh at Jay's verbal pap, then Joyce's prayers are answered: Jay asks people questions! And they give the wrong answers!
Daniel: "Hard to believe a cocktail server in Los Angeles has such a limited grasp of current events. Don't they teach those people anything?"
Joyce: "Probably on drugs. (drinks fifth vodka martini since supper) Who's the first guest tonight?"
Daniel: (checks local listings) "Oooh...Larry the Cable Guy. He is highly amusing."
Joyce: "I hear everyone from the South is just like him."
Daniel: "Only not as funny. Otherwise, 100 percent accurate portrayal. The man did his homework."
Larry does the same act he's done for well over a decade, much to the delight of the Farbers.
Joyce: "His casual racism gets me wet."
Daniel: (ignoring the comment) "Let's eat at Olive Garden tomorrow night."
Joyce: "Great idea. If there's one thing I like better than by-the-numbers comedy, it's an Americanized bastardization of world cuisine."
Daniel: "And don't forget the endless breadsticks. Why go to a small independent restaurant and pay for a finite number of tasty breadsticks when Olive Garden lets you eat dry, tasteless lumps of dough until you almost explode? I swear, their mediocrity validates my very existence."
Joyce: "More good news! The musical guest is Lady Antebellum."
Daniel: "I really like Lady Antebellum, but I can't put my finger on why...."
Joyce: "Because they sing mindless, disposable pop songs with just enough of a twang to make you feel condescendingly rustic? That's why I like them."
Daniel: "That's part of it, but I also love the way their proud lack of authenticity shits on decades of country music tradition. I have a feeling that for every note Lady Antebellum plays, Hank Williams has to spend another Millenium in purgatory; and you just don't get that commitment from artists these days."
Joyce: "I agree. It seems they would do anything to entertain people who secretly hate music."
Daniel: "Jay just told Larry to 'Git er done'. Ha...good one, Jay."
Joyce: "Yeah, it's funny because that's Larry's catchphrase, but Jay used it."
Unfortunately, this story has a sad ending: The Farbers went to bed and lived through the night.