Notes from the Golden Globe Awards

-I miss the opening because the football game on the other channel ran long. Blogging about the fucking Golden Globes is gay enough; I'm not about to miss the end of a close game.

-Ricky Gervais is the host. I wasn't even going to bother watching/blogging this, but Ricky Gervais is the shit. If you don't agree, you're probably glad Jay Leno got The Tonight Show back.

-Speaking of Jay Leno, all of the auditoriums in Los Angeles were booked tonight, so the show is being held inside Leno's massive head. It came down to that or his soul, and his soul is so empty the sound guys were having trouble with echo.

-Ricky is telling dick jokes on prime time. Does it get any better?

-Nicole Kidman's dress makes her pale ass look nude.

-The Modern Family lady calls Edie Falco "Eddie Falco". Toni Collete wins, and says "balls" in the testicular rather than spherical sense.

-Hey, a crowd shot of Robert Deniro looking disinterested.

-For some reason a really hot young chick is introduced, and some old guy in the crowd is caught kind of creepily ogling her. I get caught kind of creepily ogling young women all the time, so I know it when I see it.

-Paul McCartney plugs a Beatles reissue, because he doesn't have enough money.

-I was going to watch Up on dvd, but the director just bored me half to death with his acceptance speech, so fuck it now. That's how I roll.

-What is Nine? I need to see more movies. Or not.

-This show is being watched by half a billion people worldwide. I know this because Felicity Huffman just told me. My response: THEN DO BETTER!!!

-The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press reminds me of an English, slightly retarded Art Garfunkel. As a side note, I like to reference Art Garfunkel whenever possible.

-I'd watch Dexter, but I don't have Showtime. No joke here, sorry.

-People watch The Good Wife? I refuse to believe that.

-The voice-over announcer just said "Everyone is wondering if Avatar will win Best Drama." Really? Because of all the things I was just wondering, that was dead last.

-A Harrison Ford appearance. "Get off my mediocre awards show!!!" Remember that shit-stain movie Regarding Henry, when Harrison plays a heartless yuppie who gets shot in the head and becomes a slurry-witted nice guy? Judging from his speech pattern tonight, they're doing a sequel and he showed up "in character".

-A guy from the last row just won something. It took him fifteen minutes to get to the stage. And then he kinda weirded everyone out. It would probably help you the reader if I identified these people, but I really have no fucking idea.

-Up wins something else. Apparently, everyone involved in the production of this film is a complete dork.

-There's going to be a Wall Street sequel? If it isn't called Wall Street 2: Electric Boogaloo I'll be very disappointed.

-Producers shouldn't be allowed to give speeches. NOBODY cares about you. And the music playing in the background means "Shut your cakehole and get off the stage so we can bring up an actual celebrity."

-Ricky Gervais insults Colin Farrell and Colin decides to wait until later to attack him with a whiskey bottle. See, people really can change!

-Meryl Streep is here? Does she owe back taxes or something? Good speech. She should give every speech for the rest of the evening.

-I'd bang Helen Mirren. I know she's really old and she's talking about Precious, the most depressing film of all time, but I'd hit that.

-Jesus, watching Drew Barrymore give a speech is like watching a meth addict on a unicycle. That's ok, it's not like she's been a celebrity since birth or anything.

-The camera crew for this show has to be a group of slightly trained spider monkeys. One of them just flung poo at Gerard Butler.

-Directors are as dull as producers, with the added bonus of being insufferably egotistic. Yay!

-Alec Baldwin wins but is at a "previously scheduled charity event." In other words, Alec Baldwin showed up drunk and/or he's plowing a cocktail waitress.

-This is really three hours long? Come on, really?

-Samuel L. Jackson! His gift bag is the one that says "Bad Motherfucker". And hey, I've actually seen Inglourius Basterds. If it wins something, I'll nod almost imperceptibly in agreement.

-Director + Foreign = Getting Played Off By The Band. You can take that to the bank.

-Mad Men wins Best Drama. I watch that! I know the characters and everything! Christina Hendricks and her ample cleavage are on stage right now! Why do I have the feeling this will be the highlight of the show for me?

-Chloe Sevigny wins for Big Love, yet another show I watch. And....she's annoying. Shit.

-Have you seen Monster's Ball, where Billy Bob Thornton plays a racist who ends up fucking Halle Berry? Yeah, because EVERY straight dude alive wants to fuck Halle Berry. Can't we use this to bring us all together? Halle Berry is on screen now, by the way. It's not like I'm just sitting here randomly thinking about bigots and Halle Berry. Jeez, give me a little credit.

-Speaking of sex, Robert Deniro is talking about Martin Scorsese sticking his dick in a film cannister. At least he no longer seems disinterested.

-Jodie Foster is going to be in a film called The Beaver. The jokes are writing themselves!

-Mel Gibson, huh? I guess we're all supposed to forget that he's a Jew hater? That did happen, right? He did blame Jews for "all of the evil in the world," right? I thought so.

-The creator of Glee is gay? Color me surprised.

-Mike Tyson is with the cast of The Hangover. I always think he's going to murder someone, no matter where I see him.

-Governor Arnold just made a "California is bankrupt" joke. The Jay Leno of politics, ladies and gentlemen!

-Sandra Bullock seems visibly afraid of Mickey Rourke. Seriously, Mickey looks like something from Genesis' "Land of Confusion" video.

-Great, funny speech by Robert Downey, Jr. I have to say at least one positive thing, right?

-Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor/Drama. I'm glad he won 'cause he's The Dude, but I have no idea what he won for. Jeff is awesome. He just thanked his stand-in. The guy who stands in his place on set? That guy just got thanked.

-This show is kind of dreadful, but not dreadful enough to be entertaining.

-Even Julia Roberts is ready to put this out of our misery. Avatar wins Best Drama, so America's wondering can now end.

-Is a headless guy on a horse going to throw a flaming pumpkin at James Cameron? 'Cause he has a heavy Ichabod Crane vibe going these days. He also seems like a dick.

-Ricky Gervais had some funny lines and good digs at celebrities, but it was a lost cause. Nobody could have saved this televised colostomy.