Sunday, November 29, 2009
What's the real story, Tiger?

I've never understood why Tiger Woods is such a big deal. He's good at golf. Golf. Not a sport, not a sport, a hobby. Golf. He's almost a billionaire because he's good at a hobby. Why not bestow near-billionaire status on someone who's really good at collecting stamps or excellent at solving crossword puzzles? Can I get hundreds of millions of dollars for drinking beer while watching NFL football? It's kind of a hobby of mine, after all...

Also, Charles Barkley, who is Tiger's friend, says that Tiger doesn't tip when they go out. Really? You've been handed a billion dollars for excelling at what normal people do to kill time after they retire from real work, and you can't give a few of those dollars to those who actually have a job? Fuck you.

However, this past week I was watching television and a breaking report said that Tiger was in "serious condition" after a car wreck near his house. I really felt bad. Honestly, I did. Just because a guy has a shitload of totally undeserved money and stiffs waitstaff, that doesn't mean I want him to die in a car crash.

Thankfully, he was never in serious condition. The official, Nike-approved story said that he was leaving his house in the middle of the night and ran his car into a fire hydrant and a tree. His loving wife ran outside, conveniently carrying one of his golf clubs, and smashed out the vehicle's back window to free him from a moderately damaged "death trap".

Internet news sites that don't suck at Nike's corporate teet are calling bullshit on that story. To them, it seems like a strange coincidence that this "accident" happened a day after adultery allegations surfaced.

I'm no reporter, nor do I play one on the internet, but it seems a lot more plausible that Tiger was leaving the house at that hour to get away from his wife, who was trying to smash his fucking head in. When he hopped in his car, she smashed the window out instead, causing him to drive erratically and crash.

Of course, if this blog is being read by a Tiger Woods/Nike attorney, this is pure speculation on my part and common sense is not admissible in a court of law. And I'm sure he's refusing to cooperate with police because he hates the spotlight so much. He's a real shrinking violet, that Tiger Woods.

So, special report that falsely claimed Tiger Woods was near death, thanks a lot for making me feel guilty for not liking this douchebag.


5 Comments:

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I didn't like him from the start, from his first pro tourney when he announced he was "surprised at the level of competition."

What an arrogant little prick.

And he didn't go to his own kid's christening.

The tipping thing added to my distaste.

Now, he's a lying, cheating bastard? I wish I was his neighbor so I could hold him down while his wife pummeled him good. Jerk.

Blogger Terry said...

Now he's not cooperating with the police, who only requested he "voluntarily" come see them to talk about the whole thing, and he's being cagey on his own web site. Seems to me like he only wants the worship part of being a public figure and can't take the down-side...

Blogger Marv said...

Crazy ass white bitches is what's wrong. He was a dumbass for ever getting hitched.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Tiger Woods always got on my nerves for being terminally inoffensive. Most pro athletes don't take a stand, granted, but Tiger has taken it to new heights. It's like he doesn't want us to know he has a real life or emotion off the course or the billboard.

Blogger Marv said...

So Tiger just posted a ridiculous statement on his site about how sorry he is for his "transgressions." Then he demands privacy and talks about his principles. Yeah, the guy who finally admits to fucking around on his wife and children has principles all of a sudden. How convenient for him. Just another bloated ego who can't just say he's sorry without dressing it up to make himself look noble. Fuck off, Tiger.

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