Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Aneurysm Fuel
Comedian Lewis Black has a theory as to why people have aneurysms. According to him, a person will hear something so stupid and confusing it will just sit in the brain until it explodes.

Years ago, he was at an International House of Pancakes when he overheard the sentence, "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

That still remains the sentence to beat, despite a few contenders to which I've been exposed.

Years ago when I worked at Organized Living, a man who looked and talked like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons asked me "Do you have a container to house my rather large collection of sombreros?"

If you have more than one sombrero and aren't in a mariachi band, your head needs to be on a spike, on display in a public square so it can be mocked and desecrated by drunken town folk.

More recently, I was at a local record store when I overheard a man ask an employee, "Do you have any circus music?"

"DO YOU HAVE ANY CIRCUS MUSIC?" It bounced around my skull like a pinball (Kids, pinballs used to be in things called pinball machines, which used to be in places called arcades. Look it up).

Why oh why did this grown man need circus music? Does he plan on raping a clown? Who knows what perversions brought him to such a lowly state.

Still, neither of those inquiries can hold a candle to Lewis Black's "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." The randomness of it is just priceless. It's dumb to ask for a sombrero container, but at least Organized Living was a store that sold containers. And at least that guy didn't ask for circus music at a taxidermy.

P.S. - I just remembered another one. I was at a mall one holiday season and a woman walked by practically screaming into her cell phone, as people are wont to do, and I overheard "So I told Reverend Johnson to quit running his cock-biters."

She told her minister to stop "running his cock-biters." In all fairness to her, maybe his cock-biters were running amok.


7 Comments:

Dude, without you I'd hardly ever have a genuine laugh.

I remember that lady screaming for that guy to "stop running his cock biters." It was at the Mall St. Matthews. I also remember the time you almost killed a primordial dwarf lady near the food court, but that' another story.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

My new favorite is a quote from one of the genius football announcers the other day. When the kick off returner ran it back a good 40 yards or so before getting brought down, the announcer proclaimed, "He was just one tackle away from going all the way!"

Thank you Captain Obvious, feel free to use that line for every play of every football game for the rest of time.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

"He was just one tackle away from going all the way!"

I'd like to think this describes circus boy's sex life.

Blogger Tracy said...

"Do you have a container to house my rather large collection of sombreros"

worst. hobby. everrrr.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Well? DID you have a sombrero container?

Blogger Amy said...

Somewhat unrelated - but your reference to IHOP reminded me.... We have one here located on Cox Road (Cincinnati). My friend and her husband walked in to be greeted with a very loud, "Welcome to IHOP on Cox". They were still laughing when they left.

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