I go "FJM" on Bill O'Reilly

I really enjoyed the last FJM-inspired post, so I'm going to do it again.

There used to be a website called Fire Joe Morgan. Their shtick was to take a sports-related newspaper column or TV rant and tear it apart, sometimes sentence by sentence.

Today I'm going all "FJM" on Bill O'Reilly. He recently wrote a suck-ass column about the 13th birthday of Fox News.

Big birthday this week—Fox News Channel is 13 years old.

That means only five years until it's old enough to receive a sexual harassment call from you, Bill.

I was there on October 7, 1996, when the channel was launched.

"I made an intern commit suicide that day. The little pussy."

Back then, if the Factor received 50 emails a day, we were happy. Now we average about 2,000 electronic letters daily.

Natural Male Enhancement spam doesn't count, sir.

FNC is perhaps the biggest media success since the broadcast networks themselves were formed in the 1950s.

Don't be so modest, Bill. Obviously, FNC makes the polio vaccine look like that fuckin' restless leg syndrome pill.

Fox News is a billion-dollar enterprise that dominates cable news ratings and is consistently in the top five among all cable programs.

In other news, Olive Garden is a successful Italian restaurant chain and a lot of people drink Bud Light. Hooooooray, shit!

There is no question that FNC leans to the right because it gives conservative voices a prominent place on the air.

Wait, Fox News leans to the right? So their "Fair and Balanced" motto is disingenuous? Fuck me.

No other TV news operation does this. So, logically, conservative Americans tune in for long periods of time.

"...tune in for long periods of time" means "...fall asleep in front of the TV" doesn't it?

Also, Fox News is not boring!

Bill and I have distinctly different standards regarding what isn't boring. And just because you use an exclamation point when saying that something boring isn't boring, that doesn't make it any less boring.

Like us or not, we move things along.

That's easy when you only give one side of the story. "Sorry, (insert name of token liberal here), we're out of time. Sean, why do you think Obama is a terrorist?"

We have lively people on the air.

There are a lot of attractive females on Fox News; I'll give him that. But then they open their mouths...

We take chances and do things differently.

You mean like when Sean Hannity interviewed a disgraced lawyer and avowed anti-Semite who claimed to have "proof" that Barack Obama was a terrorist, but identified the man only as "Author and Journalist"? That was doing things differently, all right.

Many news programs simply recite the days events.

Imagine that. Nothing but information? "Shit, that's too much like reading! We Amurkhuns demand fire-breathing, tit-jiggling infotaincation or we ain't payin' it no mind! My grandfather didn't storm the beach at Normandy so you could force me to know stuff."

Thus, on any given day, you can see scathing personal attacks on FNC anchors. I mean, think about it... why the rage? Nobody is forced to watch Fox News.

Nobody is forced to listen to hip hop, but that never stopped Bill O'Reilly from aiming scathing personal attacks at rappers. People talk shit about things they hate, Bill. It happens.

If you don't like Beck, Hannity, or O'Reilly, watch the Food Network.

The Food Network? In all fairness, none of those three assholes are as frightening as Sandra Lee.

The hysteria over Glenn Beck is a great example of why Fox News dominates. Here is a guy with an opinion. He has a television show. That's it.

And a lot of people think Glenn Beck is a taint-brained fuck-for-all gasbag, and they want to write about it or talk about it on television. That's it.

Apparently, that is driving the intelligentsia insane. They can't stand a guy like Beck mouthing off.

Bullshit. Beck's mouthing off drives me insane, and I'm a fucking moron.

The O'Reilly Factor is part of the American fabric...

Yeah. Part of the American fabric, just like smallpox blankets.

...a broadcast that actually influences the debate in this country.

This is very true. Whenever some senior citizen stands up at at "town hall" and says something like "Keep the government away from my Medicare," I think to myself, "He obviously watches Bill O'Reilly's show."

Way back in 1996, who knew?

Satan knew, Bill. Did he take your soul in exchange for success before or after you blew him?