I watch The Jay Leno Show once so you never, ever have to.

As most of you probably know, the former undeserved King of Late Night, Jay Leno, now does a version of his former show five nights a week at 10pm. Why? Because NBC is too cheap to produce scripted programs; and most Reality TV viewers are zonked out on meth by 10, so it would be pointless to air Who Wants to Marry a Hare-Lip at that hour.

Tah Dah! Jay Leno - the human Thomas Kinkade painting - to the rescue. His show constantly comes in last in its time slot, but since it's so cheap to produce, he's making millions of dollars for NBC. I'm going to review the show so none of you discerning TV connoisseurs will ever have to view a second of it. You're welcome.

-The show begins with bland theme music and a montage of pictures of Jay back when he was actually sorta funny. These are fucking old pictures, is what I'm saying.

-Jay comes out and stands like an inch away from the studio audience. It's kind of freaky. He needs to be more like Letterman, a good mile away from the audience; entering the fray only to insult them.

-I've seen this show before. It was The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and it aired at 11:3o every weeknight since 1992.

-As some sort of bizarre "Fuck you!" Jay now has a gray version of Conan O'Brien's haircut. He's taking all of Conan's guests and now he has a geriatric twist on his 'do! Still has the same giant ass-chin, though.

-Olive Garden advertises on this bland, predictable, lowest-common-denominator show? Of course they do. Jay and Olive Garden go together like shit and a place to eat shit.

-Jay does his "Jay Walking" skit with some reality TV stars. He asks easy questions to stupid people and they can't answer them because they're so stupid! This was funny when Howard Stern did it on the radio years ago. People who steal go to hell, Mr. Leno.

-I want to kill these "Real Housewives" stars. Really, this is only Round One of this stolen shitbag? There's more? Fuck.

-Finally, a guest. Julia Louis-Dreyfus can be funny, more so when she isn't being "interviewed" by Jay Leno, but at least Jay isn't up there alone, making me want to end my life.

-Julia is looking good. She's 49 and - unlike 23-year-old Lindsay Lohan - doesn't look ashy and near death.

-I can't get over the main point of this show, its sole reason for being: NBC fucking gave up. They are creatively bereft and going broke, so this is them waving the white-bread flag of surrender to mediocrity. If they really want to save money, NBC should just replace Jay with a homeless guy dressed as a dollar sign. The network can pay him with pints of cheap blended whiskey and he can interview his schizo visions in lieu of celebrity guests. The studio audience gets tubs of post-dated velveeta.

-A new feature on the show is called "10 at 10". Jay asks a celebrity, in this case Billy Crystal, 10 questions a raging half-wit might ask if poked through the frontal lobes with an icepick.

-I wouldn't rush out to see a Billy Crystal movie in 2009, but he's a pretty good talk show guest. He has some amusing stories, but the producers of the Jay Leno show are too cheap to fly him to LA and put him up in a nice hotel, so they ask him 10 retarded questions via satellite from New York. Fuck this show with a ball peen hammer.

-More witless shtick and the show mercifully ends. If I ever watch this again, please fly to Louisville and shoe me in the groins.