Beer

Saturday afternoon/evening I attended a fundraising event called East Coast, West Coast, No Coast; featuring beers from Dogfish Head Brewery in Delaware, Stone Brewery in San Diego, and Bluegrass Brewing Co. here in Louisville.

There were some interesting beers to be had. Stone had a smoked chipotle porter that literally burned going down, kind of like when Dane Cook swallows Satan's jizz, only this tasted good. The local guys at BBC had a beer that had been sitting in bourbon barrels since 2005. To put that in perspective, when this beer was originally put in the bourbon barrels someone somewhere actually gave a fuck about Avril Lavigne. Not me, of course, nor anyone I've ever liked even a little bit, but someone cared about her in 2005, damn it. That's some dated beer.

The most interesting beer I tried was Dogfish's Theobrama, made from a recipe circa 1500 B.C. The recipe was found by doing a chemical analysis of fragments from pottery that once held the beer. Yeah, someone from the brewery went all CSI up in this motherfucker.

The beer tasted good and all, but shouldn't the guy who did this be working on...I don't know...medical research or something? I'm sitting around drinking the beer that got Moses drunk while people are dying needlessly. Doesn't seem right...

Scientist #1: "Yeah, I'm working on stem cell research, should have a cure for Alzheimer's in the next few years. What have you been up to, Bob?"

Scientist #2: "I've got a beer that tastes like Megan Fox's vagina."

Scientist #1: "How is that possible?"

Scientist #2: "Well, we've had it aging in there since the filming of the Transformers sequel."

Scientist #1: "I bow before greatness."

Writing the above crap made me think about beer aged in celebrity vagina and which one I'd like my beer to taste like. You scoff at me now, but in two years when it's all the rage remember you read it here first.

Bourbon is aged in fire-charred oak barrels, and Lindsay Lohan's ex-"boyfriend" called her "firecrotch", so maybe she'd be a good candidate, but personally I wouldn't drink anything that came out of that hell-pit. However, Amanda Seyfried? I'll have two pints of that, please.

A lot of you are asking yourselves "Is this a new low?" and "Is he trying to run off the women in his ever-shrinking blog audience?" and the answers to those questions are "Maybe" and "Of course not, I love my female readers."

Ladies, I'm sure most of you don't have a taste for pussy-flavored beer, so if you want to think about that douche from Twilight tea bagging a vat of pilsner, feel free. I'm sure there's a post to be written about beer that tastes like celebrity cock-n-balls, and I urge one of you to write it.

Did this post veer dangerously off course? Yes it did, so I'll try to bring it back. The fundraiser was enjoyed by all and raised a substantial amount of money for charity.