Saturday, August 22, 2009
Whenever Sarah Palin speaks the world gets a little dumber
My favorite TV show this past year was HBO's Eastbound and Down, a comedy about washed-up relief pitcher Kenny Powers. The best line so far was when Kenny was criticizing his stripper girlfriend's wardrobe: "Honey, I love you...I think you're a terrific girl...but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead." I'm sorry, that's so perfect it takes my fucking breath away. I use that insult, in different forms, all the time.

The comment works perfectly on Sarah Palin: "Sarah, you're an attractive woman, really...but you have political views like a fucking dickhead." See? It works. Or how about:

"Sarah, you're obviously a fertile lass...but you chose kid's names like a fucking dickhead."

Why do I pick on Sarah? Because she's running around the country scaring old people, that's why! Frankly, old people are annoying enough without Sarah telling them bullshit lies about "Death Panels". Now the easily duped think Health Care Reform = Shooting Granny Like She's One of Michael Vick's Underperforming Hounds.

Of course Sarah didn't invent the whole "Death Panels" deception. She isn't smart enough to think of such a devious ploy, but she is ruthless and ambitious enough to help spread the word.

I really like my congressman, Rep. John Yarmuth. When one of his collegues called for a moment of silence on the House floor for Michael Jackson, Yarmuth walked out of the room in protest, saying the idea "...made me sick to my stomach."

Just a few weeks ago, Rep. Yarmuth was invited to a bogus "town hall" organized by people who are trying to defeat him in 2010. It would be filled with GOP operatives from across the country posing as "concerned citizens" from Yarmuth's district. These plants would disrupt the proceedings and accuse Yarmuth of wanting to kill old people.

Yarmuth responded with this statement: "Fuck all y'all. If you think I'm going to waste my valuable time being ambushed by a bunch of right-wing nutsacks you must be as hopped up on pills as that smirking, self-satisfied fuck Rush Limbaugh. So basically, all of you can take turns taking a big slurp on my liberal dick."

Ok, that's what I would have said. Yarmuth politely declined the invitation.

My favorite quote from this health care "debate" comes from some crazy old man at a "town hall": "Keep the government away from my medicare!" I'm no longer for universal health care after hearing that, because someone that fucking stupid doesn't deserve medicare. He needs to be set adrift in the ocean and left to his own devices.

In fact, instead of the fictional "Death Panel", let's make the "Stupid Panel" a reality:

"Sir, do think Sarah Palin is qualified to run this country?"

"Yes. Yes, I most certainly do. (Pause) Hey, what are you doing?!"

"We're going to shoot you in the face with a high-powered semi-automatic weapon, sir. We're gathering your immediate family so they can witness your demise and perhaps learn something from your tragic, wasted life."

And the "Stupid Panel" would give no quarter to dumb people on the left:

"Ma'am, do you believe that George W. Bush blew up the World Trade Center?"

"I sure do."

You already know what happens next.


Why do you hate Sarah Palin's mongoloid baby?

Blogger Moxie said...

That man did WHAT to dogs?

Blogger lp said...

you had me up until the shooting in the face part. i wish we had some sort of country we could exile these people to. you know, like england had with australia.

i would worry about their environmental impact, nuclear weapons, etc but i think they're too stupid to figure any of that out.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Last night, Patton Oswald mentioned dunk tanks filled with urine.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

One of my friends, who is otherwise very intelligent and well-informed, believes the WTC conspiracies. If a very smart President couldn't get a hummer in private in his own office without someone finding out about it, I don't know how a guy I wouldn't trust to do yardwork competently would get away with a conspiracy that large.

Blogger Lsamsa said...

I keep hoping for Sarah to start waving at us over here in Canada...boy, will she be surprised (you betcha!!) when that hockey puck smacks her in the forehead.
Hockey mom you say...not even close dearie!!

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