The end of beer as we know it?

To counter Miller Brewing's Genuine Draft 64-calorie beer, Budweiser - the King of Swill - has introduced 55-calorie Select, which I believe has to be legally classified as a "beer-like product", 'cause honey, this ain't beer! And yes, this is an actual product that actual "human beings" are buying.

If you're that concerned about your girlish figure (and this goes for the guys out there, too) just go ahead a drink a glass of water. That's zero calories. You can drink glass after glass of water until your internal organs shut down and you won't gain an ounce of scary weight.

But I understand that sorority girls need something to hold in the hand that isn't jacking off a total stranger, and they'd rather have a beer in said hand. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing my newest innovation, Coors Ultra Tapeworm. That's right, there's a parasitic flatworm in every bottle and can! Drink beer after beer (and the high calorie pizza and wings that usually accompany beer) and actually lose weight!

Does that sound ridiculous? Not any more ridiculous than the country's two leading swill merchants waging a war to see which can most completely bastardize beer, one of society's great beverages. Can you imagine Bud Select 55 selling any place except this fucking pussy-ass country? Please walk into a pub in Dublin and try to get a 55-calorie beer. Soccer hooligans would kick you down the street and you'd be gang-raped in the town square. Okay probably not, but you'd be taunted unmercifully!