Monday, August 17, 2009
The end of beer as we know it?
To counter Miller Brewing's Genuine Draft 64-calorie beer, Budweiser - the King of Swill - has introduced 55-calorie Select, which I believe has to be legally classified as a "beer-like product", 'cause honey, this ain't beer! And yes, this is an actual product that actual "human beings" are buying.

If you're that concerned about your girlish figure (and this goes for the guys out there, too) just go ahead a drink a glass of water. That's zero calories. You can drink glass after glass of water until your internal organs shut down and you won't gain an ounce of scary weight.

But I understand that sorority girls need something to hold in the hand that isn't jacking off a total stranger, and they'd rather have a beer in said hand. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing my newest innovation, Coors Ultra Tapeworm. That's right, there's a parasitic flatworm in every bottle and can! Drink beer after beer (and the high calorie pizza and wings that usually accompany beer) and actually lose weight!

Does that sound ridiculous? Not any more ridiculous than the country's two leading swill merchants waging a war to see which can most completely bastardize beer, one of society's great beverages. Can you imagine Bud Select 55 selling any place except this fucking pussy-ass country? Please walk into a pub in Dublin and try to get a 55-calorie beer. Soccer hooligans would kick you down the street and you'd be gang-raped in the town square. Okay probably not, but you'd be taunted unmercifully!


6 Comments:

Blogger Liv said...

Can you do that tapeworm idea to Vodka too? I'd wait in line to buy it.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

This reminds me of things my dad used to say when I was little.

"If you're going to drink beer, drink beer. If you're going to drink water, drink water." He also used this expression for coffee.

He also used to say Coors had "real beer flavoring."

Of course, he drank Dortmunder Union. Did I spell that right?

Amen bro, Amen. The masses love their piss water.

Blogger Professor Chaos said...

When i was younger, i thought i didn't like beer. Then i found out that there were beers out there besides the swill I stole from my dad. (Coors) A friend introduced me to Anchor Steam, and I've never looked back!

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

I've actually had customers ask for this crap. I call it "sex in a boat" beer-- it's fucking near water.

Blogger country roads said...

I hope I see someone drinking that shit when I'm out somewhere one night...something not good for their self esteem will soon follow :-P

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