If I had a nickel for every time I was politely rejected by a woman, I'd have quite a few nickels, let me tell you. The lady always tells me how great I am, but just not great for her. It's a nicer version of this:
"Todd, you are a really great guy and any woman would be lucky to have you. Except for me. Me, I'd rather drink a gallon of dumpster run-off and pierce my labia with a dirty toothpick than be in the same room as you. All of the other girls on Earth would be crazy not to want to go out with you, even though I'd sooner fill my uterus with liquid nitrogen and hit it with a sledgehammer before I'd even talk to you on the phone."
I recently had a nice young lady tell me she didn't want to see me, talk to me on the phone, or IM me, but "If I run into you at a bar, I hope you say 'hi'." I'm glad she isn't going to let her overwhelming distain for my very being get in the way of social niceties. I think Halmark should start a line of "If We Happen to Randomly Meet in Public Let's Acknowledge Each Other's Existences" greeting cards in her honor.
But I'm not mad at her, or any of the girls who've rejected me, because when I think about it, they MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. Really, I'm no bargain. I'm broke, overweight, not particularly handsome, and I'm a lousy dancer. Also, even though when sober I possess a fiercely keen bullshit detector, I have a bad habit of getting drunk and believing what I'm told. That one gets me every time.
This was going to be a much angrier post but I just can't manage to stay mad. I guess if I didn't have such a massive case of self-loathing it would bother me more when other people treat me like shit.
12 Comments:
It saddens me to hear you talk that way about yourself bro. It truly does.
Okay...I've been reading your blog for quite a while now...yours is one of the mandatory ten that I check every day...even though you don't post everyday, except in July.
I have decided to attend my 40-year high school reunion (yes, apparently I'm old, too) in Louisville.
I won't go into the whole story about being Canadian & what the hell was I even doing in Kentucky...surmise to say it was interesting 'then'...'now' could be either, boring or awkward or fun (as long as I don't bring up the healthcare debate)...who knows.
I wasn't going to ask, but now I'm intrigued & would love to drop by your store & just say 'hi'.
I love that someone from Louisville has such an irreverent blog...never seemed possible to me.
maybe you should try a long distance relationship...less likely to get emotionally attached, and their flaws are a lot easier to ignore, or so I hear
Buy a self-help book. I'm serious, some of them are decent.
Or get someone else to buy one for you. Either way, it helps with your confidence.
Best o' luck with the ladies.
You are also on MY list of everyday reads.
I don't know what you look like, smell like or anything about you, other than what you post here.
I'll just assume that the girls you are interested in haven't figured something out.
It really is about what's on the inside. Looks fade, people put on weight, things sag. It's just part of life. At the end of the day, when it's all said and done, how long can you just sit there staring at each others beauty with nothing to talk about? Just because someone doesn't fit into an ideal picture of "handsome, fit and trim" doesn't mean that they don't have something much more important to offer.
Conversation is key.
Well that and smokin' hot monkey sex...
What am I going to do with you?
I have to think about my response to this. It will likely come in the form of an email or private message.
well... at the risk of pissing off women in the ville let me just say maybe you're getting off easy because most of the ladies i've met here are batshit insane.
also - yours may be the only blog that i read religiously.
another also - for once i agree with vast right wing conspirator (though obviously you are not my brother).
sometimes people just don't like certain other people, but any girl who bases this opinion on your alleged brokeness, weightiness or lack of handsome is pretty stupid.
i know you've heard it before, but the right woman sees you for you, not for your looks or your wallet.
you're an entertaining and compassionate asshole (that's high praise), and we love you for it.
here's what you do...
(1) join LA Fitness to get in shape
(2) work up a really nice frothing hatred for the women that done you wrong
(3) wait....this one has already been done
ok, do this:
(1) get married and have 5 kids
(2) be very vocal in your roman catholicism
(3) go have dinner at Porcini
(4) fuck, someone beat you to this one too.
let me get back to you
Hm. I almost (almost) never agree with VRWC, but I do in spades this time.
Not much more I can say.
Now, would you write something pithy about Pitino and show women everywhere why they should be in awe of you. Because, dude, women LOVE funny. Sometimes they sleep with it and marry it too. I did.
I agree with what everyone else said. Except that "get a membership at L.A. Fitness" thing. Be yourself, which is hysterical. She'll show up when she's supposed to.
Well, you are smart and funny, though
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