Ways for Louisville to Improve

Except for my crappy job, I like living in Louisville. However, it's not like I have high standards or anything; give me a few good microbreweries and some cool restaurants and I'm happy. But if this city wants to attract the kind of hyper-educated overachieving ass who makes life miserable for people like me, it's going to have to step it up a bit. Here are some suggestions:

Light Rail

It makes sense to have light rail. First of all, you have to hire people to design it, build it, and operate it. Hello job creation! It will bring the easily self-satisfied to town in search of a slower, slightly less crime-riddled subway experience. Also, it will take several people off the road and make my commute easier.

Better Schools

Is it wrong that our school system's mascot is Ralph Wiggum saying "Me fail English? That's unpossible"?

Pro Sports

Once we sucker all of these successful people into moving here, we'll need to separate them from their cash; and nothing will achieve this more effectively than the money-grubbing tit-yank that is a professional sports franchise. Since we're already spending hundreds of millions of dollars for a downtown arena that so far is only guaranteed eighteen college basketball games and a handful of dreadful country music concerts a year, we might as well get an NBA team. Even if attendance is below league average, the strip clubs will do record business and some lucky realtor will sell twelve mansions.

Better City Services

Whenever it snows, it would be really cool if the city didn't shut down for weeks at a time. And you know what else would be awesome? If power lines didn't snap whenever there's a stiff wind.

And since I'll still be living here, here are two things I want:

Brazillian Churrascaria

No, I don't want someone to shave my taint. A Brazillian Churrascaria is a steakhouse. It wouldn't be a regular hangout, but two or three times a year a man wants to go to a place and eat enough meat to put his life in immediate jeopardy. If that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

My Own Underground Moving Sidewalk

I'm not asking for a lot, just a high speed moving sidewalk from my place of residence to the Bardstown Road bar district. Oh, and a comfy chair so I don't have to stand the whole time. If you build it, I will drink.