Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Ways for Louisville to Improve
Except for my crappy job, I like living in Louisville. However, it's not like I have high standards or anything; give me a few good microbreweries and some cool restaurants and I'm happy. But if this city wants to attract the kind of hyper-educated overachieving ass who makes life miserable for people like me, it's going to have to step it up a bit. Here are some suggestions:

Light Rail
It makes sense to have light rail. First of all, you have to hire people to design it, build it, and operate it. Hello job creation! It will bring the easily self-satisfied to town in search of a slower, slightly less crime-riddled subway experience. Also, it will take several people off the road and make my commute easier.

Better Schools
Is it wrong that our school system's mascot is Ralph Wiggum saying "Me fail English? That's unpossible"?

Pro Sports
Once we sucker all of these successful people into moving here, we'll need to separate them from their cash; and nothing will achieve this more effectively than the money-grubbing tit-yank that is a professional sports franchise. Since we're already spending hundreds of millions of dollars for a downtown arena that so far is only guaranteed eighteen college basketball games and a handful of dreadful country music concerts a year, we might as well get an NBA team. Even if attendance is below league average, the strip clubs will do record business and some lucky realtor will sell twelve mansions.

Better City Services
Whenever it snows, it would be really cool if the city didn't shut down for weeks at a time. And you know what else would be awesome? If power lines didn't snap whenever there's a stiff wind.

And since I'll still be living here, here are two things I want:

Brazillian Churrascaria
No, I don't want someone to shave my taint. A Brazillian Churrascaria is a steakhouse. It wouldn't be a regular hangout, but two or three times a year a man wants to go to a place and eat enough meat to put his life in immediate jeopardy. If that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

My Own Underground Moving Sidewalk
I'm not asking for a lot, just a high speed moving sidewalk from my place of residence to the Bardstown Road bar district. Oh, and a comfy chair so I don't have to stand the whole time. If you build it, I will drink.


Everyone can dream, but you sir, dream big.

Getting a Brazilian Churrascaria is a great idea for Louisville, provided it is Texas De Brazil. The others simply suck by comparison. I love that place for many reasons. One, I too like going there a couple times a year to eat large quantities of meat. You're right; sometimes that's just what a man needs. Second, according to the quote on your home page, I cause well over 100 hippies to lose their hacky sacks in a single evening! Last, but not least, the metaphorical "golden shower" I give to PETA whack jobs the world over. It's almost a good as Christmas when I visit that place!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Job creation? JOB CREATION?

People are on the "debit" sheet, not the "asset" sheet.

Nobody cares about job creation.

Blogger Tracy said...

But if someone WANTED to shave your taint, that would be ok, right?

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