I'll miss you most of all, Ghetto Smurf

The female "custodian" at work was fired yesterday. She was known as Ghetto Smurf because of her affected faux-gangsta speech patterns and squeaky, high-pitched voice. She also had a unibrow to rival Bigfoot's and dandruff like Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club. So she'll no longer make a meager salary for wandering around the store with a dirty mop, staring creepily at customers and coworkers, and then announcing two hours into her shift that she's sick and needs to go home. There's a rumor going around that she crapped her pants the other day, so maybe she really was sick.

Ghetto Smurf had replaced our former "custodian", the immortal 3-D Teef, so named because his giant buck front toofises seem to "come right at you." 3-D Teef was originally hired as a stocker but proved too stupid to find items in the warehouse and put them in their proper places on the shelf. I think he's illiterate, and not a heartwarmingly charming kind of illiterate, like the young con in Shawshank Redemption; I'm talking a not able to distinquish different shapes kind of stupid.

I believe I mentioned once that I had to reprimand an employee for standing at the front of the store howling like a dog. That was 3-D Teef in all of his moronic glory. He was finally fired for picking up a $16 mega-can of cashews, taking them into the break room, and tearing into them. He did all of this right in front of our Food Manager, who saw him grab the cashews and followed him to the back.

As 3-D Teef did his Walk of Shame after getting canned, he complained to no one in particular "They fired me for stealin' sumthun I don't even like. I thought they was peanuts."

See? He couldn't distinguish shapes! I knew it!

For some reason it's hard to find quality people who'll empty garbage and clean toilets for minimum wage.