Someone got some stank on his hang low...

Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, pictured here in happier times, is in a bit of a pickle, so to speak.

It seems that in 2003 Rick decided to have after hours sex with a woman at Porcini's, a restaurant in Louisville. This tryst led to her pregnancy and Pitino, in the parlance of Jonah Hill's character in Knocked Up, got her a "schmismortion at the schmismortion clinic." It cost him $3,000 dollars, which leads me to believe the procedure was performed by Dr. Phil, followed by a self-help seminar and a gourmet meal. Seriously, that's a lot for an abortion.

The woman later married the basketball team's equipment manager (I'm not making this up), but when that inevitably fell apart she started trying to blackmail Pitino for more money, including college tuition for the children she actually carried to term.

Eventually Pitino called the FBI and they nabbed the woman for extortion. Everyone pretty much assumed the "sexual tryst" rumors were true, but most remained uncertain about the abortion talk.

Well, it all came out the other day. She had an abortion, financed by Pitino, and the Right to Lifers are going batshit about it. University of Louisville's pro life group, Cardinals for Life, the fiercest of the robin-sized extremists, issued a statement calling for Pitino to be fired.

First of all, I find it hard to believe that members of a fundamentalist "right to life" group are smart enough to get into a college. There's like an entrance exam and everything! But anyway...the group stated "If the University of Louisville doesn't fire Rick Pitino immediately, they are condoning the abortion of his child..."

Well, yeah...no shit. I'm sure there's a heavy pro choice contingency at the university. Condoning abortions is what we do. Most of us aren't as blunt about it, but when you're pro choice you're saying "People are going to have abortions and I'm basically cool with that." Not all of the women who have abortions were raped by a retarded uncle or are in grave danger of dying if they deliver a baby. Unfortunately, some are star-fucking gold diggers who get banged by adulterous scumbags on the table of a closed restaurant. They're all colors in the pro choice rainbow.

Yes, I'm being a bit cavalier, aren't I? But I didn't arrive at a pro choice stance without doing some serious thinking. Sitting around eating and thinking was what I did when I was younger and my peers were out having a good time, and I gave this a lot of thought. It would be wonderful if all pregnancies were perfect and wanted, but that isn't the case in the real world. Are we going to tell women what to do with their bodies? If so our society is nothing more than the Taliban with pizza delivery.

In the end, Rick Pitino cheated on his wife and gave the University of Louisville a very public black eye. The university has every right to fire him, but they won't because basketball makes money and they're opening a gazillion dollar arena downtown in 2010, with Louisville men's basketball as the only confirmed tenant. They aren't about to hand this revenue machine over to one of Pitino's weak-ass proteges, most of whom can barely manage to score an under table handjob at Dairy Queen!