Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Perils and Perils of Online Dating
This is not an advice post. I don't seriously expect any of you to take dating advice from a guy whose personal soundtrack is "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" played on a continuous loop. These are just observations for you to consider before you act. In fact, I suggest you read some of my archives and anytime I've written about my actions regarding personal relationships, go ahead and do the exact opposite.

I've done some online dating in the past, meaning I've responded to "profiles" placed on various sites by single females. I've also placed a profile on a site or two, and although ignored for the most part, I have had a few enquiries. Here are a few things I've learned.

-If a woman announces she wants "No Drama" rest assured you're dealing with a Drama Queen. It wouldn't even occur to a lady who really hates drama to mention it in her ad, let alone make it the headline of said ad. Yeah, she wants lots of drama, she just doesn't want YOUR drama. Her drama is sweeping and majestic and pure; while your drama is small and trivial and sordid.

-It's the same way with girls who "don't want to play games". Yes, a lot of females truly don't want this, but the ones who mention games are already playing them. Naturally, her game is the Super Bowl. Your game is the "special" class playing Duck Duck Goose.

-Women who already have children are less likely to be charmed by your immaturity. And of course by "your" immaturity I mean "my" immaturity.

-Upon further reflection, women who don't have children aren't charmed by it either.

-If a female calls you "interesting" and you can almost see the quotes around the word as it comes out of her mouth, you will never ever see her again. Ever.

-Women who don't drink are the devil. Do you want to date the devil? Do you want to hang out with Sober Satan? Didn't think so.

-Find out if she has a really annoying laugh before you take her to see The Hangover. I realize this is technically advice and I said before to never take my advice, but go ahead and take it this time. Seriously.

-I would say if you know there isn't going to be a second date and she does the polite "pretend to offer to pay half the check" thing, go ahead and let her; but honestly I've never done this. And a couple of times I really should have. See? Even I don't follow my advice.

-If you are on yahoo personals and see a beautiful girl in her early twenties looking for men "Between 18 and 60" she's either an escort or a prisoner. Or both.

I realize this list may seem a tad sexist, but "female" is the only sex I date. If it makes you feel any better I want to punch ninety percent of the men I have to deal with on a daily basis; and I believe my own faults have been well documented on this site.


Blogger Dr. Monkey said...

Thanks for going through all that so I don't have to one day.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I recommend dating via Blogger. It worked for me!

Blogger yournamehere said...

Spinning girl,

Ouch. That's been even worse for me. Blogger dating has wounded me.

Blogger Sara said...

wait a minute there's Blogger dating?

Blogger lp said...

indeed, what the heck is blogger dating?

also, i don't drink and am totally stealing the nickname sober satan.

Blogger dizzy von damn! said...

i recommend not dating at all. it's a terrible terrible practice and should be avoided.

just fall in love with your friend, much easier.

Blogger Sara said...

yeah Dizzy, that's always the way it works out in the chick flicks

Blogger yournamehere said...

Sara from Texas, if you'd like to start a long distance relationship with me...Hey, what's your sign?

Blogger Sara said...

*Caution* Vapid next 5 miles

Blogger yournamehere said...

Damn...shot down again.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

If'n you wanted to court Miss Sara, you could stay in my guest room.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Great advice! I'm off to crawl under a rock!

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

I met my wife through online dating, but almost didn't. My first five one-time dates through this method were so horrendously bad, I had almost given up. Just some random thoughts for the ladies:

--If you're on a first date, it helps to talk. Really. That's sort of the point of a date.

--But if you do talk, I don't really want to hear about your past drug abuse, your dysfunctional marriage and the cheating that went on on your part. Nor do I want to hear about you banging your your professors in college, nor banging your married neighbor a few weeks ago. Or maybe save all of this TMI for the second date, at least.

--That when you inexplicably stop communicating 45 minutes into the date, don't be surprised when I don't call you for another date.

Blogger poet1b said...

I would have to say the same from my experiences with online dating, some women can be unbelievably inconsiderate. I have had a few of these dates, where instead of being a nice guy, I wish I had excused myself to go to the bathroom, and left the place.

I just happen to be passing by when I read your post. Nice post and keep up the good work!

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