Wednesday, September 02, 2009
A Death Wore a Feathered Mullet Special Investigation:


What does it mean when an event that supposedly attracted hundreds of people isn't remembered by anyone?

Yesterday, University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari allegedly made an in-store appearance at a Borders bookstore in downtown Louisville to promote his new book, Success the Douchebag Way. It was reported by the local newspaper and television stations, but attendees and Borders employees have no recollection of the event.

"Something big happened here yesterday," store manager Will Myers said. "I scheduled extra help, and according to the electronic journal we had stronger than average sales, but I can't for the life of me remember any of the details."

And it isn't just the people who worked the event. Eastern Kentucky resident Skeeter Reynolds was at Borders when the event was scheduled, but doesn't remember a thing.

"Yeah, I loaded up the wife and kids and headed over to Loserville, so of course a crack-usin' street gang threatened us and offered to impregnate my 13-year-old daughter," Mr. Reynolds stated. "Heh, joke's on them....she's already pregnant. Anyways, I remember bein' real happy on the ride back to Possum Falls, but for the life of me I don't remember why."

How is all of this possible? University of Louisville professor Sharon McDonald has a theory:

"Look at the career of John Calipari. His 1992-'93 U-Mass team went to a Final Four and had it stricken from the record books. Then his 2006-'07 Memphis State squad was a few missed free throws away from winning the national championship, only to have the entire season nullified. The evidence suggests that anytime John Calipari is involved with something, it's as if it never happened. I call this The Calipari Effect."

Whether this is a paranormal phenomenon or, according to Calipari apologists, an isolated incident, Skeeter Reynolds isn't happy.

"All I know is that I drove clear to Lousyville for nothin'," he said.

When reminded that without Louisville's tremendous state tax burden there wouldn't even be a road to and from his hometown, Reynolds mumbled something about "Pitino" and "baby killer" and walked away.


Whether stricken from the record books or not, the Cardinals will never be able to take away the savage ass pounding they will receive at the hands of the Cats this year.

Blogger flounder said...

I heard that he coached in the NBA, but I can neither confirm nor deny that.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I would like to apply the Calipari Effect to certain relationships from my past.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Because I want to hear your head explode all the way from Louisville:

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