It's magic!

Before we begin my latest insignificant blurt of faux outrage, let me make it perfectly clear that I'm not a fan of magic in general or magicians in particular. I'll admit to liking the very first David Blaine special several years ago, when he was just doing card tricks on the street and freaking people out. Then he became an illusiondouche and started performing "stunts". I think his latest was trying to quarter-tilt his non-cootered hat and douse himself with Axe Body Spray while frozen in carbonite. I can't recall. Also, I admire Penn and Teller but think of them more as entertainers.

But for those exceptions, I normally find magicians to be closet pedophiles like Doug Henning or walking smegma like Chris Angel; and those are the big names. Usually when I think of magicians I think of an insurance salesman with a side gig of ruining children's parties.

However, despite my disinterest in magic and unease with the people who pretend to perform it, I FUCKING HATE THOSE SHOWS THAT REVEAL MAGICIAN'S SECRETS! I hate hate hate those shows. Not because they spoil the illusion, but because they assume there's actually something to spoil.

Revealing that "magic" isn't real is like devoting an hour of prime time television to the debunking of the Easter Bunny myth. I can only imagine their target audience, a bunch of Old Milwaukee-swilling layabouts, bragging to their respective common law wives, "See bitch, I done told you David Copperfield didn't really make the Statue of Liberty disappear. It was all a trick!"

Really? Do you mean that a closet alcoholic in an ill-fitting rented tuxedo didn't actually saw a woman in half? The fuck you say! You mean he didn't steady his shaky hands and cut through human flesh and bone with the kind of saw meant to trim small branches? He was tricking us the whole time? Damn, I feel like such a fool!