Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Glenn Beck tries to ruin Christmas

I wish this was some sort of a joke, but Glenn Beck really has a picture book for children, based on a novel he wrote a few years ago. I'm guessing it's some hoary chestnut set a long time ago in an idyllic place that never really existed outside of Glenn Beck's whitebread fantasies.

He and one of his radio lackeys talked about it when it came out, so I'm going to go semi-FJM on them. Join me, won't you?

GLENN: Yes, it's Indoctrination Tuesday where we can indoctrinate...actually this is more like a vaccine. That's what this show is. More of a vaccine so you are not indoctrinated.

A vaccine against what? Truth? Reason? Basic human compassion? Thanks, Glenn, you fucking stain with a voice.

PAT: It's a little bit of an indoctrination so that you've got that indoctrination in your system, you can find out the other indoctrination.

Thanks for the clarification, Glenn Beck's hired toady. Don't you have some coffee to fetch, piss boy?

GLENN: It's actually, it's out in bookstores today. It's a brand new book, The Christmas Sweater. It is the picture book for kids.

"If there's a dollar out there I can get my greasy cock-grabbers on, it's as good as mine."

PAT: The illustration is unbelievable. Absolutely world class.

Now I'm pretty sure Pat has a house full of Thomas Kinkade paintings.

GLENN: It is really really great. It kind of reminds me of my childhood in the 1960s and the 1970s.

"There was this gimpy cripple kid named Stevie. One time I pushed him down a flight of steps at school. Little bastard crapped his pants. Oh, the memories."

Pat: Yeah.

Way to contribute, Pat.

GLENN: And it's just a great story. It is the story of the Christmas Sweater without all the really freaky sad parts.

Wait, there were "freaky sad parts" in the original novel? Did they involve a terminally ill mime who likes yogurt up his ass? Because that would be freaky AND sad.

GLENN: And it's a story about how kids don't always get what they want for Christmas.

Like the kid who wants his sick mother to be able to afford the medicine that keeps her alive. Oh, that's probably a bad example, huh Glenn?

Glenn: Indoctrinate your kids from an early, early age on the real meaning of Christmas. It ain't the toys, it ain't the stuff. It is the magic and the love of the holiday season.

"Am I giving my magical book away for free? Fuck and No."

PAT: And this way you don't need a needle and you don't need to shoot anything up their nose.

Finally, Pat starts earning his right-wing radio keep by saying something retarded!

Look for other right-wing Christmas books this holiday season, including:

Rudolph the Supply-Side Reindeer

Frosty the Snowman Presents Global Warming, My Ass!

Santa Claus Smites All the Gays

Rush Limbaugh's Exclusively White Christmas


Rudolph the Supply-Side Reindeer? You know damn well that Rudolph is a damn dirty liberal. Be sure to look out for Barney Frank's "I've got a Yule Log in my Glory Hole" and "Hot Buttered Elves." Holiday Classics one and all.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

A perfect Republican Christmas:

Good little boys and girls get presents made by those heathens in China, who work on Christmas Eve because they haven't heard the GOOD NEWS and besides, their bosses in the U.S. threatened to outsource elsewhere. Little welfare boys and girls don't get squat, because handouts only make them reliant on the fat teat of hard-workin' white male Santa Claus, who despite having the foreign corruption of a dead guy's name and a North Pole address (which is totally not melting), is a total macho Anglo Murrikan.

Dick Cheney gets coal in his stocking, which gets him so excited that he pees in his pants, which then make a perfect gift for David Vitter. Santa then tries to climb down George W. Bush's chimney, which is dark with carcinogenic soot and neocon policies, and for some reason has a smoke detector. When Santa finally wriggles through the flue, he trips up the shoot-first, ask-questions-later alarm system, which misses him completely and takes out their tree and the last hidden can of Who Hash.

Next morning on Bill O'Reilly: "Santa fires the shot heard 'round the world in the War on Christmas!" It makes Glenn Beck - and by extension, Jesus - cry.

The End.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Christmas is about magic and love? I've been wasting my time going to church that day!

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

This book is a swine flu vaccine? Is it available to the masses or only corporations?

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

I've heard what a woooooonderful story it is from a few of the neocon super Christians I work with. This tells me that this is the only instance I'd support a good old-fashioned book-burning.

Blogger random said...

You should know - it isn't just a book, or even a kid's book anymore. No, now the 'Christmas Sweater' is a freaking EXPERIENCE:

Sorry for the link to my own blog, but I couldn't find the stomach to link to the actual website again. - SFL

Sorry - that last was from me. and heh - glory hole.

Blogger foundinidaho said...

No, VRWC, Barney's song is "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire". (I know that's not the real name.)

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Sorry, I succumbed to the wit that is the VRWC.

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