Monday, November 09, 2009
Things I've learned from movies
You can learn things from watching movies; at least that's the premise of this lame blog post. Here are some things I've learned. You know, from watching movies.

American Beauty
If you ever spurn the until recently repressed homosexual advances of a homicidally violent ex-Marine, it's a good idea to lock your doors.

The Godfather
Go ahead and kill a prostitute; it'll be as if she never existed.

Pretty Woman
If you kill a prostitute, you'll have to answer to Hector Elzondo and the staff of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel!

Independence Day
Bill Pullman sucks.

She's All That
The only things separating the school outcast from the prom queen are a pair of contacts and a makeover from Anna Paquin.

The Phantom Menace
For this film to have been made, there is obviously no God.

The Last Kiss
Zack Braff really really sucks, as in "Makes Bill Pullman look like Deniro in his prime" sucks.

Rain Man
It's very entertaining to watch an actor play a character of limited intelligence. And Dustin Hoffman was good, too.

Return of the Jedi
As long as you do ONE good thing right before you die, your years of genocidal warmongering will be forgiven.

Raiders of the Lost Ark
Nazis are lousy shots.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Chicago-area principals have way too much free time. And are later arrested for collecting child pornography.

Regarding Henry
If you're a cold-hearted, ruthless, unethical lawyer, getting shot in the head will be the best thing that ever happens to you. The bullet will blow that douchiness right out of your frontal lobes, making you everyone's favorite slow-witted sweetheart.

Batman and Robin
Joel Schumaker shouldn't be allowed to direct tampon commercials, let alone Hollywood blockbusters.

Paul Blart, Mall Cop
Never saw it, but seriously...fuck this movie. If you want to see a fat guy run around aimlessly you can watch me play pick-up basketball. And I won't charge you ten bucks for the privilege.

Once again, never saw it, but I have a question: Why would a vampire be interested in a girl who looks like she doesn't have any blood in her veins?

Dirty Dancing
If you're a working class guy trying to bang a rich girl, everyone will be too distracted by the class differences to notice that she's seventeen and you're in your mid-thirties.

Most porn movies
Pizza delivery guys get a lot of tail.


Blogger Dani said...

Not that you actually care, but Edward is initially interested in Bella for two reasons. One, Edward is a mindreader but is unable to read Bella's mind. This intrigues him. And two, her blood smells especially intoxicating to vampires.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Can't read her mind? It's hard to read a blank slate.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I never read the Twilight books, but I have read the Sookie Stakehouse ones. So I'm thinking Dani is messing with you. At least that's my hope.

Blogger Übermilf said...

strike that. She's not messing with you. Both vampire series involve mind reading and attraction because the mind reader can't read minds, and the blood being extra attractive (in Sookie's case, because of her fairy blood.)

I can't believe no one has sued the other.

Blogger SkitzoLeezra said...

Yeah, I liked "She's All That" the first time I saw it, when Marsha Brady hooked her friend up with some new contact lenses, ditched her eyeglasses and gave her an after school makeover.
And "Ghost"? Please Mr. Death W.A.F.M., give us your take on that cinematic treasure!

Blogger poet1b said...

"American Beauty
If you ever spurn the until recently repressed homosexual advances of a homicidally violent ex-Marine, it's a good idea to lock your doors."

Man that is funny as hell, LMAO.

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