You can learn things from watching movies; at least that's the premise of this lame blog post. Here are some things I've learned. You know, from watching movies.
If you ever spurn the until recently repressed homosexual advances of a homicidally violent ex-Marine, it's a good idea to lock your doors.
Go ahead and kill a prostitute; it'll be as if she never existed.
If you kill a prostitute, you'll have to answer to Hector Elzondo and the staff of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel!
Bill Pullman sucks.
She's All That
The only things separating the school outcast from the prom queen are a pair of contacts and a makeover from Anna Paquin.
The Phantom Menace
For this film to have been made, there is obviously no God.
The Last Kiss
Zack Braff really really sucks, as in "Makes Bill Pullman look like Deniro in his prime" sucks.
It's very entertaining to watch an actor play a character of limited intelligence. And Dustin Hoffman was good, too.
Return of the Jedi
As long as you do ONE good thing right before you die, your years of genocidal warmongering will be forgiven.
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Nazis are lousy shots.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Chicago-area principals have way too much free time. And are later arrested for collecting child pornography.
If you're a cold-hearted, ruthless, unethical lawyer, getting shot in the head will be the best thing that ever happens to you. The bullet will blow that douchiness right out of your frontal lobes, making you everyone's favorite slow-witted sweetheart.
Batman and Robin
Joel Schumaker shouldn't be allowed to direct tampon commercials, let alone Hollywood blockbusters.
Paul Blart, Mall Cop
Never saw it, but seriously...fuck this movie. If you want to see a fat guy run around aimlessly you can watch me play pick-up basketball. And I won't charge you ten bucks for the privilege.
Once again, never saw it, but I have a question: Why would a vampire be interested in a girl who looks like she doesn't have any blood in her veins?
If you're a working class guy trying to bang a rich girl, everyone will be too distracted by the class differences to notice that she's seventeen and you're in your mid-thirties.
Most porn movies
Pizza delivery guys get a lot of tail.