Thursday, November 19, 2009
A New Goal
I've struggled my whole life with fattyness, mostly because I like to eat unhealthy foods and drink sweet, delicious booze. Every once in a while, I'll get temporarily motivated and lose weight, but the motivation inevitably wanes and the pounds come back. But I think I finally have an answer to my problem.

By this time next year, my goal is to be One Night Standable.

Simply put, I want to be able to have an occasional night of good old fashioned no strings attached consensual banging. I think massive weight loss would allow this to occur. Right now, no woman is looking at me at a bar or wherever and thinking, "There's the guy I want to make bad decisions with." Or if she's an English teacher, "There's the guy with whom I want to make bad decisions."

For those who think this is monumentally shallow, please hear me out. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ON THE DATES I'VE BEEN ON! You have not endured the strained conversation, the forced niceties, the awkward pauses, the unmistakable musk of middle-aged desperation!

I'm not blaming my dates, even though I seem to attract a lot of Nickleback fans and women who are just coming off the worst relationship since Ike Turner dragged Tina around by her stage wig. No, the fault lies with me and my increasing unwillingness to tolerate The Curse.

What is The Curse? The Curse is: EVERY WOMAN I'D LIKE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH IS EITHER UNINTERESTED OR UNAVAILABLE.

The problem is me. Honestly, I don't like a whole lot of people. But because of The Curse, I force myself to be a social being, going on dates to places I hate and laughing at stories I find life-sappingly boring. It just isn't working out, and those women deserve better than someone who'd rather be doing anything than talking to them.

My dating cycles are kind of like my weight gain/loss cycles. Every few months loneliness motivates me to dive back into the dating pool. I jump in, struggle to avoid drowning, and then lose the motivation altogether.

So what does any of this have to do with my goal of becoming One Night Standable? Well, as a human being I get horny, to be perfectly honest. If I want sex, I could lie to or manipulate someone I have no long-term interest in, or I can become One Night Standable. I'm far from perfect (duh, right?) but I refuse to take advantage of someone's emotions just to get laid. Therefore, my only real options are to get all One Night Standable or join a Monastery. And I don't like the brown robes they have to wear.


11 Comments:

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

This is the best plan ever.

Blogger Heather said...

I could tell you, "There is someone out there, just for you, who doesn't care what you look like. It's what's on the inside that counts."
The reality, suck-filled as it is, puts your chances at finding her around 30% so, good luck with that.
However, it seems to me, your unwillingness to lie or manipulate in your current physical condition to simply get laid, says something. If you have enough consideration to not play head games now, are you going to be willing to in your "One Night Standable" shape? Is your conscience going to disappear with your weight?
Just a little FYI, I'm 5'4" 120lbs, my honey is 6'3" 305lbs. I find him incredibly sexy.

Blogger Heather said...

What I meant to say was, Go for it, Todd!

Blogger Osbasso said...

You might be my long-lost twin brother.

Blogger dizzy von damn! said...

i support this.

Blogger pacific madrone said...

are you gonna kiss & tell? if so, i sure look forward to those posts. i have a feeling your forays into the world of one night stands will be memorable and even funnier in blog. keep remembering the now-famous kate moss quote: "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", only substitute "fuckable" for skinny and you'll have all the motivation you need.

you should buy into the D.E.N.N.I.S. system!
-matt, in case you're wondering.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I am glad so you'll be healthy and around to amuse us longer.

I don't really care about your sex life. Sorry.

Blogger Bette said...

This is an admirable goal.

However. The first time I ever tried a one-night stand, I ended up marrying the guy. We're insanely happy and all that, but it's something to think about as you embark on this project. Caveat dietor.

Blogger SkitzoLeezra said...

Fuck the diet, buy some roofies.

Blogger ms fable said...

I'd do you.

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