Monday, November 16, 2009
Shooting fish in a barrel: I go "FJM" on Sarah Palin's book.
There used to be a website called Fire Joe Morgan. Their shtick was to take a sports-related newspaper column or TV rant and tear it apart, sometimes sentence by sentence.

Fans of literary abortions are well aware that Sarah Palin has a book coming out, undoubtedly ghost-written by someone who can form coherent sentences. Let's shit on some excerpts, shall we?

"I was quite a cocky young mom-to-be. I'd gone through the requisite childbirth class (we were going to use the Lamaze method), and, being an athlete used to pain, I figured, How tough could giving birth be? Oh. My. Gosh. I thought I was going to die. In fact, I began to pray that I would die. . . I gritted my teeth and willed myself not to scream."

So Sarah has a history, be it with childbirth or running for vice president, of severely overestimating her ability to handle tough situations. "I've played basketball at the high school level, so obviously pushing a human through my vagina will be like eating a piece of taffy."

"Politically, Juneau always had a reputation for being a lot like Animal House: drinking and bowling, drunken brawls, countless affairs, and garden-variety lunchtime trysts."

Drinking AND bowling? Sweet Jesus, it was like Caligula's fuck-den up there!

"The month after Trig was born, Bristol came to Todd and me and told us the shocking news that she was pregnant. Truthfully, I was devastated for my daughter. It wasn't the morality of the situation--what was done was done. It was that I saw her future change in an instant."

Bristol's future immediately changed from being exploited for her teenage wholesomeness to being exploited for her 'choice' to keep the baby. Yeah, that IS quite a change.

"Todd and I were proud of Bristol's selfless decision to have her baby and her determination to deal with difficult circumstances by taking responsibility for her actions. But in no way did I want to send the message that teenage pregnancy was something to endorse, much less glamorize."

Uh huh...that's why Bristol and whatshisname, the hockey-jock who knocked her up, were paraded in front of the nation like a Republican version of Prince Charles and Lady Di.

"For some reason, when the call (to be on the ticket) came at the State Fair, it didn't come as a huge shock. ... I certainly didn't think,' Well, of course this would happen.' But neither did I think 'What an astonishing idea.'"

There was Sarah at the State Fair, just standing near the Tilt-a-Whirl eating fried dough, and she gets the call to run for the vice presidency of the United States. No big whoop.

Have a corn dog to go with that hubris.

"The campaign's 'Tina Fey Fears' turned out to be overblown. Instead, when I met her, she was friendly and gracious. ... Without managers and handles swarming around ... it was just a nice mom moment. 'Believe it or not, I've got Republicans in my family,' Tina said, smiling. 'Believe it or not,' I said, 'I've got Democrats in mine.'"

A witty exchange between two comic masterminds! She leaves out the part where they trade roundhouse kicks to the babymakers.

And I don't care who you are or where you belong on the political spectrum; Sarah's appearance on SNL made the McCain campaign look like a fucking joke. It showed their desperation that she was even allowed to be there.

"My family was made to look like a herd of hillbillies who had come to the big city and started living high on the hog, and that hurt me for them."

"Because - dag nabit - if we want to eat a hog we'll go out and kill one our own selves!"

"Meanwhile, the media blackout continued. It got so bad that a couple of times I had a friend in Anchorage track down phone numbers for me, and then I snuck in calls to folks like Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Sean Hannity and someone I thought was Larry Kudlow but turned out to be Neil Cavuto’s producer."

I can see why this book is calling Going Rogue, because that my friends is going fuck-0n rouge! Calling a bunch of sycophants in the echo chamber to reinforce the high opinion you have of yourself is maverickesque TO THE EXTREME!!!

I don't have a direct quote on this one, but apparently Sarah's still bitching about not being able to give a concession speech, even though no vice presidential candidate has ever in the history of anything been allowed to speak after a loss. Her job was to stand there and nod while McCain lied and said she was a great running mate. It wasn't John McCain's responsibility to give her a platform to begin her 2012 candidacy.

As the book is released and I get more passages, I may do a Part Two.


6 Comments:

Blogger Udi said...

The fact that she was a governor of a state made me realize that being a governor therefore doesnt require a lot of skills. Its almost like running for Class President

Blogger Übermilf said...

At least she finished the BOOK. Or someone finished it for her.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...
Blogger kate said...

"But in no way did I want to send the message that teenage pregnancy was something to endorse, much less glamorize"

Which is exactly why Bristol was on the cover of People magazine and featured repeatidly on GMA, Today, etc...and the hillbilly baby-daddy is a "reporter" for Entertainment Tonight while getting ready for his Playgirl spread. Man, there's no glamor in any of that stuff. Well done, Sarah!

O. M. G. I need to go vomit now. But thanks for the laugh.

Blogger poet1b said...

I am a democrat, so unless Obama totally screws things up worse than GW, which would be a tall order, I am looking forward to Sarah becoming the GOP nominee.

Somewhere along the campaign trail I hope peoples heads start exploding, mainly, those who voted for GW twice.

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