Thursday, January 07, 2010
A note to America
Haven't blogged in a while. I would say I've been busy, but I'm not any more busy now than I was back when I posted six times a week. Anyway, let's blame Facebook. And Twitter, even though I don't have a Twitter account (and never will). Speaking of Facebook, I just wrote a status update that inspired me to blog again. At least this once...

Dearest America:

-The Snuggie is just a backwards robe. Do you have an old robe lying around? If not, a senile relative does. Steal it from him and he'll never be the wiser. Ever. His wise days are behind him.

-Olive Garden is not an acceptable approximation of Italian cuisine. Have you seen the commercial where the old man visits from Italy and his stupid relatives take him to Olive Garden? The commercial shows them talking and laughing with their mouths full of awful food; but it doesn't show the part where the old man executes every fucking one of those no-taste-having-cocksuckers with a single bullet to the back of the head.

-You remember the day after Thanksgiving when you got up at 3am to stand in line at Wal-Mart? Remember standing in a light but bitterly cold rain with wind gusts that ripped your nips off? Remember fighting through a throng of punching, kicking, spitting and biting louts to buy a bunch of crap you really didn't need, all because it was on sale? Well, it's on sale for less RIGHT NOW. I think I'll proceed at my leisure and buy some of it. Or maybe not.

-You probably think tonight's Texas v. Alabama football game will decide the sport's national champion. I'm here to tell you that as long as there isn't a playoff, that title is as mythical as the Easter Bunny blowing a Unicorn. Since Boise State is also undefeated, I'm going to go ahead and call them your 2009-10 National Champs. Congratulations, Boise State!

-New Year's Eve has passed, so everyone can go back to not giving a fuck about champagne.

-SPOILER ALERT: Avatar has the exact same plot as Ernest Scared Stupid. True.

-If you drink Bud Light, you do not like beer. You like fizzy yellow water that might get you drunk if you down a case of the swill. And that's ok. Really. To each his own. But quit saying you like beer.


6 Comments:

Blogger Übermilf said...

I didn't know the Easter Bunny was gay.

Blogger foundinidaho said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger foundinidaho said...

As someone who lives in Boise, I can assure you that Boise State has no business being National Champs either. Even if the gay Easter Bunny said so.

Blogger Übermilf said...

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. He was sending a message all those years with rainbow-colored eggs, and we just didn't get it.

Blogger Stormin said...

I thought that Avatar was more The Last Of The Mohicans (or however that's spelled) but on planet blacklight.

Either way I fucking hated that movie.

Blogger Liv said...

Avatar and Pocahontas have the same plot too. Awful movie.

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