Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Society's absolute nadir
I've come to a startling, sobering conclusion recently: Society is too stupid to shop.

Oh, some people can still manage the challenging task of purchasing goods and services, but the majority are simply lost. They stumble around aimlessly, with the stunned look of dairy cattle on their faces, seemingly unable to read or even recognize shapes. They're so engrossed in their vapid cell phone conversations they can't be bothered to not run into inanimate objects and/or other humans. They seem impatient when they have to wait in line, but are NEVER ready to pay when they get to the front. "Oh, I have to pay? American society isn't based on a barter system? I had no idea. Let me dig through this elaborate network of pockets to find my credit card. I swear it's somewhere in this pleather labyrinth."

The other day I asked a young lady if she wanted to process her card as credit or debit. Her reply will haunt my thoughts until the last soothing wave of senility washes over me.

"Uh...the one where you put in the numbers."

The one where you put in the numbers? C'mon, YOU CAN DO BETTER! At least she picked an option. Most of the time, I get, "It doesn't matter. You decide."

I can decide? It's up to me? Then you're gonna pay me with your life. How about that? Oh, you're an attractive girl? How about a handjob while I shove a finger up your ass and we'll call it even? It's your money, make a fucking decision.

And do you know how many people get to the front of the line and suddenly remember they've forgotten something? A fucking lot of them, that's how many.

"What else do I need to make a rum and coke?"

"Well, you have the coke. I'm guessing 'rum'."

"Hold on. I'll be right back."

Yeah, no one minds waiting while you sashay through the store looking for rum. You're the only person on Earth.

Shopping in increments is as popular as twitter, and just as stupid. This happens everywhere. At Kroger, people abandon their groceries at the self-checkout while they continue shopping for whatever trinket they forgot in the first place. Why? They can't be bothered to make a list beforehand, and their tiny brains can't hold that much information.

Those of you who are still smart enough to shop, I suggest you sit back, pop a beer, and enjoy the End of Days, for they are nigh.


First off, I would like to commend you for using the word nadir. One of my all time favorites.

Second, I couldn't agree more. Make the people who ask you to decide how to pay, pay with their lives.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Suddenly, the Soup Nazi makes perfect sense

Blogger Laura said...

Yessss. My favorite at the grocery is the chick with all reusable bags who stands over the guy bagging her stuff and choreographs his every move. Because those reusable bags are just SO unlike plastic bags.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My daughter worked in a convenience store. A customer gave her a card. Daughter asked debit or credit, the customer grabbed the card back and with an alarmed look on her face pointed to the lower part of the card and said "D-E-B-I-T! Duh!". Then handed it back. Daughter said, "ok then you want debit, thank you, have a wonderful day." Which in clerk speak actully means "eat shit and die, you seathing puss bag". She even gave a little wave and said "Buh-bye now!" The next customer in line totally got it and was laughing his ass off.

Blogger Stormin said...

I'll admit that I meander while I shop, but mostly because of the fact that I never really know what I want to make.

That said, if I forgot an item at checkout, it's my own fucking fault and it is gone. I will get it on the next trip.

And always running the card as credit. I get reward points. Have for quite some time.

Blogger DrGoat said...

I love the people who are carrying on a conversation while at the register. They give the clerk a minimal amount of attention, no thanks, no pleasantries. They are usually just as rude when they're not on their insipid cell phones, all puffed up with self-importance. I always just drift into imagining beating them with a baseball bat, as my wife gets pissed when I actually tell them how rude they are.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

it drives me insane, INSANE I SAY!!!, when the person is digging for their wallets when asked to pay!!!! Seriously, you knew it was time to pay so get your fucken money/card ready beforehand!!!!

i'm a bit annoyed so excuse my rudeness.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

My version:

Customer: "Do you have any specials?"

Me: "Yes, we do. It's on that white sheet in the middle of the menu that says 'Specials' at the top."

Customer (looking at white sheet with "Specials" printed in bold block letters at the top, flipping between that and the sandwich menu on the back): "Where is that?"

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