I've come to a startling, sobering conclusion recently: Society is too stupid to shop.
Oh, some people can still manage the challenging task of purchasing goods and services, but the majority are simply lost. They stumble around aimlessly, with the stunned look of dairy cattle on their faces, seemingly unable to read or even recognize shapes. They're so engrossed in their vapid cell phone conversations they can't be bothered to not run into inanimate objects and/or other humans. They seem impatient when they have to wait in line, but are NEVER ready to pay when they get to the front. "Oh, I have to pay? American society isn't based on a barter system? I had no idea. Let me dig through this elaborate network of pockets to find my credit card. I swear it's somewhere in this pleather labyrinth."
The other day I asked a young lady if she wanted to process her card as credit or debit. Her reply will haunt my thoughts until the last soothing wave of senility washes over me.
"Uh...the one where you put in the numbers."
The one where you put in the numbers? C'mon, YOU CAN DO BETTER! At least she picked an option. Most of the time, I get, "It doesn't matter. You decide."
I can decide? It's up to me? Then you're gonna pay me with your life. How about that? Oh, you're an attractive girl? How about a handjob while I shove a finger up your ass and we'll call it even? It's your money, make a fucking decision.
And do you know how many people get to the front of the line and suddenly remember they've forgotten something? A fucking lot of them, that's how many.
"What else do I need to make a rum and coke?"
"Well, you have the coke. I'm guessing 'rum'."
"Hold on. I'll be right back."
Yeah, no one minds waiting while you sashay through the store looking for rum. You're the only person on Earth.
Shopping in increments is as popular as twitter, and just as stupid. This happens everywhere. At Kroger, people abandon their groceries at the self-checkout while they continue shopping for whatever trinket they forgot in the first place. Why? They can't be bothered to make a list beforehand, and their tiny brains can't hold that much information.
Those of you who are still smart enough to shop, I suggest you sit back, pop a beer, and enjoy the End of Days, for they are nigh.