Thursday, June 24, 2010
Live Blogging the NBA Draft...Again
Last year I live blogged the NBA draft, and let me tell you...NO ONE CARED. I didn't even care, and I wrote the fucking thing. But I just got off work and I'm bored and broke, so here we go again.

Let me start out by saying I'm tired of hearing about LeBron James and where he'll make hundreds of millions of dollars for the next few years. Yeah, he's great and all, but he's won as many championships as my fat ass.

Last year a lot of picks were wasted on foreign players who may not leave their countries for several years. Will the trend continue this year? Gosh, I hope so.

1. Washington Wizards - John Wall, University of Kentucky
I should hate John Wall since he played at Kentucky, but I just don't have it in me. He seems ok. He just bought his mom a house and he never punched any University of Louisville players in the head, unlike Demarcus Cousins.

2. Philadelphia 76ers - Evan Turner, Ohio State University
Another guy I don't hate. This is comedy poison!!!

3. New Jersey Nets - Derrick Favors, Georgia Tech
Huh...someone just said this guy has "great length". If Jay Bilas says "Yeah, but what about his girth?" my head will explode.

4. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wesley Johnson, Syracuse
He played for Syracuse, so he can eat a bag of cocks.

5. Sacramento Kings - Demarcus Cousins, Douchebag from University of Kentucky
Seriously, fuck this clown. He didn't punch NBA commissioner David Stern on the way to the podium, so maybe our little thug is growing up.

6. Golden State Warriors - Ekpe Udoh, Baylor University
"Ekpe Udoh" is the sound you make when you get punched in the stomach.

7. Detroit Pistons - Greg Monroe, Georgetown
Greg is from New Orleans and was displaced by Hurricane Katrina. Now he's going to Detroit. From one disaster area to another...

8. Los Angeles Clippers - Al-Farouq Aminu, Wake Forest
Getting drafted by the Clippers equals being cursed. You could desecrate an Indian burial ground and not be as cursed as the poor bastard who gets drafted by the Clippers.

9. Utah Jazz - Gordon Hayward, Butler University
Hey, Utah drafts a white guy. Big surprise. 

10. Indiana Pacers - Paul George, Fresno State
What, was John Ringo unavailable? That was a Beatles joke, kids. The Beatles were overrated, by the way.

11. Charlotte Hornets - Cole Aldrich, Kansas
I bet he eats at Sonic a lot. I can see Cole punishing a large order of tater tots.

12. Memphis Grizzles - Xavier Henry, Kansas
He pronounces his name "Za Vee Aay". In other words, he's a giant pussy.

13. Toronto Raptors - Ed Davis, North Carolina
Enjoy paying Canadian taxes, Ed. 

14. Houston Rockets - Patrick Patterson, University of Kentucky
Another Kentucky player I don't hate. I'm losing my edge. Someone hurry up and draft that semi-literate asshole Eric Bledsoe. 

15. Milwaukee Bucks - Larry Sanders, Virginia Commonwealth 
Did the Bucks just draft this guy?

16. Minnesota Timberwolves - Luke Babbit, Nevada
Did the Timberwolves just draft these guys? BABBIT!!!

17. Chicago Bulls - Kevin Seraphin, France
Finally, a foreign player no one has heard of! He's French, so expect him to soon lead the league in unconditional surrenders.

And now they say he won't be coming over for a few years. Of course not. Why would you draft someone who can actually help your team this decade?

18. Oklahoma City Thunder - Eric Bledsoe, University of Kentucky
The NCAA is investigating Bledsoe because they don't think he was smart enough to legitimately finish high school. And now he's a millionaire. Enjoy getting up early and going to work tomorrow, everyone!

19. Boston Celtics - Avery Bradley, Texas
Hey, you guys lost to the Lakers! Suck on that, Beantown!

20. San Antonio Spurs - James Anderson, Oklahoma State
I really don't know anything about this guy, but the Spurs always make good decisions, so I'm sure he'll do just fine.

Oh...hahahahaha! Eric Bledsoe just got traded to the Clippers. He shouldn't have skull-fucked the remains of Geronimo the other night. Hahahahahaha!

21. Oklahoma City Thunder - Craig Brackins, Iowa State
I have no idea who this is and he doesn't even have a funny name. Fuck off, Brackins! You are draft live blog dead weight!!

22. Portland Trailblazers - Elliot Williams, Memphis State
According to Jay Bilas, he's "the best pro prospect in Conference USA" to which America responds "la-de-fucking-da".

23. Minnesota Timberwolves - Trevor Booker, Clemson
On a completely unrelated note, I'd like to punch Jonah Hill in the face. 

24. Atlanta Hawks - Damion James, Texas
You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

25. Memphis Grizzlies - Dominique Jones, South Florida
Louisville usually beats the crap out of South Florida in basketball, so I've seen Dominique Jones get lots of meaningless garbage time baskets. He's perfect for the NBA.

26. Oklahoma City Thunder - Quincy Pondexter, I forget where he went to college and I'm too disinterested to find out...
I loved Quincy Pondexter in Revenge of the Nerds.

27. New Jersey Nets - Jordan Crawford, Xavier University
In a pickup game last summer, he dunked on LeBron like it was the fourth quarter of a game that mattered. In other words, LeBron was useless.

28. Memphis Grizzles - Greivis Vasquez, Maryland
I like this guy. He sat in the crowd and went crazy when he got picked. He brought his whole family, too. All of 'em. And he gave David Stern a lusty embrace. Solid performance all around.

29. Orlando Magic - Daniel Orton, University of Kentucky
If you're counting at home, that's FIVE players from Kentucky in the first round. And they didn't even make the Final Four last year. Nice going Calipari, you dick.

30. Washington Wizards - Lazar Hayward, Marquette 
And it finally ends. Not as many wacky foreigners as last year. I'm a little disappointed to be honest.


Loved the Babbit reference! I remember that cartoon.

Blogger kate said...

I hate Cole Aldrich...what a gangly-looking hillbilly motherfucker. I hope that someone in the NBA knocks out the rest of his teeth this year.


Oh, and Xavier sucks balls, too.

Utah's pick at #9 was among the worst in Draft history btw. Just absolutely awful. Their fans are already bitching that they didn't take Patterson there.

Blogger foundinidaho said...

I went to Nevada (Reno) so I love Luke Babbitt. I also love that I've been saying his name like your reference ever since I've laid eyes on him.

Blogger yournamehere said...


the guy who writes the Louisville Cardinal fan blog, certainly not a Kentucky fan, wrote that it was a travesty that Aldrich and Hayward were taken before Patterson.

Blogger beaker90 said...

Am I the only one who thinks that Charlotte Hornets sounds like a porn name?

It's so true! Whether a fan or not, Patterson is a BEAST!! I was talking to some huge Jazz fans that were actually at the Delta Center during the draft. The crowd there Booed vociferously when they drafted Hayward! The Jazz ownership said they picked him "Because he reminds them of Jerry Sloan." WTF!!! They suck.

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