Sunday, August 29, 2010
I had a nitemare
Ok,I basically no longer have a computer. My laptop is broken and it will be a while before I get a new one. I won't be doing a lot of posting, but Glenn Beck has pissed me off to the point that I'm slowly typing this out on my iPod Touch.

Yesterday Beck decided to have a gathering of mouth breathing tea partiers. You'd assume such a collection of morons would include Sarah Palin, and you'd be right. Beck decided to have this rally on the 47th anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, at the exact place where it was given.

I'm for free speech, even when Sister Sarah is doing the speaking; and I'm for freedom of assembly, even when the assembled are a group of hateful, willfully ignorant jackasses.

But isn't it a little crass to mark the anniversary of King's historic speech by bringing together people whose two main concerns seem to be coming up with new, "clever" racial epithets to hurl at the president and making sure the victim of sexual assault is forced to birth the rapist's baby? I don't know, couldn't we do better?

And really, anything would have been better. A massive circle jerk would have been less offensive. I can see the spirit of MLK saying, "Oh my goodness, it's the anniversary of my most famous speech and those people are masturbating. And some of the have fingers up their ass, too. Oh well, at least Glenn Beck isn't involved."

Thursday, August 19, 2010
Just about every day I get some kind of email asking me to boycott something, or see a facebook post advocating a boycott. Some of the time I support this action, some of the time I don't. And to be honest, it doesn't really have to do with any political agenda. It has everything to do with how I feel about the targeted company in the first place.

For example, I've been asked via email to stop shopping at Target department stores. Folks, that's not gonna happen. Apparently, Target gave a large campaign contribution to some right wing moron. But in their defense, they have Season Two of Mad Men for only $19.99. 

I'm pretty liberal, but Target could buy Sarah Palin a diamond-studded dildo and they wouldn't lose my business. However, Wal-Mart? Fuck them, give me a reason to not shop there! What, a store manager in Tupelo doesn't like Gypsies? I'll never set foot in one of those dumps ever again. 

Is there a reason to not eat at Olive Garden? People give me dirty looks when I say I hate their food, like "Oh, la-de-fuckin'-da, King Cuisine won't eat at Olive Garden," but it would be a different story were I to boycott them for employing slave labor or contributing to the rise of Pol Pot's grandson in Cambodia.

I wonder how epic an atrocity it would take for me to boycott Chick Fil A. Weakened the levees in New Orleans circa 2005? Maybe. Were directly responsible for 9/11? Perhaps. "Yeah, they really fucked up, but have you had this sandwich?" I'd say between bites.

Want more examples? Ok:

White Castle? Heard they gave smallpox blankets to earthquake victims. I'll give 'em one more chance.

Subway? Read somewhere that they don't hire enough midgets, so the entire chain is dead to me. 

In-n-Out Burger? Really, they're sponsoring Dane Cook's fall tour? I vow to only eat there once a year, unless they open a store in Louisville or I move out West; in which case all bets are off.

I guess the point of this post is that I'm a horrible human being. 

Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Our dumb ass world

"I got a ticket for speeding in a shcool zone."

This misspelled road marker, which is really just an expensive and embarrassing typo, serves as an apt symbol for our stupid, stupid society. Self-described experts, who number in the billions thanks to the Internet, have thus far failed to pinpoint the exact time humankind began its most likely irreversible slide downward. 

Was it the summer grown men wore Capri pants? Maybe.

Was it when the country heard "Ladies and Gentlemen, your new American Idol, Taylor Hicks"? Perhaps.

Was it when George W. Bush was reelected? Could be.

Personally, I blame the cast of Real World: Las Vegas. Fuckers.

It really doesn't matter, though. This is the world we have made, and thus the world we deserve. Across America, quality independent restaurants are shutting down while the middle class collectively waits an hour for a table at Olive Garden. Meanwhile, the fifty people in this country who are still rich are busy eating stuff that looks like this. Did a disgruntled and/or sickly kitchen employee drool on that plate? No, that's foam. It's supposed to be there. People pay for that.

It's getting to the point that I'm numb to the stupidity of others. Nothing surprises me. "Oh, some crazy bitch in Ohio attacked a McDonald's worker because she couldn't get McNuggets at 7 in the morning? Yeah, that sounds about right." 

You know where this is all leading, don't you? The election of Sarah Palin as President of the United States in 2012. The willfully ignorant, with their stunning self-righteousness and misplaced anger, are rising up to put the final nail in America's coffin. And of course, that coffin was Made in China.

"Oh, it'll never happen," you're saying to yourself. Really? You dare overestimate the intelligence of the American public? I'm resigning myself to at least 4 years of a Palin administration (2 if she quits to do a reality show). That way if it doesn't happen I'll be pleasantly surprised. 

But who will be Palin's running mate? There's a lady from Ohio who'll work for McNuggets.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Which shitty band will replace the shitty band?
I've written in the past of my hatred for the band and their smirking, untalented lead singer. I may or may not have publicly wished disembowelment on the lot of them. That guy fucked our eardrums so hard his dick looked like a Sugar Daddy. Well, a few months ago they were all fired. Does this mean that less than a year from now you'll be able to get a one-dollar rural rest stop handie from one of those guys? Yes. Yes it does.

Unfortunately, the parent company of is launching another website, brilliantly called, and they're going to choose a new band to promote their unethical business. They've narrowed it down to four groups willing to take a very public shit on the concept of art. 

I was going to individually break down each band, but why bother? They're all four a collection of twentywhatever douchebags who heard the call "Use your art to pimp a credit report company" and quickly answered "That sounds like a brilliant idea." The names of the bands, I Love Monsters, The Poets Dance, Evolove, and The Victorious Secrets, are uniformly putrid. One of them has a female lead singer, but they all dress like wannabe hipsters who are afraid to commit to being hipsters out of fear of being called hipsters.

I realize that "artistic integrity" is an antiquated term, like "quality workmanship" or "corporate responsibility", but unlike the first band - a bunch of actors put together for the purpose of those annoying commercials - these are working musical groups who actively submitted videos in hopes of being selected to be total whores. How can someone be in a band and hate music? Because really, you'd have to despise music to want to sing a fucking song about credit for a company with highly questionable business tactics. "Really? They fuck people in the ass on a daily basis? I want my band to be their face." 

I'm used to bands selling their work for a Volkswagen ad or to be teen drama background music as the protagonist finally kisses the hot girl next door. But this....this just seems like a new low. Am I wrong?