I go FJM on online dating profiles

As most of you know, I'm a fragile, lonely shell of a human being; so naturally I turn to online dating, the last refuge of the social scoundrel. I try it for a month or so, go on a few unremarkable dates, get flat-out rejected more times than I care to remember, and then stop again until loneliness/horniness makes me forget about the futility of it all.

Anyway, I'm sure a lot of these women are nice people and all, but I'm bored and bitter, so let's take down some excerpts, FJM-style. The authors will, of course, remain anonymous.

"I would enjoy a nice dinner out at somewhere like Proof on Main, Volare, Jeff Rubys, etc..."

Of course this golddigger picks three of the most expensive restaurants in town. Hey, you're meeting people on a FREE dating site. We don't even want to spend 20 bucks a month on match.com, and you want a gourmet meal on the first date? Kindly eat shit instead.

"Im not here for games . So if your here for games keep moving, find someone else. If I wish to play games, I have board game. Looking for a good man that likes kids and has a head on his shoulders,...and like I said not on here for games."

I don't think she's here for games, do you? Was it Shakespeare or Schneider from One Day at a Time who said "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"? As I've stated before, she wants games, just NOT YOURS. Her games are the Summer Olympics, your games are rec league at best. 

And as an adult, please learn the difference between "your" and "you're" and use them correctly.

"I like men that have a great sense of humor and lead a healthy lifestyle."

You can have one or the other, lady. Not a lot of guys cracking jokes while eating kelp and doing squat thrusts.

"I'm honest, probably to a fault......if you really don't want to know what I think, please don't ask. (That doesn't mean it's ok to message me and ask for my opinion...I don't freaking know you! Let's be grown-ups please.)"

Ok, let's translate this to English from its native Crazy Bitch. She is honest and will tell you her opinion, but don't even think of asking for it! She doesn't know you, man! I'm assuming you can ask her for a date, SINCE SHE'S ON A DATING SITE, but maybe I'm wrong.

-Note on dating profiles in general: why does every single woman on this particular site list "4 wheeling" as one of her interests? Really? That many women have a 4 wheel drive vehicle and just love driving over rough terrain? I call bullshit. 

"Girls are like apples the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy."

Ummm....ground apples. But really, did she read this off of a commemorative plate hanging in her great aunt's pantry? 

  

"I have 4 kids, all of whom live with me."

Only four? You need to step up the baby makin' if you want to achieve your goal of repopulating the Lost City of Atlantis. You can have sex without getting pregnant, you know.

"I have a criteria that the average man here just doesn't fall into. I dont feel I am better than anyone else I am just different and many men just do not interest me."

"None of you deadbeats are good enough for me, but it's not like I think I'm better than you..." There is nothing hotter than a 40-yr-old woman with ridiculous fake boobs and a bloated sense of self. I can tell just by reading her profile that she thinks she's smart and funny because guys who want to sleep with her tell her she's smart and funny. I'm guessing she's neither.

"GO CATS!"

Ugh, a University of Kentucky fan. Just the phrase "Go Cats" makes me shrivel up like a stack of dimes.

I'm sure male profiles are as bad or worse. Yeah, they're probably much worse; a bunch of shirtless Jersey Shoresque douchebags leaning against their Camaros, I'll bet. But I'm not doing the research. Someone else feel free.