Monday, February 28, 2011
Academy Awards
Oh Oscar, is there anything you can't do, other than produce a watchable telecast?

Before the show even starts, some jackass on the red carpet tells me who is going to win every single category. He's the Nostradamus of trivial concerns.

-Your hosts for the evening are James Franco (whose career peaked artistically with Freaks and Geeks, IMHO), and Anne Hathaway, who is kinda Picassoesque but ultimately adorable. How will they do? Only time will tell.

-Tom Hanks presents the Art Direction Award. You'd think being a two time Oscar winner would afford him the clout to present an award someone gives a fuck about.

-True Grit is the only one of these films I've seen, so I hope it wins something.

-I'm surprised that Kirk Douglas is still alive, frankly. I know he's Hollywood royalty and all, and God bless him, but I actually said out loud "Just give the damn award already!" when he presented Best Supporting Actress. Does that make me a bad person?

-Melissa Leo wins and says "Fuck" about something. She wasn't in True Grit so I really don't care.

-The pointless presenter banter seems more pointless and bantery this year.

-I'm glad Toy Story 3 won for Best Animated Feature. Sooner or later I'll actually see it.

-They need something more persuasive than orchestra music to get long-winded creative types off the stage. Drop a piano on the chatty fucks!

-Aaron Sorkin wins for Best Adapted Screenplay and he's as insufferable as I thought he'd be. It was like reliving an episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and no one deserves that.

-The guy who won Best Original Screenplay, on the other hand, was funny, humble, and rather brief. See, IT CAN BE DONE.

-Best Supporting Actor goes to Christian Bale. He stole his beard from Young Kris Kringle in Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Yeah, I just dropped a Rankin/Bass reference.

-Trent Reznor wins an Academy Award. The guy who sang "I want to fuck you like an animal" has an Oscar. And with that, another nail is driven into the cultural coffin that is the 1990s.

-Ok, so Mandy Moore doesn't have the world's strongest voice. However, unlike Britney Spears, she doesn't allow herself to be photographed wearing a gravy-stained tube top.

-James Franco seems disinterested in the proceedings. He's probably thinking about the hot chicks he can't plow until the show ends.

-Aaaah! A cameo from the ghostly visage of Bob Hope! If you're going to use special effects to make Bob Hope appear on stage, have him introduce the montage of people who've died this year. That would be really creepy.

-I'm pretty sure "Florence" is really Andy Dick in drag.

-Sad Music + Celine Dion = Dead Celebrities. You can bank on that.

-Tom Hooper wins for Best Director. Not as hot as last year's winner...

-Louisville's Own Jennifer Lawrence (I've read that description of her so many times I'm almost convinced it's her full name) is up for Best Actress for -huh huh- Winter's Bone -huh huh; but she loses to Natalie Portman. I think as punishment for her awful performances in the Star Wars prequels Natalie should be disqualified from any and all professional accolades.

-I guess Anne Hathaway was trying to make up for James Franco being in a coma by acting giddy. Annoyingly giddy. To paraphrase Chris Rock, "I wouldn't hit her because she's a woman, but I'd shake the shit out of her."

-Colin Firth wins Best Actor for a performance in a film I'll never see.

-The King's Speech....Best Picture....blah blah blah. I'm afraid to see this movie. I'm afraid it'll be one of those unwatchable British films the academy loves so much. Didn't The English Patient win Best Picture one year? And what a festering pile of shit that was.

-Regardless of what I think about the film, you don't "play off" the people who just won Best Picture. If you're worried about time, cut some of the times James Franco was forced to pretend to want to be there. Or cut some of Anne Hathaway's death prattle. 

-True Grit didn't win a damn thing. 

-They let a group of fifth graders sing "Over the Rainbow". Should have gotten midgets instead.


I'm so glad you watch these "shows" so I don't have to. I wouldn't be able to tolerate it for 5 minutes. Far more amusing to come here.

Midgets would have been funny!

Blogger Lydia La La said...

So Todd. tell is what's happening in your life now.. keep us up to date, please. I miss your sharp wit and sarcasm. hugs for you.

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