Thursday, June 24, 2010
Live Blogging the NBA Draft...Again
Last year I live blogged the NBA draft, and let me tell you...NO ONE CARED. I didn't even care, and I wrote the fucking thing. But I just got off work and I'm bored and broke, so here we go again.

Let me start out by saying I'm tired of hearing about LeBron James and where he'll make hundreds of millions of dollars for the next few years. Yeah, he's great and all, but he's won as many championships as my fat ass.

Last year a lot of picks were wasted on foreign players who may not leave their countries for several years. Will the trend continue this year? Gosh, I hope so.

1. Washington Wizards - John Wall, University of Kentucky
I should hate John Wall since he played at Kentucky, but I just don't have it in me. He seems ok. He just bought his mom a house and he never punched any University of Louisville players in the head, unlike Demarcus Cousins.

2. Philadelphia 76ers - Evan Turner, Ohio State University
Another guy I don't hate. This is comedy poison!!!

3. New Jersey Nets - Derrick Favors, Georgia Tech
Huh...someone just said this guy has "great length". If Jay Bilas says "Yeah, but what about his girth?" my head will explode.

4. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wesley Johnson, Syracuse
He played for Syracuse, so he can eat a bag of cocks.

5. Sacramento Kings - Demarcus Cousins, Douchebag from University of Kentucky
Seriously, fuck this clown. He didn't punch NBA commissioner David Stern on the way to the podium, so maybe our little thug is growing up.

6. Golden State Warriors - Ekpe Udoh, Baylor University
"Ekpe Udoh" is the sound you make when you get punched in the stomach.

7. Detroit Pistons - Greg Monroe, Georgetown
Greg is from New Orleans and was displaced by Hurricane Katrina. Now he's going to Detroit. From one disaster area to another...

8. Los Angeles Clippers - Al-Farouq Aminu, Wake Forest
Getting drafted by the Clippers equals being cursed. You could desecrate an Indian burial ground and not be as cursed as the poor bastard who gets drafted by the Clippers.

9. Utah Jazz - Gordon Hayward, Butler University
Hey, Utah drafts a white guy. Big surprise. 

10. Indiana Pacers - Paul George, Fresno State
What, was John Ringo unavailable? That was a Beatles joke, kids. The Beatles were overrated, by the way.

11. Charlotte Hornets - Cole Aldrich, Kansas
I bet he eats at Sonic a lot. I can see Cole punishing a large order of tater tots.

12. Memphis Grizzles - Xavier Henry, Kansas
He pronounces his name "Za Vee Aay". In other words, he's a giant pussy.

13. Toronto Raptors - Ed Davis, North Carolina
Enjoy paying Canadian taxes, Ed. 

14. Houston Rockets - Patrick Patterson, University of Kentucky
Another Kentucky player I don't hate. I'm losing my edge. Someone hurry up and draft that semi-literate asshole Eric Bledsoe. 

15. Milwaukee Bucks - Larry Sanders, Virginia Commonwealth 
Did the Bucks just draft this guy?

16. Minnesota Timberwolves - Luke Babbit, Nevada
Did the Timberwolves just draft these guys? BABBIT!!!

17. Chicago Bulls - Kevin Seraphin, France
Finally, a foreign player no one has heard of! He's French, so expect him to soon lead the league in unconditional surrenders.

And now they say he won't be coming over for a few years. Of course not. Why would you draft someone who can actually help your team this decade?

18. Oklahoma City Thunder - Eric Bledsoe, University of Kentucky
The NCAA is investigating Bledsoe because they don't think he was smart enough to legitimately finish high school. And now he's a millionaire. Enjoy getting up early and going to work tomorrow, everyone!

19. Boston Celtics - Avery Bradley, Texas
Hey, you guys lost to the Lakers! Suck on that, Beantown!

20. San Antonio Spurs - James Anderson, Oklahoma State
I really don't know anything about this guy, but the Spurs always make good decisions, so I'm sure he'll do just fine.

Oh...hahahahaha! Eric Bledsoe just got traded to the Clippers. He shouldn't have skull-fucked the remains of Geronimo the other night. Hahahahahaha!

21. Oklahoma City Thunder - Craig Brackins, Iowa State
I have no idea who this is and he doesn't even have a funny name. Fuck off, Brackins! You are draft live blog dead weight!!

22. Portland Trailblazers - Elliot Williams, Memphis State
According to Jay Bilas, he's "the best pro prospect in Conference USA" to which America responds "la-de-fucking-da".

23. Minnesota Timberwolves - Trevor Booker, Clemson
On a completely unrelated note, I'd like to punch Jonah Hill in the face. 

24. Atlanta Hawks - Damion James, Texas
You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

25. Memphis Grizzlies - Dominique Jones, South Florida
Louisville usually beats the crap out of South Florida in basketball, so I've seen Dominique Jones get lots of meaningless garbage time baskets. He's perfect for the NBA.

26. Oklahoma City Thunder - Quincy Pondexter, I forget where he went to college and I'm too disinterested to find out...
I loved Quincy Pondexter in Revenge of the Nerds.

27. New Jersey Nets - Jordan Crawford, Xavier University
In a pickup game last summer, he dunked on LeBron like it was the fourth quarter of a game that mattered. In other words, LeBron was useless.

28. Memphis Grizzles - Greivis Vasquez, Maryland
I like this guy. He sat in the crowd and went crazy when he got picked. He brought his whole family, too. All of 'em. And he gave David Stern a lusty embrace. Solid performance all around.

29. Orlando Magic - Daniel Orton, University of Kentucky
If you're counting at home, that's FIVE players from Kentucky in the first round. And they didn't even make the Final Four last year. Nice going Calipari, you dick.

30. Washington Wizards - Lazar Hayward, Marquette 
And it finally ends. Not as many wacky foreigners as last year. I'm a little disappointed to be honest.

Monday, June 21, 2010
The song of my generation?
We have a relatively new radio station in town that calls itself "Gen X Radio". Chronologically, I am a member of the meaningless subcategory called Generation X. True, I am on the older side of the Gen X chart, but I am still lumped into this demographic whenever someone wants to sell me a pair of shoes endorsed by the ghost of Kurt Cobain

After years of driving an old Acura that didn't have a working radio, I am happy to report that my Toyota Corolla has a radio and a CD player, thus thrusting me into the latter part of the 20th Century.

Ok, here's the part where I tie the above paragraphs together. Almost every single time I change a CD in my car, the Gen X radio station is playing "C'mon Ride the Train" by the Quad City DJs. Apparently this is the song that defines my generation.

You want lyrics? I don't think you can handle these lyrics!

Come on ride the train hey ride it woo woo
Come on ride the train hey ride it woo woo
Come on ride the train woo woo hey
Ride it woo woo
Come on ride the train
Woo woo hey ride it woo woo
Come on ride the train
It's the choo choo ride it woo woo
Come on ride the train it's the choo choo train
Come on ride the train it's the choo choo
Ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, it's the choo choo train

Really? They don't even play this shit at weddings anymore. I think this is all just a prank from an employee of the station. 

"Let's see how many times a day we can play 'C'mon Ride the Train'."

"Dude, they don't even play that shit at weddings anymore."

I can't wait until the limited edition "C'mon Ride the Train" Converse comes out.

Friday, June 11, 2010
Michael Jordon has a Hitler 'stache

As this recent photo shows, greatest basketball player ever and known asshole Michael Jordan now sports a Hitler mustache. 

The last time we saw Michael in public, he was using his Hall of Fame speech to berate every person who ever slighted him in the least. I guess he thought the only way to top that was to grow facial hair that reminds folks of history's most horrific despot. This is really disturbing, but I have a few thoughts on the subject...

  1. White supremacists aren't usually very bright, so I'm sure the sight of a black guy with Hitler's mustache is really fucking with their heads. Rand Paul is probably harelipped by now.
  2. You know you're rich and famous when not one of your close friends has the balls to tell you "Dude, you can not leave the house like that. You have a Hitler."
  3. Michael Jordan basically popularized the whole "shaved head as fashion statement" thing. Good thing he's retired or we'd be balls deep in the most annoying trend since men's capris.

What's next, Michael? Pol Pot's haircut? Idi Amin's military uniform? Uncle Jonathan's corn cob pipe? It boggles the mind.

Monday, June 07, 2010
Hey Right-to-Lifers, MTV just broadcast an abortion!
I decided to watch The MTV Movie Awards in part because they're being hosted by "Indian Matt", and that's about as close as I'm ever going to get to having a friend on national television.

Wow, what a fucking stupid reason to watch this steaming pile of demon afterbirth.

Aziz Ansari's opening monologue was pretty good, mainly because he made fun of Twilight. He wasn't in it much after that, and good for him, because it may have been the worst thing ever televised. Saddam Hussein's hanging was a better production.

-Justin Bieber's popularity means only one thing: Twelve-year-old girls are given too much freedom in today's society. Can we imprison them until their tastes in music improve? Until then, their tiny hands can make our sneakers and hoodies as part of my "Buy American" program. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

-Why is David Spade and his smarm allowed on my television screen? Shut up and rape Chris Farley's corpse some more, you talentless gnome. 

-One day in the distant future an old man will be watching an awards show with his grandson and a young actress will accept a statue with beauty and grace. The old man will sneer and say, "In my day the actresses were twitchy and uncomfortable in their own skin, like Kristen Stewart!" 

Kristen wins for Best Female Performance, by the way.

-From now on I'll be referring to the trio of Jonah Hill, Russell Brand, and Sean P. Diddy Combs as "Fat Douche", "Foreign Douche", and "King Douche". You thought I was going to call P. Diddy "Black Douche" didn't you? Don't be silly...Jamie Foxx is "Black Douche".

-Breakthrough Performance goes to Anna Kendrick. I don't know who she is, but she's hot. King Douche agrees, as he tries to grope her on stage. 

-At various points during the show there are some really unfunny skits that I'm not going to try to explain. They are all equally terrible and represent a tragic waste of the human spirit.

-Amanda Seyfried looks really good winning something.

-At first I thought Best Kiss went to Twilight's Robert Pattinson making out with a dude, but it turns out he's kissing Kristen Stewart's twitchy, anorexic face. When they accept the award, they have zero chemistry together despite the fact that they date in real life. How is that even possible?

-Katy Perry isn't much of a singer, but in her defense she has really impressive breasts. She warbles a song about California (how original) and then Snoop Dogg comes out to put another several thousand miles between himself and street cred.

Seriously, I like Snoop, but will he rap with anyone about anything? Snoop would rap the Koran at Bin Laden's cave if enough money was involved. What the fuck happened to the old gangsta rappers? Dr. Dre does a Dr. Pepper commercial. Ice Cube is starring in PG movies and has a show on TBS. He's like a less gay Tyler Perry. 

-Bradley Cooper, Betty White, and Scarlett Johansson present an honorary "Sorry Your Nazi Fetishist Husband Stuck It In Everything With a Pulse" lifetime achievement award to Sandra Bullock. Sandra announces that, contrary to tabloid rumors, she has not gone weeks without bathing; and in fact takes two showers a day. And yet the smell of white supremacist cock remains...

-Michael Cera, two cute but possibly underage chicks, and Macauly Culkin's little brother present Best WTF Moment to Ken Jeong, the little naked Asian guy from Hangover. This will be the only award I approve of the entire evening.

-Only on MTV can someone from a Harry Potter movie beat the Nazi from Inglourious Basterds for Best Villain. Anyway, his name is Tom Felton and when he kisses presenter Eva Mendes SHE VISIBLY WINCES. Nice move, Dungeon Master.

-Throughout the program, MTV keeps showing promos for a new show about a nerdy kid with a gigantic dick. Yes, you read that correctly. I think the show's called My Super Sweet Sixteen Inches, or maybe not.

-I'll bet you're wondering who won Biggest Badass Star, aren't you? A guy named Rain. No really, that's his full name. Rain. He's an Asian kid with an emo haircut and one fucking name. According to Wikipedia (the lazy writer's reference Bible), Rain is a singer, actor, and dancer. Pussified America, you have your Badass.

-Hey, Twilight wins something else. Let me just cut to the chase and tell you right now that Twilight wins everything. I've never seen any of those wretched movies but allow me to summarize based on clips I've seen: Bella, played by Kristen Stewart in all of her twitchy, awkward, anorexic glory, must choose between a sickeningly pale guy who becomes a vampire and a douchey Abercrombie guy who becomes a werewolf. And those are her only two options. She can't date a normal human boy because of her smelly vagina, it seems.

Is it wrong to suggest that we turn all of the theaters showing Twilight into makeshift gas chambers? Hey, I don't want any Holocaust flashbacks, so if you want to just shoot them all, I'm cool with that too.

-Jessica Alba, thank you for being you.

-Christina Aguilera performs and once the song is over, her vag lights up. A heart shaped light starts glowing right on her crotch. I'm guessing it's a VD Detector. 

-Zack Galifianakis wins Best Comedic Performance, but the entire thing is ruined by yet another terrible skit. If you're going to win an award called Best Comedic Performance it would help if you weren't in a skit that's not very funny.

-This blog, which started out in 2005 as Viva Las Vegass, has been a miserable and complete failure. Every inane word has been written in vain. Why do I say this? BECAUSE TOM CRUISE IS STILL A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STAR!!! Doesn't the world know that every penny given to this clown goes to indoctrinate the weak-minded into his science fiction religion? I give up.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010
The strange allure of mediocre lager beers
Let me let you all in on a little secret: a watery lager from India tastes exactly like a watery lager from every other country on earth, but customers always want their favorite, and will accept no substitute. A lot of the appeal has to do with the circumstances of where the lager was consumed, not its actual taste. 

Some guy is in the Caribbean sitting on a beach getting a blowjob from an Island girl (who he doesn't know is actually a tranny) and maybe he's enjoying a beer. That's going to be one good tasting beer, at least in his mind. 

Or some other guy goes to a small liberal arts college in the upper Midwest. He goes to a party and gets a blowjob from a busty coed (who he doesn't know is actually a tranny). He'll have fond memories of the cheap local lager he's been swilling all semester. 

I had a customer the other day who wanted to know if we could circumvent the three tiered distribution system in order to obtain his favorite swill lager, which he discovered on vacation in Brazil. No, I told him, we were not willing to break Federal law to sell him an eight dollar six pack of beer. He closed by saying, "Man, this stuff is great. I like it a lot better than Bud Light."

Almost every beer we sell is, in its own way, better than Bud Light. In fact, allow me to piss in a cup I found on the street. Just because I have at some point in my life consumed good beer, my urine will taste better than Bud Light. You don't have to illegally import beer from Brazil to achieve such a modest goal.