Sunday, February 21, 2010
'Corky's Wife' 1, Sarah Palin 0
So apparently last week on Family Guy, Chris, the large, oafish son of the Griffin clan, began dating a girl with Down's Syndrome. When he asked her what her parents did, she replied "My dad is an accountant and my mom is the former governor of Alaska."

Of course, Sarah Palin got her "you betchas" all in a knot and went on an Immediate Outrage Tour of any media outlet that respects her. In other words, talk radio and Fox News.

Unbeknownst to Sarah and her reactionary minions, the role of Chris's girlfriend was voiced by Andrea Fay Friedman, an actress who actually has Down's Syndrome. Back in the day, she was Corky's wife on Life Goes On. That explains the title of this post. What, you think I just walk around calling all females with Down's Syndrome "Corky's wife"? What kind of a monster do you think I am?

Ms. Friedman issued a statement, most of which was released by the mainstream media, which included:

"I guess former Governor Palin does not have a sense of humor. I thought the line 'I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska' was very funny."

However, most news outlets left out the best part, which is as follows:

"In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes."

HOLY SHIT! That's the best. burn. ever. I like how she said "French bread", knowing how much Sarah hates those socialist Frenchies. See, if I say that, I'm an insensitive asshole; but when a lady with Down's Syndrome says it, it's just the fucking TRUTH. Honestly, that comment is so perfect I jizzed my pants the first time I read it. Yeah, jizzed my pants. I'm not ashamed.

My one hope is that Trig eventually escapes the evil clutches of his mother and grows up to become as well-adjusted and viciously witty as Andrea Fay Friedman.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010
This is almost like blogging...
-Whenever I write a post as bleak and self-loathing as that last one, I usually try to quickly follow it up with something light, kind of to let people know I haven't killed myself or am a current resident at the Rubber Sheraton. I'm feeling better, but over a week has passed since I went all emo on your collective ass, and I can't think of anything to write about at length. So, you're getting some half-assed random items, because apparently that's how I roll.

-Last week some kind of farmer convention was in town. Louisville gets a lot of farmer stuff since it's a semi-big city close to agricultural areas. This town doesn't overwhelm Farmer Bob like Chicago would, and we have better titty bars than Indianapolis, so the farmers are going to keep coming here. This means that area bartenders, servers and hotel workers can look forward at least a few times a year to large, demanding crowds that don't tip. And I get to hear "We ain't got no liquor stores like this back home" as some guy buys the same 12-pack of Bud Light he could get at any gas station in America.

-Anyone else fucking TIRED of winter? The city has done a pretty good job of clearing the roads these past few times, but I'm sick of snow. It isn't pretty anymore. It's filthy and mud-strewn, as if my neighborhood was covered in Courtney Love.

-Facebook is killing me lately. I don't mind status updates; yes, they are often mundane, but sometimes I'll get some useful information from them. But do I have to know that someone just bought a two-headed dildo in Porntown? Do I care that someone I barely know just befriended someone I don't know at all? "Can this Bottle of Warm Urine Wearing a Little Dutch Boy Outfit Get More Fans than Maroon 5?" It's a bit much there, Facebook.

-Is it possible to delete a myspace profile? Do you have to run into Tom at the mall and ask him personally? Since I'm not in a band nor am I involved in the sex trade industry, I have no use for myspace. Seriously, when myspace eventually folds, how will 13-yr-old girls pretending to be 18 and 35-yr-old men pretending to be 18 spend their time?

Monday, February 08, 2010
Fuck off, Brief Glimpses of False Hope
I was talking to a friend online today, and we were both wondering just why the fuck we're both occasionally optimistic about our lives. Why do we set ourselves up for the inevitable gut punch?

I blame Brief Glimpses of False Hope. They confuse me; they make me think life actually has true meaning, that I won't die miserable and alone, when I know damn well what's in store for me.

For example, why why why do I always develop stupid teenage-like crushes on women who have absolutely no romantic interest in me? Because I meet so few people I can stand that when I finally do I kind of fall for them? Maybe. But this needs to stop, because it's fucking killing me inside. This is the entire process:

-Hey, she's cool and laughs at my jokes and isn't a goddamn hillbilly. Awesome.

-Shit, she's all I think about.

-I'm nothing more than a clown to her. Now I'm so depressed I can barely function.

-Hey, this new person is cool and laughs at my jokes and isn't a goddamn hillbilly. Awesome.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

This is an overshare, isn't it? This isn't something I should be blogging about. I should stick to hating Jay Leno and Sarah Palin and reviewing award shows at length. But I can't even write lately because I'm an empty shell of a human being. Jesus, I sound Emo now. That's all I need!

The only things that make me feel better are food and alcohol, but since no one loves a fat drunk, these are but temporary solutions to my problem.

Don't worry about me, though. A Brief Glimpse of False Hope will come around soon and I'll stupidly think things will be different.

Then they won't be different. I'm already bracing for the gut punch. Each punch hurts a little more than the previous one.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Obama has a problem with Vegass
NOTE: The following criticism is not an open invitation for conservatives to write "Ha, we told you so. Obama is a Communist/terrorist/double dipper/poor tipper/baby killer/pill popper/obstructionist/rabble rouser/not nice guy." This is about one specific thing he said. I have a problem with part of it, so I'm going to vent. That is all.

A few days ago President Obama said in a speech, "When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don't blow a bunch of cash in Vegas when you're trying to save for college. You prioritize. You make tough choices."

Of course this is true on the surface. I'd love to have a big screen TV and a mac notebook, but I can't afford them. And nobody should blow the college fund on the Wheel of Fortune slot. However, this is the second time the Prez has singled out Las Vegas as a place you shouldn't spend your hard earned money. Since the Las Vegas economy is in the shitter and I still have friends and family who live there, I take offense at his selective criticism.

Is the President suggesting no one take vacations? Is he a fan of workplace violence? Because there would be a spike of "Bob from the mail room" shooting the place up if people stopped taking breaks from their shitty everyday lives. Or, as it seems, does he just have a problem with Las Vegas? A dollar spent in Generic Tourist Trap, USA is as "lost" as a dollar spent in Vegas, right?

To counteract Obama's bias in this matter, I'd like to suggest reasons why people shouldn't spend their money in tourist destinations across the country. Because, you know, the two of us have equal influence among the citizenry.

In a tough global economy you need to keep your kids grounded in stark reality. Seriously, they don't need to think life is a never-ending parade lead by a giant, effeminate mouse.

Branson, Missouri
This town is responsible for the continued success of Andy Williams and Yakov Smirnoff. You know who likes Branson? Your annoying aunt, the one who collects Thomas Kinkade paintings and gave you a Sarah Palin commemorative plate for Christmas.

Southern California
Perfect weather, beautiful women...uh, what was my point again? Oh yeah...don't visit because they elected Ahnuld governor...TWICE!

New York City
On January 1, 2010, an important milestone occurred. It officially became acceptable to once again actively dislike New York. Yes, you heard it here first. These are the people who RUINED clam chowder; and the city has rats the size of Shetland Ponies.

It still is NOT acceptable to actively dislike New Orleans, so GO SAINTS!!!

Any ski lodge
Do you really want to hang out in an overpriced log cabin with a bunch of trust fund kids who listen to Vampire Weekend and have twenty different North Face jackets? You do? Eat shit.

Louisville, KY
People only come to Louisville for one reason: The Kentucky Derby. It's usually East Coast frat types who briefly turn our sleepy river town into an episode of Jersey Shore. Come if you will, but know this: We'll smile, turn our accents up a notch to patronize your condescending notion of "Southern Hospitality", and gladly take your money; but we hate you. Really, we hate your fucking guts. If you all die in our gutters we'll coldly sweep your collective remains into the Ohio River and you'll be replaced by a new group of assholes next year. Uh...I mean, "Come on back and see us, y'all!"