Sunday, May 01, 2005
Things to Do in Vegas When You're Dead Broke
Due to poor career management - I never chose one - I'm usually short on cash. Here are a few ideas to kill time if you ever find yourself in Las Vegas without a lot of scritty.
Note: Some of these suggestions can be used in your hometown, too.

The Gold Rush
This is a dank, pit stain of a casino, but if you're hungry between the hours of midnight and six a.m. you've just found your favorite coffee shop. During that time, you can get a steak and egg breakfast complete with hash browns and toast for $1.99. Warning: If you ask for a copy of their health department inspection, a guy named "Puddin'" will come out from the kitchen and punch you in the face.

Fun at Target
Simply don a red polo and khaki pants and wander around your local Target store. Confused customers will think you work there and that's when the hilarity ensues. There's nothing more satisfying than giving someone poor customer service with no fear of retribution.
Customer: "Can I ask you a question?"
Me: "You just did."
C: "Listen, I..."
Me, interrupting: "You must think today's douchebag day. It's not. It's not douchebag day."
C: "I want to speak to your manager!!"
Me: "I am the manager. I own this fucking place. Get your sweatpants wearin' ass out of my store before I call security."

Soap the Bellagio Fountains
I've never tried this because I don't want to spend several years in prison, but it would be cool if someone did it. There's got to be one daredevil out there. I know it would take a hell of a lot of Mr. Bubble.

Sneak In
To avoid the twenty buck cover and long lines, stand near the VIP entrance to a club. When a large group goes in, go in with them. This will be a lot easier if you aren't 6'6".

Smart Bet
Go to a casino's sports booking lounge and place a small wager on the event of your choice; or better yet bring an old losing ticket with you. Sit in front of the wall of video screens, clutching your ticket and screaming occasionally. You will drink free for as long as you want. But if you don't tip a dollar per drink the karma dogs will rip your flesh off.

People Watch
It doesn't cost a dime to stare at others. If walking down Las Vegas Boulevard intimidates you,'re a pussy. No really, just go inside to the Forum Shops at Caesar's Palace.

I hope this helps. Okay, that's a lie. I don't care if it helps or not. I didn't take you to raise.


Blogger Heather said...

I can see you doing the Target bit.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go to the Las Vegas Lounge

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