I spent last weekend in Las Vegas. For the uninitiated, I lived in the Vegas area for over three-and-a-half years. In that time I learned some things about Sin City. Some of those things were quite troubling and still scar me to this very day.
"He who forgets the past is doomed to repeat it." I forget who said that (maybe it was Schneider from One Day at a Time), but they were right for once. So here are a few things I won't soon forget:
There may be a place on Earth where more women show more cleavage than in Las Vegas, but it's probably a place that has an alarming mortality rate and several strains of near-fatal dysentery. Whereas in Vegas, if you stay away from the high crime areas Northeast of the Strip, the only thing that'll die are your dreams.
Every minute of every day on every road is the mall on the day after Thanksgiving. That's all you need to know.
They don't build billion-dollar casinos by letting some biscuit-fed honky like me take any of their money. But I did discover something at the Bellagio: I can drink three free Maker's and Cokes, which would normally cost $10 each, in the time it takes me to piss away $2o playing video poker. See, so I'm up ten bucks, although the cost to my liver is probably immeasurable.
Gambling, Part 2
The slot machine is the Devil's surrogate. It does His nefarious bidding. Honestly, slot machines are crack for middle-aged and elderly white folk. Pretty soon, as more and more states allow gaming, the suburbs will be filled with strung-out crackers giving head for a roll of tokens.
Are there any more beautiful words in the English language than "all-you-can-eat"? Not if you're a fat guy, there aren't. Having lived in Vegas, and being a fat guy and all, I've seen a few buffets in my time. Now, please forgive me, for I'm about to make a SWEEPING RACIAL GENERALIZATION. I usually avoid the SRG because I know most of them are completely false. For instance, my friend Wu is a black guy who can't dance. However, and I say this without hesitation, ASIANS LOVE BUFFETS. There, I said it and I'm glad I said it! If I could open a buffet that also sold Ralph Lauren clothing, I'd be rich; and I'd have the Asians to thank for my wealth.