I spent last weekend in Las Vegas. For the uninitiated, I lived in the Vegas area for over three-and-a-half years. In that time I learned some things about Sin City. Some of those things were quite troubling and still scar me to this very day.
"He who forgets the past is doomed to repeat it." I forget who said that (maybe it was Schneider from One Day at a Time), but they were right for once. So here are a few things I won't soon forget:
Boobs
There may be a place on Earth where more women show more cleavage than in Las Vegas, but it's probably a place that has an alarming mortality rate and several strains of near-fatal dysentery. Whereas in Vegas, if you stay away from the high crime areas Northeast of the Strip, the only thing that'll die are your dreams.
Traffic
Every minute of every day on every road is the mall on the day after Thanksgiving. That's all you need to know.
Gambling
They don't build billion-dollar casinos by letting some biscuit-fed honky like me take any of their money. But I did discover something at the Bellagio: I can drink three free Maker's and Cokes, which would normally cost $10 each, in the time it takes me to piss away $2o playing video poker. See, so I'm up ten bucks, although the cost to my liver is probably immeasurable.
Gambling, Part 2
The slot machine is the Devil's surrogate. It does His nefarious bidding. Honestly, slot machines are crack for middle-aged and elderly white folk. Pretty soon, as more and more states allow gaming, the suburbs will be filled with strung-out crackers giving head for a roll of tokens.
Buffets
Are there any more beautiful words in the English language than "all-you-can-eat"? Not if you're a fat guy, there aren't. Having lived in Vegas, and being a fat guy and all, I've seen a few buffets in my time. Now, please forgive me, for I'm about to make a SWEEPING RACIAL GENERALIZATION. I usually avoid the SRG because I know most of them are completely false. For instance, my friend Wu is a black guy who can't dance. However, and I say this without hesitation, ASIANS LOVE BUFFETS. There, I said it and I'm glad I said it! If I could open a buffet that also sold Ralph Lauren clothing, I'd be rich; and I'd have the Asians to thank for my wealth.
12 Comments:
I really admire people who can go back three or four times to a buffet. I try, but always blow out after my first plate.
I think it's about pacing oneself.
What's your buffet strategy Mr Vegass?
But how was the trip?
I had really good luck on the Slots when I was in Vegas. I spent maybe 5 bucks in quarters and won like a 130 bucks. Then I cashed the fuck out and went to a buffet.
Your friend Wu is black?
I love people at the buffet piling their plate like the leaning tower of Pisa. I guess they are afraid that a greater glutton than themself is going to come along and eat everything before they get back for their seconds.
All five of those things can be found in nauseating abundance here in sunny South Florida.
I can't wait to leave.
You're right- my son is only half Asian (my ex's half) and he loves buffets. But what the hell am I saying? I'm as white as they come and I love them too.
Well done, Nick!
There may be a place on Earth where more women show more cleavage than in Las Vegas...
Yes. My house. Care to visit sometime?
i LOVE buffets.
i am a fat man, and also asian.
steph,
I usually eat much less than the tapeworm-addled skinny people at nearby tables. My strategy is to eat expensive items, such as prime rib and crab legs.
kat,
it was a good trip.
nick,
that is a brilliant and rarely-used maneuver.
ubie,
yes, or a master of disguise.
tracy,
I take several small plates. I don't like to pile everything on. It gives the food a pig through feel.
brooke,
and I never got to visit you.
johnny,
I was mainly referring to tourists from Asian countries. Hell, I'm almost albino and I love the buffets.
tits,
of course I'll visit. When is your husband out of town?
kendra,
I knew it. I think the giveaway was when you wrote "I'm going back to my native Tokyo to have liposuction and an operation on my penis."
Come and visit New England I will take you here.
Then we can drive up and visit Tits.
Oh, honey, you don't know boobs, boobs everywhere until you've been to South Beach. I don't even remember what a fully clothed woman looks like. And while we don't have any buffets, you can enjoy a $20 hamburger sitting next to a woman wearing only a thong bikini.
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