Monday, May 07, 2007
I wasn't going to post again until right before my Vegas mini-vacation this weekend, but something happened in my hometown last week that I feel I need to address.

OJ Simpson was in town for the Kentucky Derby. That's OJ at Churchill Downs, surrounded by a gaggle of douchey-looking frat types who seem thrilled to be in the presence of a man who almost cut his wife's fucking head off.

OJ was all around Louisville last week. He gave his Derby prediction to the local newspaper (his horse, Tiago, finished seventh, leading the ghost of Johnny Cochran to quip "His brains are scrambled, he shouldn't have gambled"). Later in the week he continued his painstaking search for the "real killers" of Ron and Nicole by playing a round of golf at an exclusive private course.

On top of that, a friend of mine saw him eating dinner at the new Basa Modern Vietnamese Restaurant. Another rumor had him feasting on nuevo-Latin cuisine at Seviche. Okay, now that pisses me off! I don't care about horse racing or golf, but it really bothers me that a man who owes Fred Goldman millions of dollars from a civil suit can waltz into my hometown and eat lavish meals that I can't afford! Hey, I'm no angel, and yes, I know if I want to be able to go to a restaurant and order macadamia encrusted sea bass with cranberry-scallion cous cous and passion fruit sauce I could apply myself and get a better-paying job, BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT A DOUBLE MURDERER!!!

Doesn't not being a double murderer count for anything these days? Shouldn't it get me a lousy half-order of the god damn rocoto chile-rubbed shrimp with horseradish chimichirri and jicima salsa?!? I'm sure OJ was popping those shrimp down his biscuit-hole like they were jellybeans. And not Jelly Bellys either, but those cheap kind you get at Walgreen's. Fuck him. He should choke on a shrimp and someone should cut it out of his throat with a giant butcher knife.

I realize OJ was found not guilty by twelve people who think DNA evidence is the devil's business, but I don't believe he should be afforded the same rights as non-killing citizenry. Every time that piece of shit sits down to an expensive meal or tees off at a country club golf course it's a slap in the face to the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown. "Hey, look America! Fred Goldman has never received a penny from me and right now a Brazilian supermodel is rubbing Beluga caviar all over my taint."

At the very least, OJ Simpson should be denied a table at a popular restaurant during this city's busiest week. Is that too much to ask?

"Yes, we have a table for six available, but it's in the non-murderer section. Sorry."

"Yes, Mr. Simpson, we have you down for a nine a.m. tee time, but I'm afraid you'll have to use Nerf golf clubs. Yes that's right, golf clubs made of foam rubber. We can't have you losing your mind and bashing in the skulls of our valued customers."

He already got away with murder. Does he have to benefit from it?


Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

He's so smug. That's the worst part.

Blogger Tracy said...

Hey, I hope someone rubbed his dinner on THEIR taint before they served it to him.

I hate frat boys. Useless wastes of oxygen and perfectly good, harvestable organs.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

I'm going to be in Vegas this weekend too!!!! I'll out an aboot with Claudia...maybe we'll end up at the same strip club. No comment about the post, I was so excited to see you were going to be in Vegas that I didn't even read it.

Blogger Liv said...

Ahahahah I'm dying. "Its in the non-murdering section, sorry."

I love you Todd. Don't get a stranger we all miss you!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

unfortunately that's the justice system for us. he sucks.

At long last we agree on something. That piece of garbage should be repeatedly raped with a splintered broom stick. When that asshole eventually dies, I pray that a band of necro's defile every hole on his dead body.

Blogger Sysm said...

I concur.

The civil trial found him "responsible" for the murders.

Good enough for me.

Might I suggest a letter to the editor of the Courier-Journal? Challenge the businesses. These businesses got press for hosting a murderer.

Call them on it.

(Maybe they'll send you a gift certificate to placate you)

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I couldn't agree with you more. And Ubermilf is right.....the smugness from him kills me.

p.s. I don't care what brought you back.......I'm just glad you are!

Blogger Shelly said...

How does that smug shit still have so much money to spend? Has he paid anything to Fred Goldman?

Glad you're back, though! : )

Blogger miss kendra said...

sysm is awesome. get gift certificates and go eat some chimichirri passion fruit stuff.

also, oj sucks.

also also i for sure would like a table in the non-murderer section.

Blogger MsHellion said...

At least one Louisville business owner had the balls to do th right thing. Check this out.

Blogger Blonde said...

As a former server who abused the food her asshole customers where about to inhale...I would have done nasty ass things to food being served to OJ. He is a waste.

Have a safe trip to Vegas!!!!

Blogger Sysm said...


Jeff Ruby is my hero.

That made me SO happy.

Awww... the rewards of turning your ex-wife and a waiter into Pez dispensers.

Blogger Melissa said...

My one hope is that the chef flicked a huge booger into the asshat's plate before sending it out to him.

I envy your Vegas adventure. I went three years ago with some of my co-workers and loved it. Hope you have a blast, Toddness. :)

Blogger Tits McGee said...

You deserve a fucking award for that post, Todd.

I sooooooo heart you.

And go Jack Ruby!

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

OJ's taint...

(Tracy was probably right)

Blogger Kikhwa said...

What's a taint?

Blogger katarina said...

Think positive.
Maybe they only let him in to poison him.
Or maybe he'll get an incredibly
painful case of diarrhea.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

It looks like you got your wish: Jeff Ruby refused to serve the Juice at his steakhouse. Now OJ is going to sue ... this will only get better with time!!

horseradish chimichirri...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that made from the preserved monkey flesh of Chim-Chim, the troublesome pet of Speed Racer's stripper girlfriend, Trixie? I'm pretty sure.

Oh yeah, and OJ didn't do it. A jury of his peers said he didn't. And yes, those 12 people were definitely his peers.

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