Saturday, July 12, 2008
Our long national nightmare is over...I got my computer back.
Yeah, my computer's been fixed and the bitching and moaning can continue unabated.

There are four kinds of people who write checks at retail stores.

1. Really really old people who are scared of debit cards because they think they'll be charged interest. Jesus Christ Himself could fall out of the sky and tell these elderly fucks that the debit card is interest-free, and they wouldn't believe him. .

2. Deadbeats who need a day or two to get some money into their bank account. There's usually a bogus "disability" check in the mail or a "hot tip at the track" they'll hope will pay off. The check usually bounces like tits on Baywatch.

3. Criminals who use stolen or fake checks. They're society-burdening pieces of human garbage. Can we please humiliate them on public access television?

That leaves my least favorite of the lot, even more detestable than the criminals. 4. The insecure jerk who writes checks because the power of inconveniencing others makes him feel important. "Wait for me, peasants, as I eschew modern forms of payment in favor of a laborious, dated method that serves no purpose other than annoying everyone in line behind me." This fuckface knows he can easily acquire a debit card; he realizes it's free and he won't be charged interest, but why is life worth living if not to make other people miserable? Oh, and even though he knows the check process takes a long time, because he writes checks all day all over town, he still complains about having to wait.

I'm going to open my own liquor store someday. I'm going to call it Find Your Shit and Get the Fuck Out. "Our name is our motto." Seriously, customers meander too fucking much. My store will solve that problem with wandering employees armed with bullhorns and bad attitudes. "HEY YOU, YOU'VE BEEN STANDING IN FRONT OF THE WHITE ZINFINDEL FOR THIRTY MINUTES. ALL OF THAT SWILL TASTES THE SAME. PICK THE BOTTLE WITH THE PRETTIEST PICTURE AND MOVE TOWARD THE CHECKOUT AREA. THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING." Also, customers unnecessarily tell us details of their lives that do not expedite the shopping process. "I don't remember the name of this particular wine, but I drank it in Bangkok as a child prostitute licked sorghum out of my anus. Do you carry that wine?" "SOMEHOW, THE PERFECT MARRIAGE OF NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION AND TOO MUCH INFORMATION. KINDLY FIND YOUR SHIT AND GET THE FUCK OUT."

A few other rules of my store:

-Needless to say, no checks. If you even ask if you can write a check, a guy in a clown suit will come out and hit you in the face with a comically over-sized rubber cock. Who would report us? Who would call the police and say, "Yeah, I was at a liquor store and a clown attacked me with a dildo"?

-If you call and ask for prices over the phone, you will be given the wrong prices on purpose. Also, we will say we have items we're out of and say we're out of items we have. This will teach your lazy ass to do your shopping the old fashioned way, by actually entering the fucking store. If you show up in person and complain about the misinformation, well say hello to Binky the Clown and his friend the comically over-sized rubber cock.

-Although I personally find underage drinking to be hilarious, we won't sell to minors because it's against the law. If we card you and you don't have ID, and then you argue about it, our security guard will shoot you in the face. We'll hire a corrupt ex cop with an itchy trigger finger and we'll pay him extra for every underage moron he shoots in the face. I'm guessing we haul two bodies out of the joint and the problem is over.


15 Comments:

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

So, what've you been thinking about while your computer was in repair?

Seriously bro, I have never laughed harder at one of your posts. Picturing Binky slapping someone in the face with his comically oversized rubber cock just flat out makes me laugh my ass off! Hilarious!

Blogger John said...

"Find Your Shit and Get the Fuck Out" is the greatest store idea in the history of store ideas. I would live in that store. Wait. I see it now. Welcome back, man.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I hate clowns.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Clowns scare me but I fully approve of your anti-check rule.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

At the restaurant I work at, we regularly have people who ask us to read the entire menu to them over the phone. They are, apparently, one of the four people left in the Chicago area who don't have internet access-- the menu is on the restaurant's website.

Blogger Lil Sass said...

If you knew what was good for you, you'd hire Bon Qui Qui at your liquor store. SuhQerity!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M

Blogger lostinutah said...

Can I work in your store?

Oh thank goodness you're back. The world needs more of your sunshine.

Blogger Angela said...

My mom still writes checks which I find absurd. Especially because she keeps her debit card IN HER CHECKBOOK.

Blogger Jeannie said...

You Americans are living in the stone age! No retail establishment has taken a cheque here in Canada for at least 5 years - probably longer - probably more like 8. We still send cheques to pay bills that can't be paid online but that's it.

Tell your boss to put in an ATM and refuse to take cheques.

Blogger Nick said...

I've never felt so positive about sorghum before.

Blogger ginonymous said...

i've never been more horrified of white zin. eeeewwwwww....

Blogger FRITZ said...

People who don't drink a lot never have a clue on what to buy.

Then, there are those of us who can be in and out of a liquor store in one minute flat with a bag full of booze.

Maybe you should give out free samples; then more people would buy stuff faster?

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Welcome back, baby.

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