Thursday, May 14, 2009
Buy this stuff
Today is Endorsement Day at the ol' Feathered Mullet. Am I selling out? Oh, I would...but no one's buying.

These shorts are available at Old Navy stores throughout North America and online at Buy a pair. They are the most comfortable "lounging around the house" shorts ever made by children in an overseas sweatshop.

Don't act like you don't own any "lounging around the house" clothing. These shorts are perfect for watching a Beavis and Butt-head marathon on MTV Ocho while eating Kirstie Alleyesque amounts of deep dish pizza. You see, the elastic waistband is, much like the boyfriend of a really hot chick, especially forgiving.

Unfortunately for you, these breadsticks aren't available nationwide. You can only get them at one of the two semi-conveniently located Impellizzeri's Pizza establishments in Louisville.

Look at these perfect breadsticks, literally swimming in a pool of garlic butter. Why do all other breadsticks suck compared to these? Why do they all just sit there not as crispy on the outside nor as chewy on the inside, mocking me with their mediocrity? And why, for the love of clogged arteries, are they NOT swimming in a pool of garlic butter? Fuck you, shitty breadstick maker!

On Monday nights it's half-priced app night at Impellizzeri's, which means you can get an order of the best breadsticks in the universe for three dollars. Take the money you save to buy the comfy elastic-waist pants from Old Navy. You're gonna need 'em.

Sorry, but you can only get the world's best Nitro Porter at Cumberland Brews, also here in Louisville. This beer is so good and easy to drink that it'll sneak up on you and you'll be shouting at hippies to "wash your pits and groins, for the love of my olfactory senses!" before you know what hit you.

I am now going to torture myself by recommending something I can't afford: An Apple laptop.

I used to mock Apple users for paying so much more for a computer. I used to call my friend Alisha "Applehead" (and I also made fun of her for using a Macintosh. HAHAHA). Now I finally realize what she knew all along: the PC is one of the most shoddy products in the history of complete and utter shit.

The most unreliable American car ever built is still ten times better than the average PC that runs on Windows, yet GM is going bankrupt while Bill Gates rubs one out into million dollar bills. I am so tired of my PC freezing up for no fucking reason! And I'm "lucky" enough to have Windows XP. I pity the poor fools who are stuck with Vista, the Yugo of operating systems.

So after I get a better car and an HDTV I'm going to get a Mac notebook. In other words, I'm never getting a Mac notebook. *sigh*


I agree with everything on this post bro. A first. Kuddos.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Do they make drawstring muu muus?

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

In a household where we have six Macs for four people (four laptops, two desktops), I heartily agree. When people ask me why I like Macs, I answer "Because I'm lazy-- I don't like doing twice the work to do something."

If I agree to send you my used Powerbook when I finish nursing school, can you send me a couple of those Nitro porters?

Blogger Heather said...

The picture of the breadsticks just made me drool...

Blogger la dolce said...

I just got the MacBook Pro. I have taken it to the Mac store three times to figure out how to use the fucking thing beyond the Internet. I can't say it was the best $3,000 I've ever spent.

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