Wednesday, July 01, 2009
I'm blogging every day in July for no real reason
At work on Tuesday I had an idea for a blog post, but by the time I got home it was gone. The idea was a ghost. So why am I going to try to blog every day for the entire month of July? Why the fuck not? It will force me to write, because I'm obviously not doing anything voluntarily.

I wasn't going to mention the most annoying customer of the day, but since I forgot what I wanted to write about I'll go ahead and give a quick account:

My morning cashier has some kind of hood-rat personal drama and has to leave work for over an hour in the middle of her shift, so I'm forced to take her place at the register. It's pretty slow at the time, so instead of standing directly behind the register I stand about three feet away from it, talking to a coworker who is getting ready to clock in.

Please note that my register light is the only light currently alluminated. I see a woman walking around aimlessly but since she's headed toward the pints of liquor I assume she's just another functioning alcoholic looking for something to stash in her purse during the work day.

She suddenly starts screaming "IS THERE ANYONE HERE TO CHECK ME OUT? ANYONE? ANYONE?" Also kindly note that I'm 6'6", very large, and am wearing a polo shirt indicating my affiliation with the liquor store; AND I'M THREE FEET FROM THE ONLY REGISTER WITH A LIGHT ON!

"I'm right here, ma'am."

Then she says "Well, how was I supposed to know? You were over there talking."

I wanted to reply "Was I supposed to stand at silent attention just waiting to serve you, you shrill, vacant, self-involved, willfully unpleasant redneck trail of taint run-off?"

I remain silent, but damn it's hard to do. I can feel my blood pressure rising. There is nothing worse than being corrected by a fucking moron.

Then she can't find her credit card, and her demeanor changes. "Oh, I'm so sorry, it's in here somewhere...I just used it at (some vague white trash provider of goods and services) so I know I still have it. I'm so sorry."

She finally finds her card and swipes it, then goes into the most mind-numbing rant since The Gazebo Blend Soliloquy of 2005. "I want to run this as a credit card, because when I use debit my bank charges me a quarter. Can you believe that? Every time I use my card as a debit, my bank charges me a quarter, and that's bullshit!"

She then looks over and realizes she just cursed in front of young lady and her small child, so she offers THE DUMBEST APOLOGY EVER.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said 'bullshit' in front of the kid."

Let me repeat for those of you in utter disbelief. "I shouldn't have said 'bullshit' in front of the kid." She says it louder than the first time.

Then for good measure she mentions two or three more times that her bank charges 25 cents if she uses her bank card as a debit. Oh, and she smells of stale cigarettes and dollar store lotions.

At least when she finally leaves, the next customer agrees that she is probably the most appalling piece of garbage ever to escape the trailer park. So it isn't just me.

It's gonna be a long month.


What a piece of crap that lady is. The customer in line behind her should have said to her kid "Never mind that white trash whore in front of us honey." She should have then looked the obnoxious lady in the eye and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you a white trash whore in front of everyone," but louder than the first time. Utter disbelief is right!

Dude, for the love of God, write about the "Will Bird Affair" as it came to be known. Why must I beg you?

We've got posts like this to look forward to for a month? Sweet!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I think your job sounds like fun.

I also think you should compile your daily posts into a book and get it published, but I know you won't listen to me. You never do.

Blogger kate said...

$20 bucks says that lady hopped into her rusted out dump of a car with expired tags and drove to Kansas City to hang out in the doctor's office that I work in for a few hours to continue smelling like stale cigarettes and ass while being a total bitch to everyone around here.

Blogger dizzy von damn! said...

i think ubie's right. you should compile your vitriol for humanity's drunks and sell it to the public... and drunks.

Blogger lp said...

your job sounds more interesting than mine.

also, you are very tall.

Blogger Alison said...

Please, please write more about your encounters with the public. It'll help you to get it out of your head, and it'll entertain us. kthxbai

Blogger Christina LMT said...

Ah. I love the disparity between what you're thinking and what actually comes out of your mouth. I think every person who works in the service industry experiences the same, and fantasizes about the day they can actually SAY what they really want to say to the customer. I know I do.
Your eloquence and vitriol are extremely entertaining.

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