Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Bidnez as usual in Kentucky...but not when I'm governor
Here's the deal, you lucky fuckers who don't live in Kentucky: The horse racing industry in this state is in big financial trouble. Horse racing is kind of a big deal in Kentucky, and a lot of people depend on it to make a living. Why then, is it going broke? Two words: Casino gambling.

You see, other states have it and Kentucky doesn't. Surrounding states are putting slot machines in their horse racing tracks, which means bigger payoffs for winning horses. The owners and trainers of horses are going where the money is, which is far away from Kentucky.

Our governor created a slots-in-racetracks bill as a stop-gap measure until we could finally get around to voting for full casino gaming, but the bill didn't make it out of the Kentucky Senate. Hell, it didn't make it out of committee, mostly because of Senate President and unrepentant hillbilly David L. Williams.

David L. Williams isn't in my district, so I'm not allowed to vote for him. In fact, 98 percent of the state isn't allowed to vote for him, but he's by far the most powerful politician in Kentucky. Our governor should be the most powerful, but he's yet another in the line of spineless, clueless governors who have haunted this state for as long as I can remember. Senator Williams told him the bill would never pass, and it didn't.

So because the few thousand people in David L. Williams' district think gamblin' is of the devil, the rest of the state has to sit around thumbs in asses as even more jobs leave the state. Son of a fuck I'm so sick and tired of this shit! You think gambling is wrong? Then DON'T GAMBLE!!! They aren't going to put a casino in your shitbrick little town anyway. They want people to spend money, not barter with moonshine and meth.

Here's what I'd do if I was the governor: I'd announce that there would be special elections this November in Louisville, Lexington, and Covington (Covington, KY is across the river from Cincinatti) to decide if the citizens of those cities want full casino gambling. If they vote "yes", casinos will be built post haste. The rest of the state has no say regarding what happens in these cities. Really, why should a tiny drainage ditch of a town in Appalachia get to make decisions for Louisville? And they don't get any of the revenue, either. The cities which allow gambling will keep that dirty money all to themselves.

Oh, and while I'm at it, "dry" counties no longer get any tax money from alcohol sales. It's only fair.

Here are some other things I'd do as governor:

-move the capital building to Louisville, because I don't want to live in Frankfort. I'd get one of those big houses near Cherokee Park. That way I could go get drunk at the bars in the Highlands and safely stumble home. The last thing this state needs is another politician who drives drunk.

-change the name of the University of Kentucky to the University of Lexington. Just to piss people off.

-give sweet state jobs to friends and relatives. Why end Kentucky's long history of nepotism?

-make coal companies apply actual safety measures.

-try to get marijuana legalized as a state controlled, highly-taxed crop. We could do the "medical" loophole like California. I'd use this windfall to train and educate the rural poor. Just because I don't want hillbillies to tell me how to live doesn't mean I won't help them if I can.

-bring rampant womanizing back to the Governor's Mansion.

-force KFC to abandon those "Famous Bowl" slop jars.

Vote for me and I'll give you a ham!


7 Comments:

This comment has been removed by the author.

It's just ignorant not to have casino gambling in KY. I guess bourbon, the lottery and tobacco aren't vices in the eyes of David L. Williams. What a moron.

I like most of your plans, save the weed and the UK name change. I really like the idea of dry counties not being able to get any tax revenue from the counties that aren't dry. That is fair. Kind of like I don't want some asshole getting any of my income tax dollars when they don't pay any income taxes themselves, but we'll save the Obama welfare discussion for another time. All in all, I'd gladly partake in your nepotism and take a cushy cabinet position.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Because poverty and unemployment DOESN'T lead to violence and intoxication and prostitution and all that other stuff? What do they think happens when people get desperate?

Maybe it's less about the "evils" of gambling and more about the gambling industry not "contributing" enough to the politicians.

Blogger country roads said...

Speaking of KFC, who in the world thought that those 2 asian guys in full karate regalia going "chickennnnnn" was a good idea?

Blogger Christina LMT said...

Would you have a position open for a personal massage therapist? I'd rub you right.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Wait -- was there something about ham at the end, there?

Let me guess, that asswipe senator is from Hazard or Middlesboro.

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